Chapter 1

  

"It was just a dream. It was just a dream." I whispered, rolling my body into a ball. The words did nothing to diminish the fear. Rocking myself, I let the tears intermingle with the sweat that dribbled down my face. The gust of cold wind from the window proved insignificant against my scorching skin. The fear heightened the more I thought about it. It felt so real. The dream was so demented. My head wasn't that dark, it would have never been able to concoct such a twisted nightmare. Someone had tried to kill me. When I say I tried, I mean they should have succeeded. I was stabbed completely through the stomach, crashing through my spine. I felt the searing pain as the dagger sliced through all my vital organs. I saw my liquid life force draining from my body, but that wasn't all I saw. My skin begin to close around the weapon that had pierced my body. I felt the dagger being pushed out, but unlike the quick impalement, the removal was excruciatingly slow. My body was rejecting the foreign object, repairing the damage it had caused. As the dagger fell to the ground, the wound completely healed, leaving behind only a scar. I shook my head, try to clear away the dream, and bring back reason. I told myself that was the dream world and this was reality, but doubt kept creeping in. I had to check. If my stomach had that scar, I- No! It wasn't possible, and playing with such silly ideas would be a waste of time. At that time I guess my brain was trying to protect me from the horrors ahead because my body wouldn't move. I was frozen, unable to lift my shirt. I wish I had realized that, but I was stupid. I had to stop the internal battle of reality and fantasy. I had to know. I lifted my night shirt slowly, feeling the caress of the smooth silk against my inflamed skin. My hands shook wildly dropping the shirt back down to my lap. I sat there a minute, trying to calm my nerves. The usual strong scent of lilac that would permeate from my window into the room with its calming, light scent meant to promote relaxation was now completely tarnished by the thick, suffocating aroma of sweat. It rolled of my body in buckets, but I couldn't let it get to me. It was time.

 

I took a couple deep breathes, and shakily reached down. I fisted the shirt in my hands to keep it from dropping this time, although the slickness of my palms wanted the silk material to slip right through my hands and back into its rightful place. I held tight to the quickly soaking fabric. I wasn't sure why I was doing this, I just felt I had to, and I couldn't stop now. Winning back control of my arm, I took the shirt off to prevent another slip. Before looking down, I felt across the smooth skin of my stomach, searching for the feel of anything that didn't belong. When I found nothing, I let out a sigh of relief, letting myself relax. I looked down, ready to laugh at my foolishness. It was just a nightmare, horrifying, but still not real. I've never had a scar there, and I wouldn't have one now just because of a dream. Looking at the spot that the scar was suppose to be located, and laughed. Next, the tears came, rolling down my cheeks at an incredible pace.

Finally, I came to my senses, and did what any sensible person would have done after all of this. I screamed. A new addition had been added to my body, a scar. Then I passed out.

 

It was dark here, wherever here was. Where was I? The thought was swept away when suddenly I felt something watching me, stalking me as if I were its prey. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on ends, and I felt a cold chill. Scared and alone in a dark forest, never a good sign. Though, I wasn't really alone, was I. No, someone was here with me, hiding, waiting. A rustle of leaves behind me caught my attention. My body whipped around to see what it was, though my brain already knew and was screaming at me to run. As my body was beginning to follow my brains orders, someone dropped from a tree and grabbed me. I tried to scream, but the sound was cut off when a person put a big, rough hand over my mouth. the hand was soon replaced with a rag over my mouth and nose. The smell was sweet, soothing. I started to sway. I was so sleepy, but I had to do something. What did need to do? Oh! I remember I needed to get away, quickly. Then i blacked out.

I woke up in a strange room. I opened my eyes, blinking several times, and observed my surroundings. I had been kidnapped. How? I guess I looked like I would be easy to take. I looked like a fragile, little girl. At sixteen, I was five foot two. I had long, brown hair, and had really brown eyes, almost black. I had a small figure. I looked about ten. I wouldn't stay that girl for long though. I couldn't take down a grown man, but I could run like you couldn’t believe. One way or another I was getting out of here. While I was still trying to figure out where this new attitude came from, my eyes began searching for any way out, but then a man stepped into the room.

“Hello Lilly, nice to finally meet you.” The man said. How did he know my name? Where was I? I had alot of questions, but something in me wasnt about to let me ask. “It’s alright. I won’t hurt you.” He said. I snorted. He didn’t hear me, or if he did, he ignored it. “We just want to ask you a few questions.” I tried to sit up, only to realize I was strapped down to the bed.

