First

Pete's POV

After that day in the storage room, we were pretty much done with the new relationship, horny-for-each-other-every-moment-of-every-day phase. April came and went, and May came around.

            Ryan and I celebrated our 1 month anniversary by going out to dinner at a stupid Italian restaurant downtown. It didn’t feel very special, and we both agreed on that. So, after dinner, he and I ventured back to the tree that we first kissed under.

            “This is such a cliché,” Ryan said as we sat down. I frowned.

            “I think it’s nice,” I mumbled.

            “Oh, I think it’s nice too, it’s just too… sugar coated teenage soap opera for me,” he said in a mocking tone.

            “Well, how would you prefer it? Should we go hang out over by the foundry and hang with some drug dealers?” I asked. He laughed under his breath.

"No," he said.

 I scooted over closer to him and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. He sighed.

            “Alright, this is perfect. You win.” he said, kissing the side of my face. I took his hand in mine and examined our hands linked together. His fingers were long and pale, and his fingernails were chewed down viciously in a nervous rampage. My hands were more of an olive skin tone, my fingers slightly shorter and more square, and my fingernails neat and unbitten. My callouses from guitar playing brushed the smoothness of his skin. I kissed the top of his hand.

            “Pete?” Ryan asked quietly.

            “Yeah?”

            “You’re a good boyfriend.”

            I chuckled under my breath, “You are too, Ry.” I wanted to say it really badly- those three words that could either make or break a relationship. Timing was key. I decided to wait on it.

            The stars were becoming more evident in the sky now.

            “We’re graduating soon. Really soon.” Ryan stated.

            “Yeah, I guess we are,” I said.

            “You’d really come to Kansas with me?” he asked.

            “Of course- I’ll get a job, we’ll get an apartment or something- it’ll be good.”

            “I feel like this is too much to be asking of you,” he said.

            “You’re not asking anything of me. This is what I want to do. My parents are okay with me taking a year off anyway. After that, I’ll figure it out.” I explained.

            “Wow. Cool,” Ryan said happily. After a minute of silence, Ryan said, “A month, and we haven’t had sex. It’s quite an achievement.”

            “Yeah, well, it’s been hard,” I said. We both chuckled at my dirty double-meaning. I could sense that this was him sort of giving me a hint- or, that’s what my paranoia was telling me at least. Nothing else was said on the matter.

***

            The next weekend, we went to hang out at Madison’s again. When we arrived, she was sitting in the sink, eating pasta out of a Tupperware container. Rob was watching and laughing at her from the island barstool. When she realized we had arrived, she turned the water on (drenching herself in the process) and sprayed us with the dish hose. She and Rob practically pissed themselves laughing. Ryan and I had to chuckle, now soaking wet. Madison lifted her drenched a*s out of sink and threw her wet skirt on the floor, standing in the middle of the kitchen in her skivvies.

            “Hey guys,” she said, still giggling, “Wanna have some fun?”

            The four of us sat on Madison’s futon bed and passed around a joint.

            “I think… I just really want Doritos. I love Doritos okay,” Rob said, laughing.

            “Shut up!” Madison shrieked, giggling. Watching Ryan take a hit was like watching him drift further and further out to sea, away from the world. When he passed the joint to me, I inhaled deeply, the high washing over me, softening the edges of the world.

            “Did you know that Ryan and Pete are f*****g now?” Madison said to Rob.

            “I told you, we don’t f**k.” Ryan defended us, “We’re together.”

            “You’re gay?” Rob asked.

            “Two hundred percent,” Ryan said, laughing.

            “Huh,” Rob said, not knowing how to respond right away. His gaze shifted between Ryan and I before he said, “Yeah, you look gay,”

            “What does that even mean?” Ryan asked, still laughing.

            “I dunno man, I can see it. I can see the gay in your eyes.” Rob answered. All four of us cracked up.

            “I can see the man-w***e in your eyes, Robert.” Madison said. Rob clicked his tongue.

            “Yeah, you should talk,” he said sarcastically.

            Rob was an okay guy, I thought. He was a little fucked up- more than the rest of us- but he was funny and nice. He seemed harmless to me.

***

            “I want you to meet my parents before we graduate,” Ryan said as we walked home from school.

            “Oh… Okay,” I said. That sounded intimidating, but I was excited that he wanted to take this serious step in our relationship.

            “Come over for dinner tomorrow night. I’ll try to make it as painless as possible.” he smiled.

            I nodded, “Alright,”

            He walked me to my house, kissed me softly on the lips and continued walking down the street.

            “Hi hon,” My mom greeted me as I threw my backpack on the ground and kicked off my high-tops.

            “Hey,” I said.

            My mom was pretty easy going for the most part. Before I was born, she and my dad had a son, but he had only lived to be about a year and a half old before he had passed away because of lung defects. My mom had become very depressed after that, and when my parents had me about three years later, parenting had lost its luster. She was very protective of me, but I always felt like there was something missing- some key piece to our mother/son relationship- that kept us distant from each other. I had come out to my parents about a month prior to when Ryan and I started dating because I knew they wouldn’t care. They loved me, but they weren’t particularly interested in me. They weren’t surprised, although I wasn’t blatantly gay or anything. I didn’t fit many stereotypes. I guessed it was because I never brought girls home, or I didn’t play on the football team or something absolutely ridiculous like that. The point is, I wanted to tell my mother about Ryan and I.

