Silence

Switches Points of View.

Pete’s POV:

            “Please let me in!?” Madison shouted at the door of my motel room as she kicked it repeatedly.

            “Shut the f**k up, Madison. They’ll kick us out. There are other people staying at this motel- don’t be inconsiderate,” I whisper shouted at her when I opened the door.

            “Sorry, I don’t like rooming with Dan and Benny. They’re too serious all the time. Well, you’re too serious too, but at least you’re nice to look at,” she touched the top of my head as she walked past me into the room. I rolled my eyes.

            “Where’s Ryan?” she asked, peering into the bathroom.

            “He just left- said he needed to spend some time alone,” I said, trying not to let my concern show too much… and failing.

            “He’s probably with Rob. Rob likes Ryan. They’re ‘best friends for life’ all of a sudden,” she said, frowning. She curled up on the bed.

            “Right, great,” I sighed. What a great best friend to have- a drug dealing high school drop out deadbeat loser. I knew I was being unfair, judging Rob, but it was plain to see.

            “You don’t want him to be friends with Rob?” she asked.

            “Well, he’s a drug dealer… and Ryan’s developed quite the habit for drugs,” I said. I was talking to the wrong person about this.

            “At least Rob is a good drug dealer. He doesn’t f**k around with anything but the good s**t. And, he has everything you could ask for.” she explained. I nodded, thinking.

            “Why do you do so many drugs, Madison?” I asked, sitting down next to her.

            “Why not?” her eyes suddenly became vacant.

            “Because it’s bad for you. Drugs ruin people’s lives and futures and careers. Don’t you want to eventually get married and have a family?”

            “Shut up,” she snapped at me. “Just shut up. You don’t know anything. You don’t know a single f*****g thing. Just shut the f**k up.”

            “Woah, okay, calm down,”

            “No… I have to go,” she jumped out of the room.

            I face planted the bed, all alone once again, feeling like I’d done something wrong once again.

            The sun was almost up by the time Ryan came back to the room. His clothes and hair were a little damp, and he had dried blood on his hands and arms, like something out of a slasher movie. I sat up, and he sat on the end of the bed. I had been in an almost-sleep trance before he had arrived, and I knew I was going to be exhausted the rest of the day, but I wasn’t worried about that. I was worried about my perfect boyfriend who was suddenly not doing so well.

            He was sitting on the foot of the bed, looking at the ground like it had just called him a horrible name: a mixture of shock and fury.

            “Are you okay, hon?” I whispered very softly. He didn’t answer me. I crawled towards him and cautiously wrapped my arms around his torso, leaning my head on his shoulder. “Did I do something wrong?” I asked, still whispering. He shook his head, no. I hugged him tighter.

            “You know I’ll be here when you want to talk about it.” I said. I had an inkling that it had something to do with his recently out of control partying habits. This was a small inkling.

            “I…” he started. The long pause that came after that was excruciating. I don’t know if there had been a louder silence in the history of the universe.

            “…thank you,” he finished. I knew what he was going to say. I love you. He changed his mind.

            We lied down and turned the lights off, pulling the sheet around our bodies. He lay with his back to me. When I touched his shoulder, he flinched away. That stung. My eyes threatened to spill tears onto the stained pillow case. I didn’t dare let a tear fall until his breath deepened and his hunched shoulders relaxed. I knew he was asleep, and I let it all go. I sobbed into the pillow, my heart feeling about as heavy as that godforsaken van. Two words echoed through my mind the rest of the night- “What happened?” When I woke up the next afternoon, he wasn’t there.

 

Ryan’s POV:

            It was 1 pm. My eyelids flew open- I couldn’t take it anymore. Sleeping through the pounding in my head was impossible. I shot out of bed and into the bathroom, hugging my topless body for warmth. I pulled the baggie out and drew myself a line. Just one. That should be enough to make me feel at least human.

            And I was right. Although my nose f*****g burned like the fires of hell, I could feel the fire in my brain slowly drifting. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was honestly shocked. I didn’t know it was possible for me to be even more pale than I already was. My face had gotten thinner. My eyes had gotten darker. It was like looking at my evil twin.

            I walked back into the bedroom. Pete was in a deep sleep. His eyes were red and a little puffy. He had been crying. He looked so defeated and worn out. Anthony’s face flashed through my mind for a millisecond as he’d told me, “That’s not enough,” Why wouldn’t it just go away. No- nothing ever happened. There was nothing to go away. It wasn’t real.

            I got dressed and went outside to smoke a cigarette.

 

Pete’s POV:

            “There you are. Where were you this morning?” I asked Ryan, acting as if everything was just Jim dandy. We were in the lobby, all of us, checking out. Kalin was talking to the lady at the desk. She had red lipstick on her chin and a shrill voice.

            “Went out for a smoke- sorry,” he mumbled. No eye-contact.

            “It’s okay,” I touched his shoulder as sort of a test. He didn’t flinch this time. I smiled at him. “Ryan,” I said. He looked up at me. Finally, I thought.

            “What?” he asked. His dilated eyes were vacant.

            “Nothing,” of course he was high already, of course. I walked away from him and got in the van. Rob drove this time with Ryan in the passenger’s seat. I sat in the back with the others. It was almost 2 pm when we finally hit the road. We stopped at Speedway for coffee. Madison and I ended up being the first ones back to the van. Everyone else took forever just f*****g around, buying coffee and breakfast. I sort of expected her to still be mad at me for whatever I did last night, but what she said threw me off guard.

            “Ryan really got screwed over,” Madison said, taking a drag from her cigarette and a sip of coffee.