“Then why am I stuck to this bed?” I asked, sarcasm dripping from my voice. I was unable to control myself. I didn't understand my new behavior.

“Just to insure your cooperation.” He answered, ignoring the disrespectful tone in mu voice. My cooperation for what? Yet another question I wasn’t able to ask. I just stared at him. He patted my leg in what I guess was meant to be comfort. When he did that,I nearly squealed in pain as I felt something pinch my leg. I gritted my teeth in pain, trying to remember what was in my pocket, my bobby pin! If I could just get it out of my pocket, I could unlock the restraints, and I’d be free. While I was thinking of how I was going to pull that off, I didn’t notice a small woman walk in. The small woman, however, came in carrying a giant needle. That got my attention. I started freaking out. They are going to drug me to get answers. Maybe they were lying and were going to poison me. Then I’d be dead. Now, I was panicking, sounding ridicuious. I began squirming, trying to break free. The strange man notice and ordered the woman out quickly. He seemed to want to make this easier on me. I stopped for his sake, but continued to try and get the bobby pin out. I struggled to get my hand deep enough into my sweat pants to grab it. Finally I got it, now all I had to get it to the wristbands without the guy seeing. It was impossible.

“I’m sorry about that. This is a hospital.” He explained. He seemed to be trying to make me feel better, as if he felt sorry for me, so I decided to put on the innocent, little girl look, what could it hurt.

“I wanna go home, please. Please! I miss my daddy!” I batted my eyelashes, preparing to cry. That last part apparently was a mistake. He rolled his eyes at me.

“You’re here because of your ‘daddy’” He said mockingly, batting his eyelashes kind of like I did, but failing terribly. “We need his help, but he won’t help us willingly, and we can’t find him.” He fake pouted. “You’re going to help us find him.”

Well there goes that nice guy theory. Wait! Dad? Why him? What did he do? He’s just an ordinary man, right? My dad has never done anything risky in his life. He’s the most caution guy I’ve ever known. He couldn’t know these scary people. Why do the want dad?

“I’m not helping you with anything!” I screamed. The next second he was at my throat with a knife. How did he get there so fast?

 

Yes Lilly, you have a knife to your throat and the most important thing in this situation is how he got to you so fast. Wake up!! He has a knife at your throat, he is going to kill you. Think about saving your skin first, ask questions later.

“Yes, I do believe you will. Well, of course, that is unless you want to die.” He slid the knife across my throat, applying just a little pressure, not enough to do any damage, but that wouldn't have mattered anyways. The cut healed, instantly, before any blood could seep out. The nightmare was real. The man froze, staring in shock at my throat. I guess, just as an experiment, he cut me again, deeper this time. It hurt only for a second, then quickly healed again. Next time he sliced, however, he cut all the way to the bone. The pain was excruciating. My neck was gushing blood. Along with the pain, I felt an unbearable itch on my throat, but couldn't scratch it. The man got up and ran out of the room, making sure to shut the door behind him.I completely ignored him as I searched for something to see myself in. As the door swung shut, the bang knocked down a hand-held mirror. I was forced to bite back yet another scream because of what I saw. My skin was putting itself back together. My neck was stitching itself. It was almost completely healed by the time I was able to pull my eyes away. I looked down searching the bed, realizing I had dropped the booby pin, when being attacked. It wasn’t there. I had dropped the only thing I had to get me free.

 

Just wonderful Lilly! You lose the only thing that could save you! Brilliant!

 

Just then, the woman I had saw earlier, came in carrying a tray. Upon the tray true horror lied, disection tools. She set the tray on a table beside me and smiled, not like a smile that said you're going to be ok. She smiled a smile that said I was going pain very soon, and she was going to enjoy every bit of it.

“It’s Okay, sweetie! We are the good guys. We want to help you. It seems you’re very different. Don’t worry! You’ll be in a better place soon.” The nurse-lady-person said, with a twisted smile. Her eyes danced with laughter, while she hovered over me.

“Better place?” I gulped.

“Yes, we are going to take good care of you.” She sent me a savage smile. She was trying to scare me, I could see it. She recieved her enjoyment while reveling in others torment. Then a new man walked in with scrubs on.

