I lie awake, breathing in sultry air a teapot’s breath we’ll gladly share
My chest escalating to reach the fathomless ceiling whilst our hands tied to a knot, trembling
My lips are sore, caving in for delight as your eyes exclaimed to white I lie awake, breathing in sultry air My chest escalating to reach the fathomless ceiling lips are sore, caving in for your stare
I read over this so fast the first time that I had no idea what it meant. Then I went back and realized how fantastically sensual it was. Nice work.
Posted 12 Years Ago
12 Years Ago
I often get that from the readers in this poem, especially when the italicized parts aren't italiciz.. read moreI often get that from the readers in this poem, especially when the italicized parts aren't italicized. first wrote this 5 years ago. I'd say this piece is dependent to its form. And oh, thank you!
At first this reads like a collaboration of thoughts between two lovers. But when I read only the italicized lines, they have a feeling of solitude, perhaps while lying next to your lover after a passionate exchange. The normal lines have a feeling of togetherness, and carnal. The last line seems to bring it all together, like it is meant to be the last line for both parts. I like how Revery said that it "could be a surrender to bliss" which is what I was thinking. All of this makes for a fantastic poem.
I like "teapot's breath" both visual and textile. I'd change the tense of "caving" to 'caved' and "exclaimed" to 'exclaim' and then take out the following "a". Just suggestions. Also, no need for the repeated last stanza... as for the last line, I'd take that out too. I really like it ending on that great image of 'eyes exclaim to white'. Dangit--I really like it--wish I had written it lol
Wow I really loved this it was super detailed. It wasn't like you slapped in our face what happened, but described it by first person actions. I really liked that. Congratz on a fabulous poem. The ending was a phenomenon.
-Courage