final thoughts

Final thoughts

I came into existence on a cold, blistery December day.  That seems ironic, considering that that is going to be the same way I go out of existence.

Everybody told me that I have a bright future, they told me that I am smart, kind, pretty, and talented.  They told me they wish they could be me, they told me that they hoped their children would be as smart as I am.   But I wasn’t very smart to go driving in the middle of a blizzard, at 11 o'clock at night, in the middle of nowhere.

I was driving home from my part time job at the hospital, I work in the children and infant ward,  it's a “very honored job for an 18 year old,” my mother told me when I was accepted, but then again, it’s not much of a surprise, I had already gotten accepted to Harvard, where I would study in the medical field, my dream job is to become a full time doctor in the children’s and infants ward, something I have wanted to do my whole life.

Kendall, my overseer, had warned me that the roads back to my house would be bad, she warned me that it would be hard so see, and it would be very icy, she advised me to be extra cautious and drive slow, “Of course,” she had told me, “that should be no problem for you, I have never met someone to be so responsible and so careful, it is truly a gift to me and the children that you are working in this ward,”  boy was she wrong.  

I can imagine Kendall saying “ I told you so,” like she has millions of times before, except nobody knows I am out here, my parents and 14 year-old sister are probably long asleep by now, and my 19 year old brother, Lexton, is probably out partying some place.  And here I am, lying in the snow stained red around me, my car, a mangled mess,  freezing, and unable to move as the heavily falling snow threatens to bury me alive.

My leg is twisted in a way that is even unnatural for a contortionist, and my head has a huge gash that won’t stop spilling blood onto my face.

“Maurice, you are perfect, everything I have ever wanted in a child,” my mother had told me just weeks before, when Harvard had accepted me.  I think of her now, how hysterical she will be when she finds out that I had died, alone, on the side of the road, she probably will never let Amelia drive.  My poor mother, I was her pride,  her joy.  Lexton, she told me, was a lost cause, he had dropped out of highschool at the age of 16, and had started drinking, and doing drugs, he went to parties almost every night and wouldn’t get home sometimes until 4 in the morning.  And Amelia, “too busy with all of her sports to do anything academic,” I was told.  

My parents would constantly brag about me, “Maurice works at the hospital,” “Maurice is going to Harvard,”  “Maurice won the perfect attendance award,”  on and on and on.

Well, it seems I finally will have let my parents down.

I couldn't find my phone, and even if I could, I wouldn’t be able to move to go get it, I tried screaming for help, but nobody is going to here my on these country roads.  Even if I don’t bleed out, I will freeze to death before somebody finds me, all they will find is my corpse.

I have lost feeling to all parts of my body, even my leg.  A feeling of warmth settles over me.  Hypothermia.  All I can think about is Kendall and her warnings, my family, and how shocked they will be when they hear I am dead, I think about my boyfriend, Eric, we had been going steady for almost a year now.  I think about my best friend, Arianna, I think about who will be at my funeral, what the eulogy will say, what my mother will say.

My grandmother called me an angel of God, wherever I go, I bring light, and happiness, she told me.  Eric had told me that I am like the sun, always shining, even through the clouds.  My mother told me I am perfect, my father told me I was beautiful, Amelia told me that I looked like a model, Ariana told me that I am the definition of a best friend, Lexton told me that I am his anchor.

All people that depend on me, that I will be leaving.  That is why I try to fight through the tiredness, the temptation to just close my eyes, because even though I know I am going to die, I want to stay alive as long as possible.

My vision blurs, my eyes grow heavy, my thoughts turn muddled, I forget where I am, what am I doing, who am I?

Maurice, the girl who didn’t listen to Kendall, and ended up getting herself killed.

I look up at the moon, and say a silent prayer for my family and friends,

“Goodbye, I love you,” I whisper to no one and everyone, as I close my eyes and slowly drift into sleep.