The pursuit of (and failure to find) Happiness

I watched the movie 'The Pursuit of Happiness' last week... you know the one where Will Smith is fighting to get a job at a stock brokerage firm as he struggles through life as a single father with no money just a burning desire to be HAPPY and to make his son a decent life.  I envy that kindof passion but first I wanted to make a note of something he said in the movie..... he ponders the idea that when it was written 'the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' that by mentioning the word 'pursuit' gave the idea that life and liberty were an essential right to all mankind, but happiness was something that every man has the right to go after without the guarantee of ever finding it.  It simply wasn't meant for everyone. 

All that to say I am freaking miserable.  I have pursued all my life every sort of happiness just to find myself in this place of morbid re-creation of my first steps towards this elusive goal of happiness.  So this is what I'm doing.... giving up.  I am done.... I'm not sure to what extent but I know that I am tired of having no ambition for life, wanting to stay in bed and hide from the world all day, going to doctors and shrinks, taking pill after pill after flipping pill, being sick, having everyone TELL me I am sick, being looked at as fragile, and being alone.  I am tired of having 'friends' and family who don't know how to be around me, having a daughter that I can't take care of...... I am tired of being broken.  I am an eternal unfinished peice of art gone wrong.  It's like God started something then notcied fatal flaws and pushed me aside to start work on something better.

I guess I'm not in the mood to do anything rash at first, well not at the moment anyways... that can always change with the weather.... but I first will start by quitting school.  I am not a scholar, I am not an artist.... that was Jared, and I guess I have been trying to keep some part of him alive by trying to be that pat of him.....  I am not him... I wish I had his attributes though, his ambitions, his goals, his strengths, his talents... but I don't.  I have nothing and now no longer have the desire to search for something that will never exist for me... happiness.  I keep being told that there are so many who love me and care for me, but guess what.. sometimes it's not enough.  Sometimes it's not enough to be told the things other people see in you, what's the point when you yourself are blind to those things... yeah it would be great if I could see myself in your eyes, make sure you're telling me the truth and not just blowing smoke, but I can't.  I'm done pretending..... I quit.