Out of my mind

I'm so terribly confused by my own stupidity when it comes to this relationship

I haven't written in a while... The thought haunted me until now 2:45 am still trying to sleep again like almost every night the last few days. I don't have a reason, nothing is bothering me just plain sleepless nights. I wonder if it's because of him sometimes, in a weird subconscious way. What does it matter if it is? Won't make a difference anyway.

The first night we met there was just something. We laughed and were crazy and it just didn't stop. I liked him ,but didn't think we would even see each other again much less become this close, confusing, friendship, ignorant and most likely imagination thing we are now. I didn't know much about him and he didn't about me. Maybe that was how it should have stayed.

A few weeks later there was a choir concert at his school and me and some family members went. The choir I auditioned for the night I met him sang to and I wanted to see them before becoming part of it. Needless to say he was in the all boys choir, in the school across from mine existing only out of girls. After the show on the way to the car he did that whole closing my eyes with his hands from behind "guess who" thing and that was when I started to wonder. I really wanted to know him better

Then came his birthday a month or so later. I was the only girl invited to go out only for a movie with him and his two crazy friends. When I got out the car he hugged me and lift me of the ground. We barely knew each other and just had fun. He made me sit between him and my brother and told his friends not to try anything. I didn't really know what it meant, but I started to like him. I got the news that I got into the choir and got to see him twice a week since we practised at their school right after them. Man I loved those hugs

Then the December holidays came. We didn't text, we didn't speak. His profile picture was him with two girls, just friends of course. It still made me jealous. School started again and choir to, the hugs weren't the same, but still there at least.

For his birthday it was just me and the guys again away for the weekend. I doubted myself kept thinking I would never be enough for him. I wasn't pretty or skinny. It was pretty fun the weekend and when we got back I ended up spending a night at their place. Nothing juicy I'm not like that anyways. Just chatted all through the night we became best friends over time he still didn't know I liked him, but that was okay.

December came again and same old story. No texting or talking. terrible;

This year started without hugs just quick hay and then leaving. He said he was to busy to talk. For the Valentines ball he urged his very nervous friend to ask me with whom I went while he was with his skinny brunette. He said something once to my face that he didn't go for chubby girls like me only skinny brunettes. I asked my mom to come get me and never mentioned it to him. It hurt. I just hid the fact that I did like him even though I didn't want to.

It was a great year after that except things weren't the same. He went to my Grade 10 Ball together and he got super protective of me again and kept me away from some guys and didn't like when someone else asked to dance even though I let him dance with my friends.

A while ago things went wrong. I was just sick of him treating me different between people than when we were alone. He didn't want to hear me out and we had one heck of a fight. Our friendship ended. Unfortunately the yearly concert where we had once so happily laughed about silly things came up and for five days we were in a awkward silence his parents blissfully unaware how much we hurt each other.

Our parents are still friends and I was forced to go with them for a visit at the beginning of this years December. Awkward as it was in the beginning he told me he misses me and asked forgiveness. I gave it to him. After these few years we've seen each other grow, cry and be happy and we know each other better than ourselves. Then followed a lot of texting and everything went back to fine... then he left for this years SA gymkhana again and even though its over we still don't speak

I'm a freak missing him aren't I? After all the times he was the reason I cried why do I only see the good and why won't he just leave  my mind.

Author's Note

I didn't write for months and this is just a soppy story sorry

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

"Awkward as it was in the beginning he told me he misses me and asked forgiveness. I gave it to him. "
We need to forgive to be able to move on. A powerful story about love. Thank you for sharing the amazing story.
Coyote