            “Mom,” I began, my throat suddenly dry.

            “Yes?” she asked, chopping up carrots for the salad she was making.

            “I… I’m going to dinner at someone’s house tomorrow night,” I said slowly.

            “Whose house?”

            “Um, well, Ryan Lane. He’s sort of my boyfriend.” I mumbled.

            She stopped chopping and peered up at me, her forehead wrinkles deepening. She made a small “Hm,” noise, and set her knife down.

            “How long have you been seeing this Ryan Lane?” she asked, her voice sounding small and disconnected.

            “A month or so. He’s the singer in the band.” I said. I couldn’t help but let some pride shine through my tone.

            “Oh yes, I met him when you had all of… those kids over.” she said, trying to remember what he looked like. “Well… be safe.” she said.

            “Mother,” I said sharply, rolling my eyes before I popped a carrot in my mouth and turned for my bedroom. I wondered idly if there was anyone in the entire world who would just be happy for Ryan and I.

            That night, I had a hard time falling asleep. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about making a good impression on Ryan’s parents. I didn’t know much about them besides the fact that Ryan generally disliked them.

            When I met them, I understood why. I arrived at Ryan’s house promptly at 5:30 pm. I had spent about a half a million years choosing the clothes I wanted to wear until finally settling on my usual skinny jeans/ button down blue plaid shirt combo. I rolled up the sleeves of the shirt and rang the doorbell.

            “Hey,” Ryan answered the door smiling. He looked great, as always, in a grey tee shirt and his worn out jean jacket.

            “Come inside,” he motioned me inside. It was a nice little green house. The paint was chipping and it was rough around the edges, but hey- so was every house in the neighborhood, including mine. I took a good look around as Ryan led me through his living room into the kitchen. As we approached his mother, I actually wished I had a cigarette.

            “Mom, this is Pete Nash. Pete, my mom, Alice,” Ryan introduced us. I held out my hand, and she took it hesitantly.

            “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Lane,” I said. She nodded, frowning slightly.

            “We’re eating in ten, Ryan.” she said, continuing preparations for the meal. I looked at the floor, fully realizing now that I could never make a good impression on Ryan’s parents. I knew it wasn’t personal; it was just their small mindedness on the entire ‘gay’ situation.

            I knew his dad would be worse. We walked into the dining room where the grey haired man was sitting, looking over some bills or something.

            “Hey dad- this is Pete Nash. Pete, my dad, Steve,” I shook his hand also, but he said nothing and made no eye contact at all. I tried not to let it get to me.

            When Ryan, Matt, Ryan’s parents and I sat down for dinner, it was all equally as awkward. No one really said anything, and everyone just stared at their food. I tried to eat because I didn’t want to be rude, but my stomach was in knots. When we were done, Ryan and I silently cleared the table and ventured to his bedroom. It was probably the most awkward experience of my life.

            We ventured upstairs to his attic bedroom. The ceilings were low and slanted and it was fairly dark. His walls were covered with music and movie posters from Star Wars to Blink-182. His desk was cluttered with sketches and paints and markers and his floor had a layer of dirty clothes on it. It smelled like him, and it made me smile.

            “I’m sorry, Pete. My parents are just… jerk-offs.” Ryan said, sitting down on the edge of his bed. I noticed his Spiderman sheets and chuckled.

            “It’s okay. At least they’re fairly accepting. We’re lucky they didn’t yell at us or throw us out.” I said.

            “No, they’re ridiculous,” he said, putting his head in his hands.

            “Oh, well,” I started, sitting next to him and leaning into his shoulder, “How are you gonna make it up to me?”

            He looked at me, raising his eyebrows, and placed a small kiss on my lips.

            “Oh, I’m gonna need more than that,” I whispered, beaming at him.

            “You mean…?”

            “Yes, Ry,” I said.

            “You’re sure? You’re ready?”

            “I’m positive,” I said confidently. His worried expression faded, and he kissed me again, slowly pushing me down onto his bed. I tangled my fingers in his messy raven hair and pulled him down onto me completely to kiss his neck. I wanted to do this more than anything in that moment- I knew that I loved him, and I wanted to show him that, but I was afraid and Ryan could sense that. Clothes were shed and Ryan got a condom out of a box from underneath his bed.

            “We don’t have to if you’re not ready,” Ryan whispered very quietly in my ear.

            “I want to,” I said, tracing his lips with my thumb.

            It was pretty bad. I was in pain, and uncomfortable and had a low pain threshold, and it was my first. I didn’t do well covering up my discomfort either. Ryan pulled out and wiped the sweat off of my forehead. I didn’t look at him.

            “Hey, hey- it’s okay,” he whispered. He made a trail of kisses from my face down my body until he was between my legs. He turned my awful first time into a much better first time, but embarrassing nonetheless. Why did I say I was ready? I didn't understand why Ryan still wanted to mess around. I was such a little p***y. But he was wonderful and didn't pass judgement. Once again, I was feeling like the luckiest b*****d in the universe.

