Chroma, coma

The greyness was perfect and all too real.

Last night, I fell asleep

While chasing montages

of the different angles of your face

 

I roll my memory reel

My hollow thoughts diffused in celluloid

Static monochromes of you

fashioned in noir

 

You walk past smoky alleys

In hazy motions of rapid shutter shifts

The sky, a static grey

sketched in an unlikely Chiaroscuro

It stretches to the haphazard pavement

from where you stood mirage-like

(in my nightly rendezvous)

 

I let my narcoleptic whims sink in

As I succumb to your fancy mental lomography

I can dwell in this ethereal set piece

I won’t bother if I’m in a cameo*

Author's Note

I struggled with symptoms of Narcolepsy while this was in the works.

Reviews

[Kim]

What a beautiful poem! I love the imagery that you've chosen and the huge metaphor that serves as an umbrella for this entire piece. The play with black and white and grey is really gorgeous. The title is ingenious and it drew me in. The writing is so tight throughout. My only qualm is with the very last line - it seems a bit bulky somehow compared to the rest of the piece. I think it's because your word choice in the rest of the poem is so meticulous. The last line seems a bit under-scrutinized. I'd consider shuffling a few different last lines in there. But that's my opinion and it's really nit-picky. The poem is gorgeous - one of the best that I've seen on here. Happy writing and keep up the awesome work! :)

[Amelie]

Thanks for the great review Kim. I'm glad you've pointed that out. An unlikely halt isn't it? I was caught somewhere in expanding the poem coz I have a couple more film terminologies (which I think would be cool to throw in the piece) and I had this in 2 drafts but it doesn't felt right in between and I feel it would rather come out pretentious. I would like the last stanza to come out as a sudden recovery from a coma or a drown- a quick realization. I am considering your suggestions but I'll see first and how it'll go. :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i too struggle a bit with the last line...maybe reading it more as "i won't bother if i'm in as a cameo"

because this entire piece reads as a nostalgic black and white movie from the 30's or 40's...has that wonderful flavor...and i want to be your co-star--

if i only show up in the film for a few seconds, i don't want to be in this dream.

i am too attracted to you, and i want you to notice me, and engage me in dialogue..

that lasts forever...not a one liner and then i appear in the movie with not even a credit.

richly constructed piece...your visuals and phrasing are amazing...

jacob

[GunMetal]

I could hear the clicking of a film reel in the background as I read this. It felt like sitting in an old timey theater. You portray the visuals here expertly. Noir is one of my favorite styles, so much so that I avoid attempting it for fear of doing it a disservice. You, however, do the opposite of that. You knocked it out of the park. I also like how there's a feeling of fatigue throughout. You maintain the dreamlike state with the imagery, and your words become a sort of narration, or monologue. I could certainly see this as a short film. Definitely one of my favorites from you.

[Amelie]

I'm most delighted to hear that, thank you. Well I wasn't really going for noir, (so not a Vegas tale, no scotch on the rocks) but I'm pretty glad of how the visuals turned out in the second draft as well on how it became more personally meaningful to me...more than what it should've been in the first place.

[GunMetal]

It is Noir-like, though for the sake of accuracy, and also assuming I know what I'm talking about (which I don't), this poem presents itself like a silent film.

[Amelie]

Haha okay not gonna contest anymore but yeah, I was aiming for Film Noir, not Poetry Noir so I thrown in the conventions of film noir (smokey alleys, monochromatic rendering,etc). and the featured picture is exactly what I've imagined/dreamt of.

[GunMetal]

It could be under the surface, lol. Perhaps the main character is going to go to a speakeasy and have himself a Manhattan on the rocks, commenting internally about how the chill of winter in the city bites at his exposed flesh like a needle in a halfway house.
Of course, all my knowledge of Nior comes from playing Max Payne, lol.

[Amelie]

could be.he could've gotten himself some moonlight beer and soak in its awesomeness. (too bad though, this person is not even close to a social drinker)and not bad out of Max Payne lol, the film though sucked but I bet the game rocked.

[GunMetal]

I liked the game a lot. I only played it just recently, but if I had played it when I was a kid it would have blown my mind hole.

[Steven]

I don't know what Chiaroscuro means, and I just don't want to look it up, but otherwise I liked this!

