Keeping Secrets

This is a short story exercise I found. The idea is to create a dramatic scene where both characters have a secret that they have to keep from each other and the reader. Did I succeed?

I am running. The wind is crisp and my lungs are starting to burn. I hear the footsteps behind me. He’s catching up. I am running from the man of my dreams. I have to protect him. I have to protect myself.

 

                       **********

 

            She’s running from me. I want to catch her. I want to fix everything. There’s so much I have to tell her. There’s so much that I can’t. I’ll catch her and grab her. I’ll confess everything-Everything but that.

 

                -------------------------

 

            I called him that morning. I heard the phone ring in the distance while I let my mind wander to the last time I saw him. I kissed him for the last time four months ago as he boarded the plane to England. I could still hear the roar of the engine and the small breaths I was taking to keep myself from crying. I was nervous for him to see me again. I heard him pick up the phone. My mind snapped back to reality when he said, “Hello”.

 

                       **********

 

            Her name popped up on my phone. It had been so long since we had kissed. I wanted to see her. I needed to see her. Even the thought of her drove me crazy. I walked across the small, rented apartment and picked up the phone. Her voice reminded me of why I was doing all of this. I felt a twinge of guilt when she asked me to meet her for coffee. The feeling was quickly overridden with joy. I showered and dressed. I couldn’t get to her fast enough.

 

                       **********

 

            I saw him round the corner and I lost all control. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around him. I remembered that our bodies fit together perfectly. As I nuzzled myself into his neck, I breathed slowly in order to take in his smell and cherish the moment. After we pulled away, I led us to the table. Our eyes locked as we sat across from each other. The green irises that looked so kindly at me almost made me reveal everything. These secrets were getting out of control. I reached for his hand and squeezed it.

 

                       **********

 

            As she squeezed my hand, I lost it. I opened my mouth to tell her all of the secrets. I closed it again as she cocked her head and looked quizzically at me. I remembered why I was keeping these secrets-to protect what we had. We worked so perfectly. She needs to be protected. She’s perfect. I lowered my eyes to our hands that were resting on the table. As I lifted them again I saw that she was crying.

 

                       **********

            He looked at me. He sees right through me. I saw how confused he looked. I know he saw everything. These secrets were destroying us. I have to save him. I had to get away. Tears were falling down my face. I needed to get away. I had to do it. I love him too much to reveal what is now the biggest part of my life. I stood up, kissed him one last time, and ran.

Author's Note

Please read the description and give me your advice. The * represent changes from the female to male's point-of-view. The - represents a change in time.

Reviews

[ValyrieKiennan]

Interesting, however I would make the case that too little is revealed in each snippet of prose. I understand the purpose of the assignment (the secret aspect) however, you can add more backstory and description in each back and forth in order to keep your reader interested in the characters in particular. Make us love the characters, hate them, empathize for them, whatever you want. But in order for a story to be successful, there needs to be something compelling the reader to finish the piece, and contemplate it in a meaningful way! This is how your work will become memorable, something to be shared!

Keep writing, cheers!

VK