Burnt

Pete’s POV:

            Ryan Lane had once again, become a stranger to me. After what Madison had told me, it was like I’d never actually known this boy that I thought I was in love with. To top it all off, he’d snapped at me in the car. I had faith that these weren’t his “true colors finally shining through”- this was a completely different Ryan, and I had the drugs to blame.

            It was officially impossible for the group to sit in the van and just drive for more than fifteen minutes at a time. There was always someone who had to pee, or someone who was hungry, or someone who saw a stupid little store they had to check out (most of the time, it was Madison or Ryan). We were so close to Chicago, but so far away at the rate we were going. I was miserable.

            “We need to get to a motel soon, guys. Dan is getting carsick.” Ron said as we held a small conference at the fourth gas station that day. I wanted to speak up- we had literally thirty minutes worth of road until Chicago, and another motel would be a waste of money- but no one would have listened to me anyway.

            We pulled into yet another dingy motel. Ryan and I continued to ignore one another’s existence as we walked to our room. We hadn’t spoken at all since the gas station incident. He opened the door and immediately flopped down on the bed. I opened the curtains to look at the bluish-purple sky. A wonderful summer thunderstorm was beginning, the tiny raindrops splattering the cheap cleaner streaked window.

            “Who was he, Ryan?” I asked. I needed to know that this “Anthony” wasn’t just something Madison made up to get me worked up.

            Ryan didn’t move at all, just stared at the alarm clock that switched from 7:58 to 7:59 pm in that moment.

            “Madison told me…” I continued, “She told me about this boy that… you… he-“

            “No!” Ryan stood up. I jumped at his sudden reaction. “No…” he repeated. This time the word sounded like the most painful word in the world. His voice sounded like everything inside of him was falling apart.

            “We need to go- Right now. Come with me,” I took his hand and dragged him into the hall. I knocked on Rob’s door.

            “H-hey?” he looked confused as he opened the door, his gaze shifting between Ryan and I. Ryan was looking at the floor.

            “Hey, can we borrow the van for like, an hour? We have to go get some… um…”

            “Condoms?” Rob said, chuckling. I looked around, shifting my weight between my feet.

            “Um, yeah.” I said uncomfortably. He looked at me, his eyes wide and blank. He handed me the keys and looked at Ryan.

            “See you later.” he said, pronouncing each syllable harshly. When Ryan looked up at Rob, he looked terrified. I felt horribly out of the loop.

            “Thanks,” I said, and took Ryan’s hand again.

            We ran to the van through the pouring rain, and it thundered violently. He got in the passenger’s side, and I drove to the edge of a desolate rest area surrounded by tall trees. I parked and turned off the ignition.

            We sat and listened to the rain pound on the van, watched the lightening and flinched at every unexpectedly loud clap of thunder. I was waiting for him to be ready to talk, but after ten minutes, I was afraid that was never going to happen.

            “Ryan,” I whispered. He looked at me, his chapped lips parted. He wanted to say something; he just didn’t have the words yet. His face was so weary. The way his eyebrows scrunched together, and his dark eyes darting around- I felt his hurt just by looking at his face.

            I thought back to that day in class when he led me to the third floor and told me it was college that was bothering him. I knew it was a lie then, and whatever it really was had been festering inside him until now. Anthony, if what Madison said was true.

            “He…” Ryan started. Tears filled his eyes as the next words fell from his mouth, “He loved me,” A tear slid down his face, just as the raindrops slid down the window behind him.

            He loved me. I had heard him say those exact words twice before. This was the first time he’d said them sober. He slowly moved from the passenger’s seat to my lap, burying his face in my shoulder. He wasn’t sobbing, just silently crying with the occasional sniffle. That almost seemed worse to me- he was so worn down, he didn’t even have the energy to sob.

            Ryan told me the story of Anthony Aisely. The party, the bridge, how much of an a*****e he’d been. Anthony had filled notebooks all about how much he’d loved Ryan, and how hopeless and depressed he was. Anthony’s mother had given Ryan the notebooks after the funeral, but Ryan threw them away.

            “I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve a single second he invested in me. I couldn’t look at those notebooks. He never would have wanted me to see them,” he said, shaking his head, “God, he was perfect, Pete. He was such a perfect boy with a future... and I…” he rubbed his head, “Sometimes, you remind me of him so much…”

            I found myself crying right along with him. There was nothing I could do to make his pain go away, I realized, but there was nothing cocaine could do to help him either.

            “You can’t do this anymore, Ry. I love you too much to sit back here and watch you destroy yourself with these drugs. You can find other ways to... to let go. I… I’ll help you,” I said. He wiped a tear from my eye as it fell.

            “I’ll try. I can’t do anything about it right now, but when we get home, I… I’ll get help. I promise,” he said.

He kissed my forehead for a long second. Our eyes locked, and he kissed me again, on my lips this time. I pulled him closer, but it never seemed to be close enough. We both jumped a little when the thunder clapped especially loud. His lips quickly found mine again, and I parted them with my tongue. Our sorrow slowly began to subside as it was replaced with passion. I delicately ran my fingers up and down his back, simultaneously trying to comfort him and excite him.

“I need you,” he said almost desperately, his dark memories still lingering. His hands explored my body, begging me to somehow push them out of his mind.

We didn’t have to say much more than that. His lips crashed against mine again, and I felt him shiver as I ran my hand up and down his inner thigh. He reached down and reclined the seat as far as it would go, and hurriedly shed his black tee shirt. I followed suit. We quickly repositioned ourselves so that he was lying between my legs, our groins rubbing against one another as if our lives depended on it. He slid my pants off and awkwardly pulled his off, being careful not to bump the horn or emergency break.

That moment- that time Ryan and I had made love not fucked or had sex- was the most beautiful moment of my eighteen year old life. Every single second Ryan and I had spent together played through my mind like a movie, leading up to the magnificent moment we were living in. I finally knew him- I finally knew Ryan Lane, and I felt like I was flying. But what goes up must eventually come down.

He rested his head on my chest, and we both tried to catch our breath. The rain subsided a little, but I could still hear it tapping lightly on the top of the van.

“When did you know you liked me as more than a friend?” he asked me out of the blue.

“Well, I always knew that I viewed you differently than my other friends. I just couldn’t put my finger on it for the longest time. Then, I heard about you sleeping with Madison, and I was really jealous. I realized that it’s not exactly normal for a guy to be jealous of the girl his friend is f*****g… So, I just sort of put two and two together, you know?” I explained, stroking his hair.

“But you were so shy,” I felt him smile.

“I didn’t think… I mean, you were straight.” he chuckled at my statement.

“I’ve always been gay,” he said nonchalantly, “Sure, I’ve had sex with a few girls, and yeah, I guess it was okay but,” he laced his fingers through mine, “Never like this.” he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Before I met you, I’d tell people I was a flamer, but I was always the one who ended up burnt,”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You know, a******s giving me a hard time, confused kids using me for a quick f**k to see if they really were, in fact, gay. I was very naïve,”

“You were never out at school though,” I said, still a bit confused.

“Well, there are more places to be out of the closet than just school,” he said as soft thunder rumbled in the distance. “I went to like, college parties and stuff,”

“And stuff…” I repeated. We were quiet for a while. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer felt the ominous distance that usually lingered between Ryan and I.

“It really is going to be okay, Ry.” I whispered in his ear. He lifted his head slightly to peck my bare chest. We pulled our clothes on and drove back without saying a word.