Life Doesn't Always Turn Out The Way We Want

My account of the morning I awoke to find my oldest son had died.

The paramedics packed up their equipment with their heads bowed and quietly left the room to wait in the living room.  "One, two, three, four, five."   I count out loud.  Brian, my husband begins to squeeze the oxygen bag.  The heart monitor showed life.  "Come on, please….one, two, three four, five." I search frantically for his favorite quilt; there it was draped over the chair in the corner of the room.  I grabbed it, climbed on top of the motionless rotating bed and press my body against his.  He was so cold and stiff.  I wrap us tighter together to generate heat. 

Tearing streaming down his face, my husband, Brian gently grabs my shoulders, "It's too late." He whispers.

"You're wrong I seen the heart monitor.  He can't be dead.  Oh my God, he can't be!" I screamed out in grief.  My four-old daughter was out in the living room crying and my seven-month old son began to cry at my distress.  But I didn't care, my eldest son, Clint was dead and all because I didn't sleep in his room the previous night.  I was selfish, instead of sleeping on the floor by his bed as I had done for months since we brought him home from Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City, Utah, I decided to sleep in my own bed, in my own room across the hall.  Brian pried my arms away from Clint's cold body to allow the coroner to take him from me.   There was movement in the doorway, "Get out of here, you vulture!" I screamed at him.  "He's just cold.  You are all wrong!  He's not dead!" 

Days later I found myself seated with my two children and husband staring at a soft blue casket which held my Clint.  I was numb and that night the nightmares began.  I awoke from one, jumped out of bed, dressed, went to the shed, grabbed a shovel and headed towards the cemetery.  It was a huge mistake, Clint was alive and we buried him.  I heard him calling out to me, "Please don't leave me, mommy."

My husband and sister decided to call the doctor and I was put on sedatives since the nightmares wouldn't stop and I lost all interest in my two surviving children.

August 13th (a week later) an angel entered my life, her name is Karen Lopez.  I was twenty-two and offered me a job on her dairy caring for the calves.  I had never done anything like that before since I had become a mother at the age of sixteen, but I loved animals and this dark abyss I had become accustomed to had taken its toll, not just on me, on my two young children.

Reviews

[~crazy Beautiful~]

wow so many emotions are running through me right now, so sad to lose anyone you love especially a child, i can only imagine the nightmares
expressing your thoughts in words such as these are the most challenging types of writing, from the soul
hope time is easier on you

[D. L. Hutson]

I usually don't like reading stories on here. I love poetry. But your title grabbed me and I thought I would try it. Very, Very sad. It was a heart grabber. I can't imagine losing a child, I know I would have lost my mind also. So sorry you had to go through that. But I'm glad to see your on your way to recovery.

[Wolfwind Words]

So true that life doesn't turn out the way we want all the time.
Loosing a loved one is the hardest emotion that i believe can be felt by anyone.
My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for sharing this moment it time.
And giving us hope as your angel had given you a path to recovery.
Kudos! this must have taken a great amount of courage to put to paper.