Part Nine: Unfolding is What I do Best

 

The ride back was just as quiet as the ride to the hospital. No one spoke because no one knew what to say. Words were useless anyways. What do you say when someone close to you dies, anyway? Is there anything you can say? I dont think being sorry for anyone cuts it in these situations. No, being sorry just doesnt cut it...

I felt the hard metal and the sharp edge of paper in my hands. I had been clutching onto both of them like a baby holding onto their mother's finger. Almost, if I let go, it'd be taken away from me. So many emotions were running through me I couldnt tell what I was feeling or even thinking. That last encounter with the woman my mother had saved blew me away. What she said.

"You've done everything. Look, I know I didn't know her very well, but I want you to know she'd want you to be happy." She slipped a small piece of paper in my hand along with the locket. "I want you to call me if you need help. No matter what it is, I'll come."

"But I- I couldnt. I would-"

"Remember this, she'd want you to be happy." Kelsey wiped some tears from my cheeks and smiled. "A womans secret."

"A womans secret..."

Those three words kept repeating in my head over and over again. A woman's secret... what did that even mean? I didn't know, but what I did know is it wouldnt leave my thoughts for a second! I felt like I was on some sort of melodramatic roller coaster that would never end. I needed to get away. I didn't want to be here. I didn't mean, not with the guys. I meant in this town, in this state, in this world. Anywhere but here would be good, but the papers were signed and I didnt know what to do with the apartment. I didn't know where I could stay or who I could stay with. One of the worst things, somewhere in the middle of a bunch of other 'worse things' that happen when someone close to you dies, is they leave all this baggage for you to carry on yourself.

"There's always a catch."

You got that right...

"I need to go back to my mo- my apartment..." I said softly.

"Okay, where is it?" Jesse asked slowing down at a stop sign but not directly stopping.

I gave him the directions and he quickly got us all there in one piece. Jesse was a safe driver, well... sort of.. I didn't expect him to be the best driver. He is a rock star. It's like an unwritten rule that they're reckless and fast. Though I had a feeling that- that rule was a bit of a far cry from the true band boy status.

"Thank you." I said as I reached for the door knob.

"Wait." Jesse pulled a bit on my shirt. "Do you need someone to come up with you? Or- are you coming back?" His last sentence was a little hopeful and sad at the same time. I wonder...

"I don't know." I replied truthfully.

I slowly got out of the car and walked forward. I robotically followed the side walk- up the stairs- and to the door. I hesitated with the key, but then slowly opened it. I guess I had some small hope deep down that I'd walk in and it'd be all a big joke. As if my mother would be sitting on the couch with a camera crew and they'd yell "You're on candid camera!"

The cruelest joke was that she wasnt on the couch. She was on a table covered by a thin blue blanket in a hospital and soon to be six feet under. I tried to suppress tears as I put my mom's cell phone that I had borrowed from her on the kitchen counter. I tried to stop them from coming as I walked over to that couch and sat down. I tried to wipe them away as I looked around the empty and semi- clean house, but I couldnt stop them from staining my cheeks as I walked to her room to look at her messy-clothe-covered bed.

"Why?" I began to cry as I hit the wall and slowly sunk down into an oblivion. "Why did you have to be so stupid and save people?!... Why..." I cried.

It was something I needed to let out, but some how, I was afraid if I cried any longer I wouldnt be able to stop. Somehow, I knew if I threw a tantrum I'd kill myself. I'd just throw myself over a bridge. No one would notice....

"No one would notice..."

Those words were so soft and raspy I could hardly tell it was me. I slowly felt myself being lifted up to a standing position by two big strong arms. Somehow I knew who those were as I turned around and began to cry in Jesse's chest.

"Shhh..." He rubbed my back and held me tight. "It'll be okay."

I knew those words were as shallow as my own. They weren't true, but, despite that fact, I wanted to believe them. I would later turn to this moment with a lot of things Jesse told me. Like this moment, and the moments after, when everything was shattering to pieces, all Jesse could say was those three shallow meaningless words, "It'll be okay". But it wouldnt. He knew that and I later knew that as well....

 

I slept in the tour bus of Panic! At The Disco, again that night. I dont remember much after what happened. It was like someone took an eraser to my memory and erased all sentiments of what happened after Jesse found me inside my apartment. I didn't mind though. There wasn't much I wanted to remember.

I had trouble getting to sleep, but when I did my dreams where blank as ever, and I didn't really have a problem with it. After Brenden had me settled down on the seat in the bus I fell asleep to the sounds of The Fray, being transmitted from Brendens CD player. I was pretty surprised he had The Fray on there, but he assured me he had a very "diverse" taste in music. I laughed at the thought of what he listened to, in my mind of course. I don't think I could laugh at the moment, or ever for that matter. It was like the little happy light that glowed inside me had gone out.

So as I attempted to fall asleep I listened to the soulful and heart wrenchingly true lyrics. They were enough to make me go blank with tears, but maybe thats what I needed. A sad song that was true. A sad song that would help me be sad so I could get over everything. A sad song to make me fall asleep... just fall asleep...

 

"That was pretty fun." Spencer commented sarcastically as he walked on the tour bus. "All of you guys are such a buzz kill."

"I don't know." Brenden half smiled. "I just didn't feel like partying tonight."

"But Brenden, we're on tour. We have to party!" Spencer threw his arms up dramatically. "What happened to the good ol' goofball Brenden?"

"He died along with his dignity when he joined this band." Ryan half laughed and sat down across from Mia's sleeping body.

"Yeah." Ryan sat next to him. "What the geek said."

"Geek? I'm no geek." Ryan snapped softly.

"No, you're a nerd. There's a difference." Spencer laughed and sat on the other side of Ryan. "But we love you anyways."

"I don't know how I should feel about that, Spence." Ryan slowly shifted in his seat.

"Neither do I. I didn't know you went the other way, Spencer." Brenden also shifted away.

"I was joking." Spencer's face dropped.

Both Ryan and Brenden gave Spencer a look, and then each other, and then looked around. And now comes the laughter.

"Hahahahahaha-" They both chimed in. "Hahahah..."

"Oh shut up." Spencer scrunched up his chiseled nose. "You're gonna wake up miss sleeping beauty here."

"Yeah, we should be quiet." Brenden automatically stopped laughing.

"You know, you've been different since you found her. It's only been like, what? A day or two? What happened to her?"

"Her mom died." Brenden said a little sadly.

"Oh..." Ryan fed the silence.

"But what does that have to do with you?" Spencer piped up. "I mean, doesn't she have someone else?"

"No, she doesn't." Brenden shook his head. "I don't know guys." He began running a hand through his choppy black hair. "It's not that I seriously feel sorry for her, because I do, but it's more that I feel this urgent need to-"

"Protect her." Ryan finished.

"Like a lost puppy." Brenden nodded.

"Well, she's not a puppy. She's a girl." Spencer said sternly, something he wasnt very good at. "It's not like we can take her on tour with us."

"Or can we?" Brenden raised an eyebrow.

All three boys sighed and leaned forward. They automatically put their elbows on their knees and hung their heads low in thought. They fell to silence so only the small buzzing of Brenden's CD player and Mia's light wheezes of breath were heard. Through their trio'd brains they began to think in unison. Slowly a thought passed through that linked them. For a moment they looked up- to Mia- and then to each other. Where their plan would unfold.