Souled What Was Already Mine

A poem

 You drew me in with answers I had sought.

”Love me,” you said, “and I will make you whole.”

Through sacrifice of self your truth I bought;

As recompense you offered me my soul.

 

I emptied out my mind to make some room;

Ideals once valued boxed up on a whim;

Like creeping bougainvillea, quick to bloom;

Lies blossomed bright while strangled truth grew dim.

 

Afraid to show my face instead of yours;

I chomped the bit and let you take the reins;

You placed me in a boat and took the oars;

And dashed on jagged rocks left my remains.

 

 

Forlorn and lost I grasped an outstretched hand.

The soul you'd claimed was yours helped me to stand.

Author's Note

I want to see if anyone is able to tell me what the heck I'm writing about. If someone can, I'll feel great. If not, I'll re-write!

Reviews

[Doreen]

The first stanza sounds as though you're saying that You put your heart into this person's hands, and in return they made you feel whole. It sounds in the second, that things weren't of your moral standards, but you went with it anyway, meanwhile lying to yourself about who you really are, and what you were willing to put up with. And in the third, it sounds as though you speak of giving trust over to the other since they seem the stronger person emotionally. And lastly, you say that you were down and reached out to the person who seemed to be the 'one' only to find out that they weren't who they had claimed, but there was enough there to make you feel whole and strong while it was all happening.

I don't know if I'm completely off the mark, but that's how it comes across to me. I like this poem. I can very much relate to this one. Very nice.

[Mark]

Mike,
The impression I get is of one who, in the name of love, subsumes his identity, not realizing that that is the worst thing he might possibly have done. It is untrue to himself, AND untrue to his would-be lover, as what she is left with is merely a husk of what he truly is, wrapped in an illusion consisting of reflections of herself! When his heart, is, as it were, cast upon the rocks, he has been someone else so long that he may not even realize that he is personally responsible for the tragedy, nor have any notion how to prevent it's reoccurence (which is what seems about to happen in the final couplet: ego dashed, he reaches out to yet a different alter ego, in hopes that he might be fixed, when the responjsibility for his repair is his alone!
By the way, good use of the Shakespearean sonnet; it is so much less often seen than it's predecessor, the Italian. Good job all around!

[Jeremy D. Andrews]

This is in relation to your religious ideology. That is what I picked up first, but was not sure if you were headed in that direction. My second thought was it was a conflict of your personality where you were losing yourself to a new you that you allowed to take over.

[Tina Kline]

To me it seems as if is about someone who fell in love and was promised so much but instead they ended up in a very controlling relationship where they surrendered who they were to fit what this person wanted them to be and survived it because the person didn't really have their soul in the end.

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

Your use of imagery is great. This is really sad. I know how this can feel so I made personal connections with it. It's good that you work out so much through your writing. Whenever I try to write a poem based on feelings from relationships I tend to make it really cliche. You do a good job of avoiding this.

I think the title may be a little too plain for this poem. It's not that it's bad, but I really like the subject matter. One of my favorite things to do for titles it to use an image within my poem. You have various images here you could explore if you wish. I also think there are a few lines where you may want to add commas to constitute a pause: For example, "Through sacrifice of self, your truth I bought". One thing you could play with is trying to use enjambment instead of stopping each line with punctuation. Maybe not with this particular poem, but for ways of playing with poetry in the future.

All around I really like it. I think the part with me in italics gives a healthy amount of emphasis. Again I have to say I love your imagery. I know I'm repeating myself, but when I go back and look at this poem that is what catches me. In my classes I've learned repeatedly to show instead of tell, and you do this very well.

[Michael X]

I feel it's about heartbreak and getting over a relationship, coming out stronger on the other side. a tad complex, the metaphors really bring your words to life.
a real pleasure to read such talent.

[Shelby Baker]

GOD!?! something close to that
this reminds me of a song by Jonny Lang.
I like the writing and it flows nicely and i love the words you picked.
good job
:)

[Doreen]

I agree with Cattie Rain. It's a wonderful poem. I think no matter how clear you are in your vision, people will take their own interpretation anyway. It's just the way poetry is.

[A.Lee]

I dont think it needs to be revised. I can see your interpretation pretty easily and poetry doesn't have to be crystal clear as long as the reader gets something from it and I think most everyone who reviewed it got something from it.

[A.Lee]

I agree with Drock on this poem. That was pretty much my interpretation although it also did have a slight spiritual overtone as well. I think it could be interpreted a lot of different ways though depending on your reader.