Here We Go Again

in my college english class, we had to write about an event in out life. please please tell me what you think because this is going to be turned in for a grade. i could really use some help. thanks in advance. ♥

 

        

          Most of my life, I was invisible. Not as if i had an awesome super power- I just went through life unnoticed. Although, having a super power would have been pretty cool. I was usually the girl that sits at the back of the class and nobody knew her name. My sixth grade year was no different.

            I went through a fourth of the year without knowing anyone in my social studies class except a girl named Elisa. So when Mrs. Worrell told us that we would be electing a representative for SCA, I just thought, “Here we go again.”  In elementary school I ran for many things and lost.

            “We will pick two people to be nominated. Then tomorrow, they will make their case as to why we should vote for them. Does anyone have somebody they would like to nominate?” Mrs. Worrell asked in a rather chipper voice.

            Elisa calmly raised her hand and said, “I nominate Megan.” I was in complete shock. I could barely hear everyone whisper, “Who is Megan?” over my heartbeat.

            Unfortunately, somebody nominated a girl named Carrie. She was very popular. At this point I was 110% sure that I was going to lose. The rest of the day, I couldn’t think about anything else. I was so worried about my mini speech that I hardly got any sleep.

            The next day, I nervously went to my social studies class. Mrs. Worrell informed me that Carrie would go first. It didn’t really matter to me because I knew I would lose anyway.

            Carrie’s speech was flawless. She talked about how she was a great leader, her family, and how badly she wanted to represent my class because “our happiness” was her biggest concern.

            “Great,” I thought. “How am I going to follow that?”

            I slowly stood up and said, “Hi. I’m Megan. I want to be your representative because I want to make a difference. And I promise that if you elect me, I will do everything I can to make your voice be heard.” Then it was silent. I realized that could mean one of two things. Either I did a fantastic job and left everybody in awe, or I sucked. If history repeated itself, there was a good chance it was the latter.

After everyone wrote down a name, most likely Carrie’s, Mrs. Worrell

tallied the votes. I finally knew how the contestants of Survivor felt. One by one, she read the tiny slips of evil.

            “Carrie has eight and we have yet to see Megan’s name,” she said. At that moment, Carrie smiled at me. We both knew that she had won.

            Finally, I heard my name. I heard it again. And again. At last we were tied. There was one vote left. It seemed like the world completely stopped. Mrs. Worrell sluggishly pulled open the piece of yellow scrap paper. “Megan is our new representative!” she excitedly stated.

            My heart leaped out of my chest. My legs felt as if they were separate from my body. I couldn’t believe it! I was finally a girl that people would know. At least, the people in my social studies class would know who I was. English, science, math, and gym are completely different stories.

 

Author's Note

i thought this was really good, but please please tell me what you think because this is going to be turned in for a grade. i could really use some help. thanks in advance. ♥

Reviews

[Mey]

Well written, nicely told.
However the best part is also the worst part; the set up.
You send a lot of time with such a wonderful build up that when it comes time for the conclusion there's really only one way it can go.
The build up could prolly benefit from a little more hope (so that the twist ending stays hidden) and I'd just slip a paragraph in there before your name gets pulled about how defeat was crushing you, and how you knew that this loss was gonna change you, ect.
That way when your name gets pulled it's got more oomph.

[Brook Hughes]

Good write. i enjoyed reading it. I'm sure you'll get a good grade on it.

[Taylor H]

i thought it was an adorable story. I really enjoyed it

[MrsBrown]

wow the suspense build up was great.i didnt c any errors. i wud b proud 2 turn that paper in.

[SilentDreamer]

It's interesting because it seems that this Carrie girl does a lengthy speech and then you give a short speech and you win. Which is completely awesome. :D I really can't think of something to crisize that others haven't said. It's a great peice and I truly hope you get a good grade. Keep it up!

This is a nice story, with a happy ending. It's thrilling when someone's talent comes through in a subject, even if it's only one subject.
The school subjects should be capitalized, though.
One suggestion I have are to avoid using cliche words such as "cool". Dare to be different. Like with this line: "One by one, she read the tiny slips of evil.". That's a brilliant metaphor, and it shows originality.

[Cecilia]

Aww... it made me smile, this was SO cute.

[Alexander Z. Anthony]

Haha, loved that last line.
Very nice. An enjoyable, and dare I say, accurate view of school!
The only things that stuck out to me (and I'm no pro, lol) was that you used "awesome" twice close together early on in the story. And, that the main character didn't seem very concerned with the election at first, yet it grew more important as it neared. I think the story would be better off if you built up more to the coming election. Basically, extending the description of feelings and such before the election would add more excitement to the piece.
-Azza

[Carrie Ott]

Hey, glad I could help! Yeah, this time was much better, it flowed a lot smoother. I only saw one place that still needs to be changed - in the first paragraph, "would be" should be "would have been" if you want to keep it in past tense. I think you'll do fine with your grade for this story, it's great! Oh, if you remember, can you let me know if you get a good grade on it? It'd be great to see you get an A. :)

[Carrie Ott]

Yeah, that was good! It started a little...sluggishly, but you improved quickly until the end, which was quite tense for a story like this. As far as it being turned in for a grade, I do have a couple suggestions for improvement. The second line, "Not like I have an awesome super power, but I have just gone unnoticed," is somewhat awkward. I had to read it twice, which (depending on your teacher) might not bode well. See if maybe you can reword it, perhaps, "It's not as if I have an awesome superpower - I've just always gone unnoticed." Or some such thing. Another suggestion is to vary the punctuation. I see a lot of commas - remember, you also have semicolons and dashes to use. You might not think it, but it adds...pizzazz to a paper. :) Now, another thing I see is that you've changed tenses. I know you intended to do that, and if your teacher is alright with you speaking in the present until you begin to retell the past, then you can leave things the way they are. But, I just wanted you to be aware that your first paragraph is written in present tense, and the rest of the paper is written in past tense. It's yours to change or not, depending on your teacher. If you don't know, I would change the first paragraph to past. As much as possible, a paper should always be in the same tense throughout.
In the second paragraph, I noticed your use of "This was because." Avoid using that phrase when you can :). One popular mantra of writing is, "Show me, don't tell me." If you use your phrase, you're telling me. Simply leaving that phrase out is more on the road to showing me.
Well, people usually find out that if they ask for "help" from me, they get huge paragraphs like this :). I've always planned on being an English teacher, ever since I was in elementary school, so I guess it's in my veins to provide lengthy suggestions! :D Anyway, that's pretty much all the grammatical criticism I have. As far as the actual story goes, it's a great one. You succeeded in showing your change from unpopular to noticeable, and it was all very smooth. You also achieved in making me care. That might sound harsh at first, but really. Your story made me care whether you failed or not - if you'd failed, I would have been sad. That's quite an accomplishment, to get people involved so deeply in such a short story. Good job! Also, the concluding sentence is wonderful, and a nice way to end it. So, great job with the story! It was wonderful!
You don't have to take my advice, but you asked for it, so here it is! :)
Keep up the good writing.