Ordinary is not boring

Has there been a time in your life when life was take it or leave it?

There has in mine.

Things that used to excite me, things that used to make me feel I could fly, have now become routine and dull.

Now I see, sitting here, sitting here waiting for something, that I have lost the ability to pursue and enjoy the ordinary.

It does not constitute desperation, just the fact that I have actually been touched by a spark long forgotten, a spark called life.

I have only been touched ever so softly, but enough to where I felt it…. This happens from time to time, a high that I cant explain, a high you can't get from a bottle or a drag.

But these highs are only met by even lower lows. In the time of feeling I can do anything, I start to live dreams and desires that come on a whim. I can accomplish anything; I can start writing a book, I can become an advocate, I can speak with passion.

And then as fast as it came, it is gone…. Crashing off of this kind of high is worse than the withdrawals felt by an addict coming down off of an abused substance; I know, I have been there too.

The passion I once felt disappears into a fog as if it were only a dream that I have just woken from, the ambition to be someone fades, and the projects I started come to an abrupt halt.

It is a crime, I think, to have been blessed with gifts that can be turned on and off by a switch I have no control over… like my mind, beautiful in It's creativity and ambition, yet broken with it's disease and defects.

I know that no one is perfect, I know that everyone longs to be 'normal', but most are more normal than they know.

Working a steady job, being in a group without feeling like the walls are closing in, holding a conversation, committing to a position and having an ability to follow through…. These things to me are normal and ordinary, these things to me are elusive and baffling.

If there was an exercise, I would do it; if there was a magic pill, I would take it; if there was a book, I would read it…. But there aren't any of these things that can fix what has been broken.