side eye

It’s a normal wednesday

I’m walking down the sidewalk 

My brain ticks and files through thoughts loudly and relentlessly 

Did i remember to water my plants

Will the Brazilian man with the Panteen golden locks text me before lunch

Why am i the only one with open toed shoes on a hot day in September

What a friendly orange crochet sweater this abuelita has on that matches her shoes

I should take some crocheting classes 

Did i take my birth control 

Where’s my bike card

Where’s my metro card

F**k. left on my bed. 

Can a 15 minute ride turn into a 45 min walk if i have 30 minutes

Yes 

Always yes

Why are these men in this parked car staring at me 

Why are they now smiling with half their crooked mouths unturned

The tik-tok in my head quiets and my walk becomes stealthish from instinct without my mind agreeing 

The two boyish men peek their heads out of the windows they hide behind and something like the sound of a squirrlish “meow” crawls from their lips

And my lips. My red lips. My painted face. My black skirt tugging against my hips. My awful nail color. The sweat gathering at the crevices of my thigh and neck. The lost weight in my bag where my wallet should be. 

I can suddenly feel it all 

Louder than any thoughts or to do list or bill left unpaid 

The pigment on my lips has a surface as I scrunch them down together and turn my head to make eye contact with the four eyes that have so rudely interrupted my daily stream of consciousness and pleasant midday walk 

I pass the car as my sandals step in something like blue tact or bubble gum 

Which makes me more frustrated than the fact i am the only one wearing these types of shoes in the first place on a HOT day 

But i remember i am in control 

So Why, seconds later, does the synchronized sound that crawls again from both mouths behind my head Ignite in me a rage as sticky and complex as this gum gathering dirt under my sole 

Why do i feel a tangible anger towards these idiotic strangers with faces like clowns in a glass jail 

And the countless others i cannot count who whisper through jagged mouths at just the right moment 

Sliding their wet teeth apart to compliment their definition of beauty with a

Whistle  

Shout

Scream

“Guapa!!!”

“Dios mio”

“Mamacita” 

“Meow”

My favorite, though, still stands to be the side eye

See it’s different in its affect

More sensitive in its motives and slyer in its aim 

Could be executed by any given man on this planet and any given time 

Does not take confidence

Does not take precision 

It is the simple second between the whites of two eyes which make contact in a milisecond of a passing moment 

And just like the sounds, you can feel it coming on 

So u say i wont look i wont look i wont look 

I wont walk faster 

But its far too tempting and u give in 

And somehow the discreetness is worse 

And all these moments build and build 

When suddenly a normal wednesday turns into a crowded everyday dodging of the whites of a whole lot of men’s eyes 

Walking down sidewalks and sitting in parked cars 

You're in a cage and they are entering for free into the zoo 

Reviews

[MorganPark]

This makes so much sense to me. It is a shame. None of us should have to go through this.
Thank you for sharing.