Beat

Another love poem.

The heart will throb through all my days,

Its rate heeds not life’s churlish ways.

Rhythm, pulse, and crimson heat;

Course through my veins with every beat.

 

Without request, appeal, or plea

My life sustained shall always be.

And yet there is one pain, one hurt;

Which can the crux and task subvert.

 

The only force which God did make;

With strength enough the heart to break;

Is LOVE, which on its being felt;

The center of a man can melt.

 

Heart and soul and mind combine;

And softened so become entwined.

So, if that love should be withdrawn,

Its white hot flame abruptly gone;

The three will cool, congeal and freeze,

And can be shattered then, with ease.

 

You are the fire that keeps me whole;

Your heat melds reason, core, and soul.

I’m nothing more than flesh on feet;

It’s you that makes my life complete.

 

Until I die, I will be true

My life, my cadence, sings for you.

Reviews

[MJ Durston]

Overall, Brilliant! It was absolutely beautiful - really. In areas it didn't flow so well, but the beauty of it kind of distracts you from grammatical or structural errors.

Something Bad: I thing it's a bit too Idealistic, too impossible. When you're wrting about something real, like love, you don't want to throw in too many images that seem fake, because it takes away from the honesty that comes with true love. Um, Second Stanza, last line - it does rhyme, but it doesn't flow.

Something Good: I absolutely adore the fourth and fifth stanzas, I wish I'd written them. Their so pure and honest and most of all BELIEVABLE.

Keep Writing,
Melissa.

[Rodrick Franklin McLare..]

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1) Living learning squirming..

2) What does these lines, have in common
and just what, seem to be a problem

3) Ah workin it... that be for best. choosing words, mostly flower
bright. Thats all right. Time. To pass the test.

Bro I like you, seem a nice clean cut young man. My usual review is generally quite long. Where I came across you was top reviewer list. I'm going to try a little creative writing 101, and folks'll laugh. Cause I know zip about Educational English. What I do know is poetry, what I've experience in the joy of the written word.

First thing in this piece noted... yep, he is organizing his Stanza. (phrasing) 101 says right on. Cause each stanza should be subjective to topic. It's own, with in the general frame work, it must stay in parameter Note: para/meter like para/phrase same deal. These represent the two essentials you most likely know. Rhythm & Rhyme
It's gotta flow para/meter, like a metronome. If it has two even a rhythm it becomes automaton. To fragmented an say stall because of Rhyme. You lose your reader. The metronome I got from you. An stall like twice. No body here, is a Professor. Were a forgiving lot.
Although, I've just join a week ago an learning this. Most folks here are pretty supportive. Like I started. The first I note was line ending Rhymes. Gets predictable, but seem the logical place to start. I put up a couple examples.
I could take that first line and make three stanza... Ah context X 3 Or, I could start with three lines that end with this three words Ah context and because mostly words ending ing will Rhyme. ok cool part, the three in one line work. (quicken tempo, rushing wave form)
Oh good golly school today blow, all living learning squirming.

See, mapping an, theory. Poetry an any writing. Is work your brain
to death. Your good with polish, I can tell... watch now.
4)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~To have the agonizing deal done, down pat. ( wave rush with a stall [ , ] )
~Your neat, and go to school. (early comma) confusing close spaces sorry.
~A noggin clearly full of gears, go frying (late comma)
~Work, to let go Fears. (early comma) now placement, where's the rhyme.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There example... Ebb & flow. Stupid & Silly, but contain all the above.Yet study, the stagger there. I took like five minuets. To carve up some things I'd already stated. Then add twist & made context work... The stanza.

~~~'My life, my cadence, sings for you.'~~~
Real tough one, cadence. Does not mean metronome. It like the rhyme of the wave, that flow. In fact. What this poetic theorem, is based upon.
It flow in... flow out. Breath in... Breath out...
Lose that, and dull dull dull. How, to arrive...? lots of ways, lets stay with the wave force. # 3 & 4 show a stager, two different rhymes in two lines an placed in different CADENCE ah ok. (Cadence, man The Dance)
A classical Stanza contain generally 4-6 lines. Outside of that and your on your own. Hey, them lines don't need to be all the exact lengths either.
The farther you get from that is where the work goes. An you learn.
In fact, greater depth. Comes from that combination, of ebb & flow.
Buddy, Master Action... the ever lovin goal. People generally look at my stuff read an say. Neat an real different. It's where I aim.
Some pieces. Kill Me!

( Look up Christopher Davenport/great short form cadence, real work )

Thats it. I hope it isn't all stuff you already know. Play with it. 'pop' in say Ro
I try this 'dealy Bob'. What do feel happen hear. God don't ask what I think. You'll get all kinds of crap. Poetry breaths, it alive. It for me is all about the feel. Content. I'll put you bout even... 'Share the Love' Bro Breath share your Air. We all do!

...Ro... Can rub this out when your done no prob.
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[Poeticpiers]

You are a writer not a wannabee. You have the meter and the rhyme which makes for good poetry.

[Poeticpiers]

You are a writer not a wannabe.You understand meter and rhyme. Nobody gets rich writing poetry so keep the day job. I write basically for my own pleasure and refuse to follow the vagaries of fashion.Free form may suit some but its not for me. ivor aka poeticpiers

[Gheeneil]

Whoa, a beautifully written poem. I love the mood of this piece. It's wonderfully crafted. My fave stanza would the 5th one. Thanks for sharing.

[A.Lee]

This is beautiful, Matt! Well done! I absolutely loved the first stanza... That could even stand alone as a short poem. And I loved the fourth stanza... the way you described the intertwining of heart, mind, and soul and the result of loves flame going away... It reminded me of blown glass. The way they meld different colors together and heat it up and its glowing red and warm, but take it out of the flame and it cools and hardens and once its cooled if you drop it it's shattered and you can never make another one exactly like it. This has to be one of my favorites. You did an excellent job on this poem. 100% definitely.

[Michael X]

beautifully done, i think you can do better, this is poetic in nature, just seems like you are having fun with writing. hence the reader enjoys the sense of passion. honestly, i its hard to figure out what you mean, but that'sthe beauty of it. the ending draws the heart in. overall, awsome.

[Jeremy D. Andrews]

Very well done sir. I can see how love can be so overwhelming you are dependent on that person to sustain you. Not a healthy relation of course but definitely shows how wrapped up we can get in one that we lose ourselves in the relation.

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

I really enjoyed this! You took a subject that is slightly cliche, tamed it, and made it your own. I really like the description of "crimson heat". It adds not just a better coloring for blood, but talking about the heat is something most people don't bring up unless blood has flowed onto something. I think it may seem weird to some to capitalize LOVE, but I will defend you on that. The last line is rather haunting, I like that you say that your life "sings". You have a beautiful talent for choosing words.

[Mark]

I am just awestruck! It is so rare here to find a poet who embraces the old forms, to say nothing of the rapidly dying virtues of spelling and punctuation. But to do so, without sacrificing any bit of the soul-wrenching pain and devotion you conjure in these lines, is a true rarity. I have not read you previously, but I feel certain that will be changing!

[KimLott]

A very strong and well written piece. Absolutely wonderful.
I, too, thought of "tweaking" the second stanza a bit...

...until my second read. I wouldn't change it. It's very artistic, although the second read was necessary to really feel it.

A great job. I'm excited to read more of your work.