2 years in 1 month......

Well in one month it will be 2 years ago that I lost my brother.....  I don't really know what I am feeling right now, although the past few days have been off and on emotional breakdowns.  People tell me I should start something new on the anniversary of his death but I am at a loss on what do to other than mourn.  I want to do something special though.... am thinking about building a little wooden cross and place it somewhere he would like and do a baloon release with my good bye letter I wrote him last year.  I have no quiet place to go when I get in a rough spot and I need to be somewhere I can feel 'close' to him and do whatever.... paint, cry, write or just scream. 

Life feels so complicated sometimes, it is hard to retrace my steps back in time and remember where all this emotional baggage (aka S**T) came from.... but such is the way of the living, you can't breath without picking up something of the negative sort.  And it is funny how many different things you hear when you reach out in those times of drowning in all your s**t.  AA people will tell you to get into service and out of your head, or they will tell you to reach out to your 'higher power'... freaking hate that term.....  therapists will want you to talk, talk and then talk some more, but the thing about that is I get sick of hearing myself.  Phychiatrists will tell you to take more pills, a different pill or get labs done.  Naturalists will tell you to excersize... will that make my parents like me??  Hmmmmmmm.... yes emotional baggage, especially the sort from the loss of a brother; my ally, my friend, someone I could be silly with, someone I could tease mom with, someone who could give me the advice I needed to hear because he knew me better than I knew (or know) myself.....

I am working on a poem to post on the day of his death, I think he would have liked my writings.....