The all consuming enemy that is my mind

Depression. My own battle with myself.

Something I have learnt about having depression is that no matter how many times you think you are fine, life happens, and you are back in step one.

 

Now, here is the thing. The step one that you reach when you are screaming to a world that cannot hear you, writing words no-one will understand, hearing a cyclical passage of thoughts that threaten to become your life and destroy you.

 

It’s an awful cliché isn’t it? That our minds can destroy us like this?

 

People seem to think that my relapse was the worst thing to happen. What people don’t understand is that, the relapse was my final surrender to my mind. My mind that killed me everyday. The fears had been sliding in, cool and collected. I had pushed them, tried to battle them, through Zoloft and concerta. Sadly, I couldn’t stop them.

 

The end of school is supposed to be a wonderful new chapter. In reality, I have never felt so alone and so unsure of myself. Whilst I claimed to hate school-which I did, alone, as an outsider, in a close-knit community-I enjoyed the support it gave me. Sure, I messed up on relationships, but there was always a freedom and people knew who I was.

 

I was wanted.

 

I no longer feel that way.

 

I am going into a world filled with strangers who only care about the results from my final exams. I am trying to fight through this lull of emptiness and fulfillment. I am trying to tell myself that I am stronger than I think I am. Why won’t I believe it myself?

 

Those trying to help me, please realize that I am strong. I have been through more than you think. And whilst I hate myself a lot at the moment, I know that I am a witty, sharp, beautiful, caring person.

 

Anybody who cannot see that, including myself, has lost somebody special.

 

Author's Note

Ignore grammar for now.
Side note: By writing this, I feel better. Sorry for the lack of coherence.
Mine is not really a typical story. It is my story. to save myself.