So I thought I knew......

 

 

I am writing this as a prequel to my next poem..... and I was given inspiration by a blog posted by my friend Kristena..... you know there was a time in my life when all I wanted to do was grow up. You know, be able to drive a car, date, have a job, live in my own apartment... the dreams and aspirations of an everyday normal life. Of course when I was younger I didn't think that they would constitute dreams or aspirations, I just figured that they were things that were automatic once you hit a certain age..... as if it was the next step in life like losing teeth when your 6, or feeling like you will always have the security of mommy and daddy around to take care of you if something happened...... Normalcy.. a very powerful ideation in our culture I think. Today, mental illness is at an all time high in our country... ranging from children in elementary school with no apparent reasons for its existence to veterans from wars past and present who have every reason to suffer from emotional imbalances...... somewhere in between is where I feel I fall.... I cannot pinpoint exactly when it's onset hit me, but I have a vague idea and even more vague recollections of it's symptoms starting to infiltrate my life. How odd I find it now, that my brother, the closest person to me in my life, was suffering with the same, only worse, that I was but we could not connect on until later in life,,, much later, much too late, when we could be open about it and be the close friends we were always meant to be. But he died, as a result of this horrible disease of the mind... this disease that becomes obsessed with what being normal is because it only knows that normal it's not.

Back to my point..... I had these aspirations which I didn't think were so lofty or high or even noteworthy........ to be normal, live a normal life, think normal thoughts, have normal relationships with other normal people. Maybe the thought of 'normal' itself is somewhat elusive to all, but to the mentally ill and emotionally unstable, it is the most elusive dream of all.

You see, I had all that I had aspired to when I was young... not to a 'T' but pretty damn close. I had family, good friends, a beautiful healthy child I could take care of, even though I did it wrong and there is no father for her to call her own... but still I was making it..... I even at one point, after a marriage mistake, nasty divorce, and bouncing in and out of my parents house, I had a place of my own!!!! Yeah me!!! I was working 40+ hours a week, I would get up early, get me and Chloe ready for the day and take her to my mom and dad's where she would be fed, taken to school and watched until I could pick her up around 6, take her home, eat dinner and get ready for bed and the next day to do all over again..... it was heaven..... that lasted for about 7 months..... months I feel like God was testing me, testing to see how strong in a routine I could get until He decided to turn what I knew as normal upside down and watch as what I had worked so hard to maintain flush itself down the toilet in less than a month.  For so long I thought that I was weak, even though I had been on medications for 5+ years, I thought I just didn't have what it took to deal with an everyday, although tragic, event that takes place in peoples lives.  I lost it... started back to work a month after he died.... was fine for awhile but then slowly, maybe over a period of 2 weeks, came to a meltdown point.  I remember sitting at my desk and taking a call... my hands and body were shaking so bad that others around me noticed and asked if they could help me.... I wanted to run to the bathroom but was afraid I wouldn't be able to get there without holding onto walls which would make my plight even more evident.  I had my boyfriend at the time come and pick me up and take me to my doctors.  My doctor put me on disablilty but after a few weeks of that I was done... I had to do something or I would go nuts..... somewhere in between this time I broke up with that 'wonderful' man and went back to work.. I dont remember how long I worked for before I tried to attempt suicide......

I think that is when life started to become out of control.... I know it happened sooner than that, abuse of prescriptions drugs, signing over guardianship of my baby girl to my parents, losing my apartment, getting kicked out (well actually deciding, while high, to leave) my parents home..... living in my car...... wow... out of control.... not the dreams I had aspired for me or my child.  I was a loser, a zero... nothing left to contribute, all dignity stripped bare... had to enter a rehab and go to AA meetings.... my life being dictated to me... I couln't work, not enough ability to control my stress level, or so said my doctors.....  and this is where I have been for almost two years now.... sure I have gotten clean, I am in a slightly better living situation (hell, cars dont come with showers you know :) )  ...........  but still, the normalcy that I desired when I was young is still as elusive as that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.....

So here we are... to my poem... this is the background to what is coming next... so stayed tuned, you might actually enjoy it :)