Twice Bitten, Coming Back for More

Love and relationships are so hard. Sometimes one person falls in love and the other is just mildly interested. Other times, they are both looking, find the perfect thing, and are too blind to see it.

 

Such pain as fills his heart he's rarely felt.

Unguarded, unsealed chambers slowly bleed.

By loving hands the cutting blows are dealt.

Assassin, unaware you do your deed.

 

Twice ravaged was the fortress in his chest;

Two times built up, each stronger than the last.

Portcullis gates kept out all but the best.

With perfect grace each barrier you passed.

 

Unfailing summer light streams from the sky.

It finds no joy in wilting pampered blooms.

Unbidden, sunlight shines, it knows not why.

Your beauty, uncontrolled, his love consumes.

 

Brick and mortar crumble, wet with blood.

You leave him to rebuild with rubied mud.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Devons]

I feel a strong affinity to this poem, actually. It is a very beautiful, yet tragic cry from the soul that again is tortured by the understated 'crazy little thing called love'. Normally i am cynical of writing that is so devoted to this subject, but the honest way that you tenderly pick apart the vanquished bones of yet another of its victims is deeper than the usual whining of words one finds elsewhere.
These lines are very telling...

"By loving hands the cutting blows are dealt.
Assassin, unaware you do your deed.
...Twice ravaged was the fortress in his chest;
Two times built up, each stronger than the last."

Really skilfully written -as is your standard- which bolsters the affection your work has, drawing readers across the divide of cynicism.

[FlatLineBeauty]

Putting up the walls with each heart break. That I can relate to. Have you ever heard the song by Emilie Autumn called Castle Down? That is what this poem reminds me of. If you ever wanna listen here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbm-wnyrckU

[Mark]

How rarely we see the Shakespearean sonnet! vastly less popular than the original Italian, with that abab that so many shun (albeit it is MY personal favorite, to no-one's surprise!)
You have an absolute gift with the verbal picture: "Twice ravaged, the fortress in his chest", "...rebuild with rubied mud." Your poetry, always soul-stirring, is so enhanced by these unavoidable images of desperation and violence.
Ellen wrote a poem, one of the first I read upon coming to the WC, analogizing the oft-shattered heart to a castle upbuilding. I cannot at present remmber the title, but your simile struck that chord up in me from near-two-year's ago. masterful job, my friend!

[Mike Espinosa]

This is an interesting poem with some really cool imagery. Your first line is a bit confusing though. I stumbled over it several times before finally understanding what you meant. I'm assuming you're trying to get ten syllables per line,so this change might be a bit tougher, but i'm sure it's possible.

I liked how you rearranged sentence structure to fit the rhyme scheme, but I think you could use some more commas where you switched phrases within sentences.

I know you're going for an ABAB rhyme scheme in most stanzas, and you did them well, but sometimes it feels forced. Not enough to rob the poem of any real meaning, but enough to be slightly noticeable.

However, your rhythm feels cool. Overall, good job.

[Tina Kline]

Love can send you straight to heaven then plunge you down to the depths of hell. I think you did a wonderful job on this describing that very thing.

[Jeremy D. Andrews]

What emotion I have come back from this poem is the fact you speak of the travesty done against you, yet you have not mentioned any repercussions. There is no anger in which I have been able to take from this poem. There is a lot of love expressed in which you so willingly have given to this person. It is sad this person has become inept in bypassing the emotional struggle and has been avoiding what you have to offer. The imagery you convey at the end of the poem of the blood still mixed with the mud shows this is not only the first person who has torn down your walls and ripped your heart out. There has been no cleansing of this emotional pain from any of the past. You have become so engrained in the fact this will happen you do not make an attempt to portray any kind of manner in which you want to make a change in regard to the pain suffered. On a side note you need to edit your description of the poem of the word perfect.

[Dutch Jr.]

Great poetic expression in this one. Perfectly portrays love and romance.

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

Matt, you don't give yourself enough credit. I usually am rather hard on sentimental poems, poems dealing with heartbreak, and anything similar to that. Yet you pull off writing about this subject matter in a way that even the harshest critics, like myself, can enjoy them and relate to you. Loving someone and not receiving the same feelings back is extremely hard. I wish you the best of luck. If you want to improve your writing try to come up with images for the pain that you don't maybe see as often. Maybe compare these cutting blows to when a person carves their name into a tree?

[A.Lee]

Wow. No, this is an excellent poem. You took a common theme and really set it apart from the rest. I can really feel the pain and downhearted spirit you put into this.

"By loving hands the cutting blows are dealt.
Assassin, unaware you do your deed."

"Brick and mortar crumble, wet with blood.
You leave him to rebuild with rubied mud."

Those two lines really stood out to me. Whoever the culprit of your broken heart was would be humbled by these words. Unfortunalely love isn't something that comes easily. It can take a long time to find the right one and its even harder to hold on to them. Very well written. 100 from me

[Samuel Dickens]

I know it's tough, but why do you think so many songs, poems and stories are devoted to that very subject? Love can make you soar like an eagle or plummet like a stone. My experience is that you just have to keep trying until the day comes when it all works out. As for venting-- we all need to do it sometimes.

[Michael X]

love sucks. when it's one sided, best thing to do is end it, quickly as possible and move on imo, this is powerful and painful to read, and draws up many memories of my own experience with a similar situation. but the metaphors you have used are awsome and really bring the words to life. to me its a reflection of being broken and rebuilt under the control of a puppet master, and the heart is merely attached to strings that pulled by the might hand of an ill famed lover in the shadows
who perhaps is used to getting what they want, a continuous toying game.
ouch you did a magnificent job poetically, its captivating