could we, do you think, keep the whole world quiet?

the leaves are gently swaying in the breeze
the scents of smoke and sweet air mixing on the wind
the unrelenting sun pounding down through leaves and lives
70 degrees and partly cloudy. this is California, b***h.

three conversations circling a center of calm.
could we, do you think, keep the whole world quiet?

wind has stopped.
conversations gone quiet.
sun's no longer warming but burning black jeans.

could we, do you think, keep the whole world quiet?
maybe. but would you want to?

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

I really like what you do in the first stanza of this piece, capturing not just the visual, but the olfactory senses. You paint a fairly typical scene and then offset it with that great last line, "this is California, b***h."

The second half of the poem feels a little weaker to me, however. For a short piece, you reuse the word "quiet" three times, and I think "the wind has stopped" could be expressed in a more expressive manner. Finally, the "moral" (as it were) of the poem, the "why would you want to" seems to come out of nowhere. Since this is the point that you're trying to make with the piece, it might be better to flesh out that particular line a little more, maybe even give it its own stanza of explanation and attention.