Still

Ryan’s POV:

                  I couldn’t remember anything. I didn’t remember Kalin finding me. I didn’t remember him dragging me to the van and driving back to the hotel. I didn’t remember waking up long enough to get in the elevator and get to Kalin’s room. I didn’t remember him helping me into the shower and getting me clean clothes from my room. I didn’t remember him helping me into the bed that I eventually woke up in, but he explained all of this to me when I did, in fact, wake up.

                  “Why? Why did you help me?” I asked, my voice weak.

                  “Because… you’re a good person that had s****y things happen to you. And… I should explain something else to you,” he said, inhaling and looking around a bit. “I feel sort of guilty, because I had my suspicions of this all along… Every time Rob gave you more coke, he changed it. He put meth in there and crushed up pills and put all this crazy s**t in there. But I didn’t think… I mean, he acted like you were his best friend in the entire world, so I thought I was just being paranoid. He’s done this to people before,”

                  “Oh,” I said. I wasn’t really surprised by that. I took a sip of water out of the water bottle on the bedside table.

                  “I think… maybe you should go to a hospital,” Kalin said.

                  “I think maybe they would put me in jail if I went to a hospital,” I said, panicking. If they knew all the drugs I had…

                  “Well, Rob… I mean… he raped you, Ryan. F**k, I mean… God knows where Rob’s dick has been. You don’t want an STD on top of everything else you have going on,” Kalin said, concerned.

                  My mind stopped processing Kalin’s words after  “he raped you,”. He did. He raped me, literally, and of my sanity, my life, my plans, my relationship…

                  “S**t… he did rape me didn’t he,” I mumbled. Kalin looked down and touched my shoulder comfortingly. “I deserved it,” I blurted out.

                  “Do you want me to f*****g smack you? Ryan, no one deserves that, especially not you. You’re a good person, man,” he said, “I already talked to the police about Rob. He ran away and no one knows where he is. He doesn’t have a car, so they’ll probably find him soon. He didn’t run off without taking most of his stock of drugs out of the van and most of our money, but that just means more trouble for him when the police find him,” This was all so much to take in.

                  “D-do you know what happened to Pete?” I asked quietly. The thought of him made my heart feel like it was quite literally being torn to shreds.

                  “He’s in Madison’s room. He doesn’t know everything that’s happened yet- only I know,” he explained. I nodded.

                  “I… I need to talk to him,” I said.

                  “Do you think that’s a good idea right now?” he asked.

                  “I can’t leave it this way,” the pain stung my heart so deeply every time I thought about him.

                  “Okay, I’ll go get him,” Kalin walked out the door. I listened to my heart rate increase as I waited for Pete, sitting up in bed. I was in so much physical pain on top of everything. Every time I thought about how Pete must feel because of me, it justified how I felt about deserving everything.

                  Pete opened the door and slowly sat down in the chair next to the bed. He looked down at his hands.

                  A tear escaped from my eye and rolled down my cheek.

                  “I’m… s-sorry… I can’t believe I did this to you,” I whispered.

                  “But you did,” he said back very quietly.

                  “I’m so s-sorry. I know that doesn’t mean much to you at this point, but I really am,” I said.

                  He nodded. We sat in silence.

                  “I’m going to forgive you, Ry,” he sniffled, “Eventually,” He looked up at me for the first time.

                  “You don’t have to,” I whispered, slowly, studying every beautiful feature on his distraught face.

                  “I know,” he nodded, “But…” he wiped the tears from his eyes and took a breath, “I still love you,” he whispered.

                  I bit my lip and tried not to sob. Pete Nash taught me how to love. It was quite an achievement after Anthony. But now, after everything, I didn’t deserve Pete’s love, just like I never deserved Anthony’s.

                  “You know I love you, Pete,” I said, “I’ve always loved you,” He nodded and touched my hand. The feeling of his fingers on my skin was close to euphoria. “But… you shouldn’t love me. I’m not worth your time… I don’t… I don’t deserve you,” I said.

                  “Yes you do,” he whispered. “You need me,” the corners of his mouth turned up a tiny bit. I laced my fingers through his.

                  “I really do,” I said.

                  “Maybe… maybe we can try again after you get clean- get some actual help,” he said. I nodded, disappointed that I couldn’t kiss him right in that moment.

                  “Wait for me,”

                  “You know I will,”

                  We both smiled at each other.