A potion of sorts, made by Old Warts

I'm not sure about the chapter title, this idea occurred to me this morning and I just went with it, so the story is still in progress. Hope you enjoy it

As she slid her hand down my leg I told myself "Its not real, its not real". The woman with the dirty brown hair was breathing on me and deeply taking in my scent. She scratches her long nails down my leg, tearing at my jeans and scratching my inside leg.

From what I could see the room had no natural light source, she was covered in a long black dress. Her breath was foul and her untamed brown hair was knotted and greasy.

As if that was enough, she got her kicks, she turns and struts to the other side of her cauldron. This time I try to say it aloud, "its not real, f****n' psycho".

"What are you mumbling about" she challenged me from the other side of the room as she started cutting some sort of root . "Try saying it with some conviction" she snapped at me as she broke the pieces over her bubbling pot.

She let out a laugh as deep as the mesmerising green fire, which I couldn't help but stare into. She then began a crackling cackle. There had to be something wrong with her, dressed in those awful clothes and living like this, but then of course... who keeps someone handcuffed in their basement?

Her fire was burning a bright green, but what did this mean? Trickery can be quite simple, they use magnesium and other elements to change the colour of fireworks. Whatever this is I just want to get out of this place, unharmed and back to normality.

The dark, dank room, lit by the green flame, had a stale smell. It was filled with strange pots and pans. The only window, being somewhere behind my head, was somehow covered. I could hear the window shake as the wind rattled the house. 

A huge whiff of smoke erupts from the pot as she chucks in some other ingredient, what looks like a handful of dirt. The scent of the potion fills my mouth, then my lungs and my body in a way that possesses my senses. I taste something bitter as the smell attacks my mouth. It begins to water with my eyes. I cringe at this and feel as if I'm going to fall, but I'm not standing. I can barely move.

She takes her huge wooden spoon and applies it to the pot. As she walks towards me with the foul mixture, steam rising from it, I wonder what effect this could have on me. How I can avoid the yellow substance.

She reaches for my face but I move away, so she grabs me by my hair, digging her claws into my scalp. She tugs my head back and forward, and again before she forces the spoon into my mouth. It barely fits and I accidentally swallow the concoction before I can spit it out.

The strangest feelings venture through my body. First the potion crawls into my stomach, heavy and invasive. It feels like cruelty, occurring inside me, I feel myself fall a thousand miles but with no landing. My stomach twists for a long moment. A tear leaves my right eye and the sensation changes.

My stomach changes, it feels light. The mixture has changed and fills me with the same light feeling. I feel as if I have seen something fascinating and beautiful but I have no idea what it could have been. My body is relaxed and warm but I feel tired.

The woman's voice proudly proclaims from somewhere in the room "You cannot fathom it" and I fall asleep.

Reviews

[Hatter57]

Not bad for a beginning. I definitely want to find out who the person in the chaie is and how he/she got there. So the overall effect is good.
As far as improvements go, I would encourage you to focus on keeping the tense of your writing consistent. I find that in most cases a third person past tense works well for a lot of fiction. In this case, you're going for a first person narrative, which is fine. One of my favorite series, The Dresden Files, uses a first person narrator. However, even there the tense is past - he's telling us what happened to him chronologically, but he is speaking from a time when all the action in the story is in his past. Why not give that a try here? I think the narrative will make more sense. Of course, if the person in the chair doesn't survive the experience, that becomes much more problematic. :)

[POETIC SOUL 2013]

interesting beginning. Great structure.

[Gracie G]

This is such a great start! I love the idea, and I think you could come up with something really cool if you keep with it. Good job.

[Raymond Federle]

Very good! I hope you continue the story! :)

[Sue Hart]

It's a very well written piece. Visual, dramatic, emotions drawn, curiosity pulled from the reader. The storyline was well thought out. Excellent read. Thanks for posting.

[#SecretWriter]

thanks, I hope to keep you with me on this one :)

[Sue Hart]

Keep reading your reviews. You've got me good. Love the story.

[Dan Hiland]

Good start. A nice balance of detail, dialogue, emotion and action. Some of the lines stand out, like the one where the witch asks what the narrator is mumbling about- then suggests he say it with some conviction. Nice, dark humor. You keep things simple, which keeps the reader engaged. This type of dialogue also gives us a window into the witch's personality.

At this early stage, my main suggestion would be to settle on a tense. The narrator jumps from past to present in the first three sentences- then back to the past before settling on the present for the rest of the section. Present tense is what you gravitated toward, probably because it is more immediate- which fits well with the terror of this scene.

This is a good start, but you must keep writing and see where this crazy action takes you next. Composition can be such a rush.

Thanks for sharing this.

[#SecretWriter]

I imagine that's a common but annoying mistake, but thanks for the great review. I suppose even a witch has a sense of humour but these characters don't get too much depth usually. Gonna have to looka bit closely at the tense or I might start making random contradictions, thanks

[Dan Hiland]

I find that like adverbs, once you become aware of tenses, it becomes natural to stay consistent. There are times, though, when a tense shift works well.

[Justine]

I like this. It's a powerful first chapter that gives little away and leaves me wondering what will happen next. I don't see anything wrong with the title except that it's perhaps a bit long. How about "Strange Potions and Old Warts"? I usually imagine the stereotypical witch has jet black hair and dark brown eyes, so I was surprised at the "dirty brown hair" but it works ok. It's a good write so far, well done. JJ

[#SecretWriter]

thanks for another great review :)