Insecticide

This was an assignment for my class oh so MANY years ago. It is absolute nonsense; treat as such and you will enjoy it.

 

Insecticide
      SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH under metatarsus. A beetle, crawling on a leaf. CLAPCRUNCH.  Roly-poly, slug, earwig, worm underneath a rotten log.  Pick it up and DROPTHUD.  Thud covers up the sound of the genocidal carnage underneath.  Ants, ants, ants, kill as many as you can: Take can of Berkebile 2+2 Gum Cutter. Insert red extension into nozzle.  Hold approximately one foot from face, another foot from swarming, writhing mass of red, brown, black and other assorted colored ants consuming one of the following: beetle,  piece of bread crust, corpse of a frog, human toe, excrement from Mrs. M_____'s poodle (hell, why not the poodle himself,) slug, snail, residue from a broken bottle of Jim Beam  (how the worker ants transport the sugar rich contents from the residue of alcohol doesn't matter; if it seems incongruous that they do, disregard, substitute:) banana peel, et cetera (choose any piece of fetid whatnot which ants would consume to fit your aesthetic taste.) After the aforementioned, hold a lighter (Zippo works best,) approximately three inches from the end of the extension, ignite lighter.  Depress can nozzle and WHOOSH!  Watch the ants burn, pop, fizzle, scatter, run, scorch, sunbathe, shout stock market quotes, or whatever it is your diseased, fragmented, abused, neglected, ambivalent, infected, omni-problematic mind imagines ants doing when set aflame.  Leave.

      Airborne fun!  Armed with your flame thrower, go after those big, fat mosquitoes which have you itching like you had crabs. Also: dragonflies, mayflies, horseflies (greenheads,) cloud of gnats, locust,* grasshopper,* cricket,*  tick,*wolf spider, neighbor's cat, poodle, child, elderly person walking down the street.  Set the whole neighborhood on FIRE!

      After you were arraigned and found psychologically unfit to stand trial, go home and watch nature specials on the Discovery Channel.  Oh, what's this?  A special on household pests?  You can't use a blowtorch in the house, substitute one of the following:

shoe, shoehorn, pen or pencil**, lighter on low flame, a particularly rancid-smelling sock, bathroom plunger, can of Raid, or whatever other short-range weapons at your disposal which will not cause you or your loved ones any bodily injury (except, of course, the sock.) and go hunting for: silverfish, house spider, housefly, little brother (or sister,) termites (use drill on wall section where you think they may be) cockroach, moth, and get to work.        After you feel you have successfully annihilated any pests, have a snack: peanut butter and jelly, a biscuit, piece of toast topped with creamy whipped buttermilk spread or marmalade, a bologna sandwich, remains of any small animals or children which you maimed and gracefully put out of misery during your rampage, a bowl of wheaties topped with one of the following: one tablespoon of sugar, thinly sliced banana, thickly sliced strawberry (inverse if preferred, or how about both either way?,) or whole blueberry, a nice fresh garden salad with Ranch, Creamy Italian, French, or Bleu Cheese*** dressing and croutons,  PopTarts, Doritos, et cetera.  After you have chosen a light, palatable menu, fill a glass with ice (if preferred) and pour your favorite beverage (choose from the following:) milk, orange, pineapple, orange pineapple, orange pineapple banana, orange pineapple strawberry, orange pineapple strawberry banana, orange strawberry banana, orange strawberry, or orange banana juice, any commercial diet soda, chocolate milk (Yoo-Hoo, Hershey's {make it yourself or buy it at WaWa, Acme, SuperFresh, ShopRite, 7-11 or Wal-Mart already mixed} Ovaltine or Quick,) sit down and enjoy a good show on your (Mitsubishi, Toshiba, Magnavox, or Zenith) TV.  And if any one asks about your erratic behavior, just tell them: 'If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here, while these visions did appear,' slap them--gently now--and tell them to wake you up when the parade starts.
*Pop.
**Flick.
***Fat-Free!