Chapter 4

                I carry the bags filled with my clothes and books to my new room. I hear yelling down the hall. This really is a mental hospital. I examine the room. There’s no light switch, just a little heat sensitive circular touch thing. I drop the bags onto my bed, which is extremely stiff. I walk to the window and look out at the exhilarating view of a parking lot. I pull the curtains shut and make my way to the bathroom. The first thing I notice is the mirror, or lack thereof. It’s just what looks like a metal tray. The sink is motion detected and there’s a tiny Dixie cup of soap. I look in the shower and there are no controls, just a little button to press. I tap the light circle switch of the bathroom, then the one for the bedroom to turn off the lights, and then plop down on my bed.  Right when I close my eyes, the door opens.

                I’m staring into the coal-black eyes of a ten-year-old red-headed kid, whom I guess is my new roommate. Tears are streaming down his face. He slams the door behind him and drops himself down onto the bed. The door opens slowly behind him, and an older male nurse appears in the doorway.

                “Hey, D.J. Want to talk about it?” the nurse asks.

                “Not really, Brian,” D.J. responds.

                “Alright,” says Brian, “Not going to do anything stupid, are we?”

                “I don’t cut.”

                “Good, just making sure. In the meantime, make your roommate feel at home.” Brian gets up and shuts the door behind him. I sit on the bed and watch as D.J. turns towards me.

                “Hi,” he says, sniffling and wiping his eyes, “I’m D.J. Sorry if I made a bad first impression.”

                “I’m Alex,” I say, “Nice to meet you.”

                “I tried to kill myself. I’m 12. Why are you here?”

                “Same,”

                “Well, at least we’re still alive. You could be dead, you know?”

                “I know,” I wish that I was dead.

                “Let me show you around,” D.J. smiles.

Reviews

[Lunny]

My first thought is why would he want to kill himself at the poor age of 12 but then I remembered myself. You have a great talent in which you caught reader's eye, mine definitely always, so that he/she is interested into the story if you know what I mean... I didn't get totally the shower thing, go tan impression like it's futuristic but that's cause English is my 2nd language... as always, really good :) I can't wait for the next chapter :)

[Calypso]

DJ made me laugh.

[simonmabee]

the transitions aren't clear is what i'm getting at and the setting changes a lot. I can see what you're doing and it's ambitious and can be extremely effective as long as the reader doesn't feel completely out in the dark. maybe i'm slow but I feel somewhat out in the dark

[simonmabee]

i can see the value in jumping around a bit, but i just feel like too much is being skipped over. I enjoy it but I'm not finding myself satisfied. i want more.

[Craig2591]

I didn't see any glaring errors.

Very clear and easy to read. I get the metal mirror, but not the rest of the features in the bathroom, but I'm assuming they are designed so that no one can hurt themselves. Good detail.

The dialogue seems real.

I am interested to find out what happens next.