“Stacey? Would you step out? I need to talk to the patient alone for a little while. Thank you.” Stacey pouted, but did as she was told and left. “ Hello Lilly. I’m Dr. Hunt. You can call me Sam. I have a few questions I need to ask. Please cooperate, I don’t want to have to resort to using force. I don’t like to be mean.” He said with a fake smile. I snorted. “I understand if you don’t trust me, considering the circumstances, but you don’t have to be rude.

“Considering the circumstance? Oh, do you mean kidnapping me, threatening me, trying to kill me, and then preparing to disect me? Don’t worry about it. This happens all the time.” I answered sarcasticly.

“We can not kill you. You’re almost impossible to kill. We haven’t found any weakness yet.” The doctor said curiously, not catching onto the obvious disrespect I was displaying.

“Oh! Really? That makes me feel so much better.” I said, giving him a thumbs up. He grunted, then mumbled something that sounded alot like teenagers. Instead of leaving like I hoped when he stood, he went and took a seat across the room from me.

“Okay Lilly, you’re not a child, so I’m going to tell you this straight. You may not be able to die, but you can still feel pain. I don’t want to hurt you, but i will. So, I’d suggest you start being an obedient, little girl.” He didn’t even try to disguise the menace in his voice this time.

“I’m not a little girl!!” I growled. I don’t know how, but I broke out of my metal restrictions. The doctor’s eyes bulged out in fear. He didn't seem to want to be around me anymore because the next thing he did is he ran to the door, out it, shut it, and locked from the outside. Then I got a real ego boost, an emergency evacatuation alarm sounded. I could hear people running around outside the door, and a few people screaming on the floor below me. While I was enjoying the moment, I still needed to get out, but I wasn’t about to go running through the door, where there could be dozens of nurses and doctors armed with tranquilizer guns. I needed a different way out. My head automatically snapped towards the window. Thoughts like, how high I was up and could I survive, passed through my head. There was only one way to find out. I ran to the window and looked down. Well that answered those questions, extremely high up, and I would probably die jumping out of that window of doom. However, it was my only chance.

“You might not want to do that.” My heart jumped in fear. I didn't hear anyone come in. I took a deep breath, and I spun around. I wish I would have stayed as I was. When I turned around, I saw something that confused me. I saw someone who looked almost identical to my dad. “Yes. I’m your dad’s twin.”

OH MY GOSH! “Do you work here?” I squeaked, my curiousity getting the better of me.

“Yes, I do,” he answered back. Well that made my decision. They always said curosity killed the cat. I silently prayed that didn't apply to human, then opened the window and jumped.

Author's Note

just edited it

Reviews

[Januel]

I know your young. But I'll have to be critical for anything to really help you. There's a few mistakes your making. First, and this is exactly what distinguishes someone who can write a book and someone who can't, there is absolutely no detail in here. Every sentence you have written should be about a paragraph. You need to describe everything, otherwise a reader will never be able to guess what it feels like to be in that position, if I were you, even just to practice, I would go through this first chapter and literally make every sentence into a paragraph. Not only will it help the story overall but it will fix the the second problem too, which is, that this is definitely not the length of a chapter, it's about 2-3 pages of an average sized book.
3. My guess, and I used to do this when I was your age too, is that your basing this character on you, a little bit too much. She probably acts and looks just like you do, or you want to. Change that. Give her something wrong in her appearance, making a broken nose, or too small lips. Do the same for her personality, you could make her too sensitive, or too passionate. Or even the opposite of one of those, perhaps she's aloof or cold.
4. And honestly, this might not be able to be fixed until your older. But every one of your characters sounds like its talking through a teenagers mouth. Also you use a lot of cliches in their speaking, change it up.

If you decide to do the exercise I suggested I would be happy to read it over for you.

[trainwreck]

Pretty awesome opening chapter! I absolutely loved the way she reacts to having a super power. It was very, very realistic and I enjoyed reading this.

[Courtney]

I find all of the things the reader doesn't quite know about intriguing. However you do have one thing you could work on.
You should be more descriptive, such as giving the reader a better sense of what the room Lilly's in looks like and those she sees, but to a point. But I love the story line, I look forward to reading more of this book. :)

[Timeless-Chan]

intreging beginning of the book. lots of gaps in the story because it jumps from thing to thing and there are a few errrors but it seems like you have a pretty solid character and hopefully you know where you are going to take her. there are some spots that are a little ify that could use just one or two more little details to make it better. for me it helps if i read it out loud to myself or others so that i can really let it all sink in. as a writer you don't always notice whats wrong with your work because its all in your mind and it sounds great but if you read it out loud you will be able to tell if somethings not right. you're doing great so far tho so keep it up!