[Amelie]

Chiaroscuro is a style in art which involves a dramatic juxtaposition of light and shade,this style is mostly seen in charcoal and pencil drawings.Rembrant is most famous in this kind of execution but it was pioneered by Da Vinci. I had a vision of a grey sketch-like sky laced with a dim shade of light, so that's why. And oh, thank you!

[Steven]

You are a very deep soul!

[Pax]

this is amazing kabayan!
well done.

[Amelie]

oh hello there kabayan!thanks!

[Amelie]

I felt the beginning of this century in France while I read your beautiful poem full of rich imagery, this was very nicely put down, I'm sorry to hear, you struggled with the symptoms of Narcolepsy, while you wrote this write, but lady, you did a great job, transforming it to a "roll of your memory as a vivid reel" You inspired me.

E.L.

[Amelie]

I was in my former day job when I wrote this, and that's the reason why I was in a hiatus from the cafe. Apart from Narcolepsy, I suffered a block. I was half asleep and been missing someone so badly and I had those visceral imagery flashing in my head.
Thank you for the lovely review E.L. :)

I wish you all the best dear Amelie, I hope you're feeling better, It's always a pleasure to read your work, and you're most welcome. xx

[Distant horizons]

Beautiful images your words portray. Wonderful use of language and flows perfectly from first to last.

[Amelie]

Thank you for taking time to read.

[Distant horizons]

You're very welcome.

[.]

~ ah... those first three lines are pretty much how my nights are spent... the absence of mr. whiskey breath's presence doesn't really matter... more importantly, excellent title... is a poem in itself... all the 'visual' references are brilliantly written... i particularly love the tone of narration... you're an incredibly gifted dudette, dudette... such spectacular wordplay makes me want to laugh... it's like a burst of joy... at discovering amazing poetic expression... :)

[Amelie]

This is a revised poem but what might it has spoke of before is equally true to what this poem might be speaking of now. This is formerly dedicated to my mr. whiskey breath but silly how he opens portals of truth beyond in me. Thank you for the lovely review Serah :)

[.]

~ you're very welcome... :)

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlande..]

poetry noir at its finest..it's def an underbelly of creative expression..I've been reading how perhaps older civilizations used more analog and consciousness and less technology to create more profound experiences..IDK if my analogy or w/e applies, but I def see a correlation between this writing and an allegory of human existence, encapsulated in your own expression of your desire to create. I think the last line speaks a little about material existence and the ego (a word I consider to be more neutral than its usual context)..it's like your narcolepsy is a dip or a swim into the unconscious mind and explaining and summing up your journey and its cyclical nature.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

or something..

[Amelie]

I plunge right in those swims from time to time, you know why. analog and consciousness is indeed a profound mix that is seemingly palpable. I have dealt with a block for quite some time and you've read my first draft of this poem (it was poop). At first I was writing it for someone but then it occurred to me that it's more like of an introspection; "it's like my narcolepsy is a dip or a swim into the unconscious mind and explaining and summing up my journey and its cyclical nature". I just keep on discovering things about myself day by day.

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

it takes a certain amount of diligence and style to sort through the discovery like you do :)

[Amelie]

[Amelie]

lol what happened to my comment? I was just about to say- *heart

[Shmoke-Sifted Heftlander]

I'm going to flag the blank comment as inappropriate..I am offended by the comfortable silence, lol..I'm sure it's like the "I" comment where you're not sure whether to ascertain some profundity or make a corny joke of it

[Amelie]

Exactly!lol and assumptions were spurred, the whole picture appeared funny. i was pretty much facetious the whole time. Eh I owe you a triviaaaaa or rather a funny story. I shall catch you in the morning at 30 pre- clocking out!

[GunMetal]

Ha! iScertain...
iCorn.

[Amelie]

--__--

[Corset]

What a wonderful use of vocabulary in this write. I especially enjoyed the motion picture theme of it and claiming not to bother unless you are a lead actor in the script, and then the nodding off during the mental movie of someones impressions on your mind, shuttering in Warhol images, I loved that visual. A wonderful write!

[Amelie]

I am most delighted Ms. Scarlet. Oh!by the way, this is a revised poem. actually it used to have a line that says, "I have secret Scarlett O'Hara phantasmagorias in my nightly rendezvous".

[Corset]

lol! no it didn't lol, but it damn well should! haha

[Amelie]

I know right!shame on me!lol but it was hard for me to let go of "phantasmagoria". I've been meaning to use that in my poems but oh well.