Part II: Memories for a Pick Up

Sometimes pushing forward is the hardest thing to do.

 

     It was very cold and very dark.

 

     “Mom! Mom!!”

     I pulled away from the crowd, surrounded by its sea men and monsters. The only light that could be seen was the sparks in the sky. They ignited and soared in the sky like butterflies, but crashed and exploded like red balls of fire. The clap of these make shift bombs was erratic and without harmony. No music of this could ease my soul. No sound like this could calm me down. My dress was torn and my eyes were down, but my conviction never faltered.

     “Mom!!!” I screamed. “Mom! Where are you?”

     I had lost her in a crowd of red, white and blue only to be stricken by sovereign hues of gold. No one knew where she was, no one tried to help me. They all just smiled and said, “Hello little one, lost your way?”, I would nod, “Need your mother?”, I would frown, “How old are you?”. Ten in all and very small. The clashing never ceased.

     “Mom!” I began to cry. “Mommy where did you go?”

     Finally I let my tears show and they streamed down my face in glops. With little grace and cross eyes I turned to walk by the igniting statues of people that started the bombs. They stood there laughing and smiling. “Hello little girl”, they would say, “Hello little girl, lost your way?” I didn’t reply this time. I only nodded and cried. Ten years old and I turned a blind eye to the igniting men.

     I turned around and bowed my head. I faked a smile and spun in stead. However, walking away I heard the men say, “She’s far too young to be here today. Without a mother or a father? Who was she with?” The frightening part was that coming here was supposed to be a gift. On my tenth birthday, my mother took me here, to celebrate. But no matter how hard I looked she was no where to be seen.

     GASP!

     I woke up in a pool of my own sweat on Ryan’s bed. Gasping for air I shifted my weight and tried to steady my breath. That dream… A motion towards the window for no reason at all. I tried to grasp that threaded seam between dream and reality, but the rain on the window pain wouldn’t let me. It seemed its imminent clacking washed away any trace of memory left. Her hair, her smell, her face were all lost to me. Wait! I couldn’t remember her face.

     “All you have to do is look in the mirror and you’ll find me.”

     I hadn’t looked in the mirror since the first morning I was here. I didn’t dare. I didn’t want to cry again, all I wanted to do was forget. I wanted to forget everything, even if it meant forgetting her. But without her I was lost. I cried on my knees.

     Puff!

     “Mia?”

     I jumped at attention and looked around the room to find whoever it was. I suspected Brenden, but instead I laid my eyes upon Ryan’s small elfish face and slender form. For a moment I didn’t quite recognize the expression he had on his face as he walked towards me. His eyebrows were held up high on his white forehead and his lips were pursed; his eyes were a little bigger than usual and his cheeks were pinched up high. Though I could see every facial contortion, I couldn’t quite grasp the expression itself.

     “Mia, what’s wrong?” Ryan leaned over and his hand on my head, an awkward gesture of sympathy. And that’s when I noticed his expression. It was the same as hers when she found me.

 

     “Mia! I found you!” A smile. “Where have you been? I’ve been looking all over?”

 

     “Mia?” He pulled me in closer. “What’s the matter? Was it a bad dream?”

 

     “Mommy.”

 

     “No, I’m fine.” I pulled away. “I just need a second.”

     “Yeah.” Ryan seemed a little startled by this. Possibly by his actions or mine, either way he took a step back. “I’ll leave you be then.”

     “Wait- I-”, but before I could apologize he was out the door. “Sorry…”

     The rain stopped. That’s when I felt really alone. I knew Ryan couldn’t help me, and in some way I believe he did too. Which is probably why he left. Never get too close someone who isn’t really there. And I wasn’t here I was in a locked room on top of a cold table. The only one who could help me was… I picked up my phone and dialed.

     Ring… Ring… Ring… Click.

     “Hello?” The voice on the other end was steady and sweet to my ears. Oh how I wished I could match that with my own. “Hello?”