[Tomislav Petricevic]

This is really good. Interesting, intense and well written! I've noticed a few grammar mistakes, but nothing big.
Good job.

[Abbie]

great first chapter! I think that this book can go somewhere great. keep writing! :D

[B_Scott_Carmaham]

The writing was a little too colloquial, or not colloquial enough, in my opinion. Now, don't let that get you down, I would say the same thing about 50 Shades of Grey and an army of women between the ages of 13~75 would tell me otherwise. However, you are looking for review so I would like to expound.

I will retract my original statement that it is too colloquial, because an informal style seems to be what you're going for. What I would do, then, is increase the breadth of thought expressed. A first chapter needs to, in books like yours, move very quickly, however they still need to be establishing. In this story, we moved from a nightmare, a mysterious scar, to a hospital, and all in that there were allusions to something with the girl's father, a bizarre dream requiring explanation, and a mysterious power. All of these are entertaining elements, but there could be a little bit more time to breathe between some of these events. I assume the reason why there isn't is that you are going for a situation that builds tension, excitement, confusion, and makes someone want to read more. Keep up with that ideal in the first chapter if you decide to revise, but what I would recommend that you keep in mind (all from y humble and inexperienced opinion), is to not bewilder or overwhelm the reader. Changing setting so quickly and having events take place with little description accompanying the changes of environment make it difficult for the reader to follow. They can follow what your saying, but they can't follow you there because there is not enough information for them to put themselves in the room with your protagonist. No doubt these images are vivid in your mind, maybe you'll want to put some on paper that weren't there before. If you're staying completely in a first-person voice, think about what your protagonist sees, thinks, and focuses on. In adrenaline filled moments, our mind is able to grasp a situation rather quickly. Maybe you could intimate this by giving her mind a rush of information as she evaluates her situation.

Also, between sections you may want more personal thought more pause. Having this many revelations in the beginning may be too much for some readers and may be able to be spread out into multiple chapters or just a chapter three times--or more--it's length. Just suggestions.

Your story isn't in my same genre, but I am aware of the genre you're writing in. You're narrative voice seems very close to the development of many who are very successful in such books, and of course you can find harlequin books from people who don't even write half as well as you do, so don't let any of my criticism get you down, they're just suggestions. Ultimately, keep doing what you love and try your best to get people to love your work as much as you do by giving them all the imagination that's in your head, hold none of it back.

It's great that you've already written eight chapters of a book, exceptional accomplishment on its own. I am not suggesting that you scrap a word on it, just maybe fill it in a little bit. Don't let anyone get you down and always keep your accomplishments in mind. Its harder, in my opinion, to keep writing, than to just write well. As long as you have that ability to keep writing, and having written eight chapters makes it seem like you do, then there's no doubt that you can write well.

[Mazie Tackett]

The jumping around and confusion will make sense in the next chapter. The next chapter will fill in the blanks that this chapter made you'll just have to wait because I can't type that fast

[B_Scott_Carmaham]

Okay. I hope I didn't sound too harsh. I admit that it's tough to get much of a grasp from anything from just the first chapter. That's why anyone on this site is going on a very honest and hopeful limb to put their stuff up, and I commend you.

[Mazie Tackett]

Thx I think I'm only thirteen so I try my best on writing I do what I love. I've been writing stories since I was 8 and poems since as long as I can remember

[B_Scott_Carmaham]

Well, for only being thirteen, awesome job. I am 23 and still working on it.

[Laura Maidah]

Vernal gestures in places that don't match the sophistication of your diction in other spot. Example: "There was no way I could get down there without getting hurt." First, verb tense inconsistency. Very out of character, which halted suspension of disbelief for me. Second, it's very verbal discourse-y. For a young writer, this is excellent. I'm critting you like you're my age, btw. Sorry i sound harsh. I really enjoyed myself on this one.

[Sujash I. Purna]

Takes you in easily! Nice beginning! Keep it up!

[None]

The internal voice of your character is really clean and believable. I like the dialogue too. You do an amazing job taking us "with" you thorough what is happening throughout this scene. We experience it all as the character does. Great work. I will be looking forward to reading the later chapters. :)