            “How?” I asked. She was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol at this particular moment, which might have been the only time I had ever spoken to her sober. This was interesting.

            “I’m only going to tell you this because I don’t think Ryan will… but this kid Ryan fucked last year, Anthony. He killed himself and made it sort of seem like it was Ryan’s fault. He had some serious psychological problems though. It wasn’t fair, and Ryan can’t see that. He just sees this boy that he murdered… he feels like he killed his soul or something.

            “Anthony had followed Ryan to a party and sort of seduced him. It was the last thing he wanted to do before he died. He got what he wanted, and then he was gone forever. Apparently, Ryan was a really big d********g about it, and that’s why Anthony killed himself,” she took another long drag. I took the cancer stick and inhaled its toxic stress relieving wonders.

            “F**k,” I said. Kalin slid the door open and got in.

            “Hey kids,” he said. He had a coffee in one hand and some doughnut holes in the other.

            “Hi,” I greeted him. My brain was refusing to register any of the information Madison had just told me.

            “I didn’t know you smoked, Pete,” Kalin said, looking at the cigarette between my fingers. I gave it back to Madison.

            “I don’t,” I muttered quickly. We sat in silence for a long, long time. All of the other guys came back- we were just waiting for Rob and Ryan. Where the f**k were they?

            When I finally saw them approaching the car, I felt queasy.

            “Jesus Christ, where the hell were you guys? Off f*****g somewhere?” Kalin joked. Ryan’s face went pale.

            “No,” he said defensively. Our eyes locked.  Rob cackled loudly.

            “Don’t worry, Kalin, I’m sure if you asked Pete permission, there would be plenty of Ryan to go around. No need to get jealous.” Rob said, pulling out of the gas station.

            “He’s all yours,” I joked. Rob laughed the loudest.

 

Ryan’s POV:

            Rob followed me down the snack aisle as I searched for something that looked almost appetizing.

            “Hey,” he said in a low voice. I felt sort of awkward and uncomfortable after how I’d freaked out the previous night.

            “I was just thinking…” he continued. His hands gripped my waist, getting threateningly close to my crotch as he came up behind me. We both watched as Pete left the store, walking back to the van.

            “You seemed so upset last night… I just wanted to make sure you were okay… maybe make you feel better,” he said quietly in my ear.

            “Rob… this is risky…” I started to say. His hips brushed against my back side and I could feel that he was in no position to wait.

            “…but I guess, yeah.” I finished my sentence. How we managed to slip into the bathroom together without anyone noticing was beyond me.

            He locked the door and pulled my body close to his, his tongue traveling from the base of my neck to my ear lobe. I pulled on his hair, and his lips found mine. He bit my lower lip and pushed me against the wall. I noted how strong he was. I wrapped my legs around him and gasped as our lower halves came into contact. He undid my jeans and slid his hand down the back of my pants. I was a little weirded out with the whole “fingering” thing, but…

            A few embarrassing noises escaped from my mouth, but Rob didn’t seem to mind. The intensity of it all was almost enough to make me forget about the fire starting up in my brain again.

            “F**k,” I said as I came. I lowered myself from him, reached into his pants while catching my breath and all it took was a few swift movements and he was done too.

            “Well,” he smirked at me as he zipped up his pants and I put my shirt back on. “Good morning,”

            I quickly fixed my post-orgasm hair (which was not a hell of a lot different from my regular hair), and proceeded out the door.

            “Hey,” he pulled me back in and kissed me lustfully again. When he pulled away, he looked in my eyes for a few seconds. I thought maybe he was going to destroy my heart and say “Thanks” but he just squeezed my shoulder and opened the door for me without saying anything.

            When we got back in the van, everyone was silent.

            “Jesus Christ, where the hell were you guys? Off f*****g somewhere?” Kalin said, chuckling. I almost f*****g lost it.

            “No,” I said, almost too quickly. I never should’ve looked over at Pete. Rob started laughing.

            “Don’t worry, Kalin, I’m sure if you asked Pete permission, there would be plenty of Ryan to go around. No need to get jealous.”

            “He’s all yours,” Pete joked. Rob might as well have gone into hysterics. It was pretty funny, but too tragic for me to laugh at.

            The sun was blinding me- it reminded me of the intense deprivation going on in my body. I ducked down almost underneath the dashboard and drew two lines on a magazine I found in the glove compartment. When I sat up again, my whole world was smoother. I felt completely unstoppable. I cranked up the radio and sang along to some stupid 80’s pop song, ignoring the weird looks Pete was giving me, and the fact that Rob was laughing at me.

            Rob snatched the little baggie of coke that was hanging out of my pocket and examined it underneath the steering wheel.

            “Did I give you this s**t?” he asked. I nodded, continuing my ridiculous karaoke solo.

            “Don’t use this, it’s f*****g garbage. I’ll get you the real good stuff later,” he said.

            “The ‘real good stuff’ Rob? Like last time?” Kalin asked. He looked extremely alarmed.

            “No, no. Chill, man. Nothing but the best for this guy,” Rob smiled. He touched my shoulder, and my skin felt sort of tingly where his hand had brushed me. I wanted him all over again.

            Pete whispered to Madison and looked over at me for about the fifteenth time, and anger surged through my body.

            “What the f**k is going on back there, huh? What’s so goddamn secretive that you can’t say it to the entire group?” I said. Pete glared at me, not saying a word.

            “Ryan, take it easy, man,” Kalin said to me. I rolled my eyes and lit a cigarette, pulling my feet up onto the dashboard. No one said a word; more silence. Always silence.