     “He-hi! Hello…” I grunted. “I don’t think you remember who I am. When we met it was sort of under harsh circumstances and I was a me-”

     “Mia. Donna Rosen’s daughter.” It was now full of nothing but pity. My stomach sank. “Yes, I remember when you are.”

     “You do, heh…?”

     “How could I forget.” A glint of hope. “At the hospital I-” Suddenly the tone changed. “How are you?”

     “Oh, I’m okay. I guess. You know same old-same old…”

     I sat on the other end in awkward silence for a moment. Opening and closing my mouth like a fish searching for food. Silence was matched on the other end. It felt like forever, but eventually it ended with a word.

     “You know, Mia…” She spoke softly. “I lost my sister in a car crash when I was 16. I was injured, but she was killed. I’ll never forget it… I can still remember what she wore. My favorite pink shirt, it had sparkles on the front and sequence at the bottom. It was beautiful and before we got hit we were arguing about her borrowing it without asking me. I should’ve just been gracious, but instead I had to ride her for it… and when she died I felt awful. Not only because I was the one driving, but because I didn’t say goodbye. I spent her last few moments arguing with her about something so trivial.” A shaky sigh. “After the accident I didn’t speak to anyone for a long time. I started drinking and smoking, and doing every drug imaginable in order to ease the pain. But none of those things help and eventually ended up swallowing a whole bottle of Tylenol.”

     I wiped some tears away and sniffed. “What happened?”

     “No one came…” I heard a sniffle on the other end as well. “So I gave up, threw up everything and passed out on the floor. When I woke up it was only then I realized that I was doing it all to myself. My sister wouldn’t want me to be doing this to myself… I didn’t want to do this to myself… The only thing that kept me going was the idea that she would want me to live life to its fullest. She would want me to be happy.”

     “Yeah…”

     “Your mother’s death was my fault. I know it.” I couldn’t stand listening to her cry; it made me cry even more. “But you have to know that she would want you to be happy and live life to its fullest.”

     “I know.”

     “Just remember that, okay? And try. That’s all you have to do. Try.” A deep breath. “I have to go. Call me if you need anything else. Bye Mia.”

 

 

 

 

    

      Beeeeeeeepppp…

    

 

      The dial tone left me sitting there in awe. How did she know my mother so well?

     “I’ll always send someone, Mia.”

     “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right,” A familiar voice was heard in the hall. It reverberated through the small bunker and into my heart. I sat still was Brenden walked in sporting an Ipod and PJ’s. He didn’t notice me and sang along with the song on his ipod. A song I knew all too well. “Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter, Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.”

 

     “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say it's all right.”

 

     “Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.”

     “Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here.”

     “Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.”

     “And I say it's all right…”

 

     “See Mia!” She sat in the drivers seat of the old beat up Honda battered and torn, but sporting the biggest smile I’ve seen in years. Why was she smiling? “We’re always home! Our new place!”

     “Mommy! What about daddy?”

     “Daddy won’t be able to hurt us anymore, hunny. Its just me and you.” She laughed heartily. “Just me and my little girl.” It came on the radio. There it was. “Oh! I love this song. You remember this song? I used to sing it to you when you were just a baby.”

     She turned it up and sang outloud to it. Clapping when she could and laughing as hard as it was humanly possible. There was a sense of freedom, that we were far from the cold battery that was the dark figure of my father. She had taken it for years and finally one day it was enough. She packed our belongings in the car and made me get in. Then with what little money we had we left. It was just us on the long lonely road of life, but that was all we needed. Us.

“…little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right”

     “I love you mommy.”

     “I love you too hunny.”

 

     “And I say, it’s alright.” I sang.

     “Mia?”

     “Huh?” Brenden stood over me with a small frown. “Why are you crying?”

     “I’m crying?”

     I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked at them for a moment. They seemed a little alien. These salty wads of gush that came out at any chance encounter with a sad memory. Why did we cry?

     “You don’t have to say anything.”

     Brenden enveloped me in his arms and held me tight. He was so big compared to me. So arm against my cold exterior. It felt nice. I felt really nice…

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