***

            Waking up with Ryan’s arms around me might have been the best feeling in the world. I was still embarrassed from the previous night, but I knew we could try again and get it right without me wimping out.

            “Good morning,” he whispered in my ear.

            “Hey,” I said. He placed a kiss on my bare shoulder.

            “Are you alright?” he asked.

            “Yeah, why?”

            “I mean… I know the first time probably sucks… I’ve never- I mean, I’ve always been on top, so…” he sighed, “Sorry, you don’t want to hear about this. I’m such a dick,”

            “No- no, you’re not,” I said, smiling, “It’s fine,” I pressed his fingers to my lips.

            “You’re perfect,” he whispered absent mindedly. I blushed, looking around.

            “Well, I wouldn’t say-“ I was cut off by Ryan’s dog running in and jumping onto the bed with us. The dog was followed by footsteps coming up the stairs.

            “F**k- Matt.” Ryan said, panicked. He nudged me onto the floor, wrapped in some sort of blanket cocoon.

            “Ow!”

            “Shh!”

            “Ryan?” Matt entered the bedroom.

            “What the hell, man? I’m trying to sleep.” Ryan said, flustered.

            “Madison called for you. She said she needs to talk to you ASAP, and that you should just shove your cell phone up your a*s since you never pick it up anyway,” Matt reported, “Oh, and good morning, Pete. There’s coffee downstairs if you want any. Mom and Dad just left for work.”

            “Um, good morning Matt.” I waved, poking my head up from the opposite side of the bed. He nodded and turned out the door.

            “Awkward…” I said, standing up. We got up and got dressed. I tried my hardest not to marvel at his unclothed body, but failed. He didn’t mind. We smiled at each other.

            When we got downstairs (I, now clad in Ryan’s jeans and a tee shirt), we poured ourselves large mugs of coffee. Ryan grabbed the phone and dialed Madison’s number.

            “Hey- you called?” Ryan said into the phone. “Woah calm down. You can come over… no, they’re not home… okay, hurry.” He hung up. When I looked at him, he just shook his head. I faked a concerned expression. Even though I knew Ryan was mine now, I couldn’t shake my distaste for the girl.

            Madison barged into the kitchen ten minutes later, bawling and sniffling and wiping tears and snot onto the back of her hand. She had glitter all over most of her body, and she was wearing an electric blue sleeveless romper with combat boots. Her b***s were on the verge of falling out of the blue material completely, but that was sort of an everyday thing for her.

            “My parents kicked me out,” she said, and sniffled a few more times. Ryan hugged her and rubbed her back.

            “What happened?” he asked.

            “I came home yesterday after staying with Rob for a few nights, and they just started screaming at me about the drugs and how they could go to jail and I could go to jail and… they just don’t want me any more,” She wiped more tears off her face.

            “Can’t you just stay with Rob now?” Ryan asked.

            “Yeah, I already have most of my s**t with him, but… He lives in a van, Ryan! I don’t want to live in a f*****g van! What the f**k am I going to do?” she sobbed. Ryan sighed, rubbing her back for a few moments.

            “I’ll go get you some Advil,” he said, leaving Madison and I in the kitchen.

            She eyed me; I glanced at her. She had composed herself a bit.

            “You spent the night,” she said, sniffling again.

            “Yes, I did,” I said, looking into my coffee mug.

            “You fucked,” she said, looking deeply at my face.

            “Yeah,” I chuckled, “We did,” What was she gonna do about it?

            She looked at me and tilted her head. Our eyes met as we sat in silence. She and I had both had sex with Ryan. The only real difference was that with me, it actually meant something. She knew that. I knew that. Now we were on the same page. I knew she disliked me as much as I disliked her.

            Ryan came back with some Advil for her and poured her some coffee.

            “Thank you,” she said, throwing the pills back and downing her coffee. “You’re my favorite person in the whole world, Ryan.” she said. She wiped the makeup off from underneath her eyes. “I’m too under-medicated to be dealing with this situation. Thanks for the moral support.” she took Ryan’s hand and kissed the middle of his palm. “Bye,” she slammed the back door on her way out.

            Ryan treated Madison better than anyone else in her life. Their relationship was so complex, and it shouldn’t have worked, but somehow they were still the best of friends. It was just weird- the way she looked at him sometimes…

            “So, what are we going to do today?” he asked me, pushing the hair on my forehead back. I shrugged, my mind flooding with fantasies of laying in bed with him all day, watching movies and drinking coffee and eating junk food and making love again and telling him how much I loved him.

            I loved him.

            “I love you,” I said. For a split second, he looked like he was terrified of the words that had just come out of my mouth. His eye brows knitted together and he looked like he was remembering something. He quickly brushed it off and smiled.

            “I love you too,” he said genuinely. Our coffee flavored lips collided, and I inhaled his intoxicating scent.

He took my hand and led me back up to his bedroom.

Reviews

[Kaylor Mason]

I really feel sorry for Madison, and I have to ask because I'm curious: when she's eating all the time, is it because of the drugs, or is she pregnant?