My In Laws - Anya Tanik

Short story of a wife spending time with her in laws, addressing their flaws and short comings without paying much attention to her own.

Everyone we know is in our home.  Another get together and I will have to clean up after them once more.  Why can't I just have fun? Why can't I like them? 

 

Uncle Bartholomeus, the family drunk, once again commenting on the fugal nature of the entire Jewish race.  These words from the man who haggles with the cashiers at the supermarket checkout. Annette measuring her IQ against the rest of us,  the University dropout who got knocked up by a man who has yet to look her in the eyes. Carla declaring her love for all things Britney Spears. This was your typical by the book cougar, dressed in her skin tight jeans, bleached blond hair, bleached teeth, bleached skin, bleached brain cells, middle aged unhappily married woman who got in a fight with maturity and had her a*s kicked by it. 

 

With the starting lineup assembled in my living room, the rest of the team was not far from the nonsense that I had to endure each family get together.  The worst part of it all is that I willingly married into this circus act.

 

My husband William, was nowhere to be found, I figured that he'd be outside, as he despised the team of self loading trolls even more than I did. After looking for what seemed to be hours I decided to be kind to myself and ditch Uncle A*s Wipe and his entourage.  I did not even excuse myself in hopes that they would all know that I, the host of this slaughter house jamboree was walking out on them.  As I journeyed upstairs, there at the top of the staircase, my husband. I was not even mad, I understood completely.

"Why did you leave me on my own?" I asked in a whisper.

He responded mimicking my whisper, "I had ever intention of telling you, but I did not know how to go back downstairs."

I could only respond sarcastically to that with, "One step at a time."

William instantly pulled serious into our silent conversation. "Upstairs in the bathroom, my brother is dead on the floor."

I instantly smiled as my husband is the king of dark humor.

 

After going back and forth with "You're joking." "You're lying," "No, really!" "Seriously!" It was clear that he was not letting up and there could be some truth floating out his mouth. I needed to see, I stepped over him and walked towards the bathroom as he followed behind me. There on the floor was Patrick M Tanik. In that moment all I could think of was, the fact that I will never know what the damn M stood for.  Both of William's parents died before I met him. Patrick was the older brother and William never knew what Patrick's middle initial was and Patrick was so ashamed of it that he literally took it to his grave.

 

I opened my mouth and words came out, "CPR?"

William responded "Didn't even try."

I continued, "911?"

William said "They would get here too fast."

I could see a pattern forming but could not help but to ask my third and final question, "What hap., You did? Did you doooooo...,"

I hear a pop in my head, I look up and William is standing over my head -which was now on the floor- holding a butcher knife. My only thought was to pick up my head and ask for a divorce. I could put up with the idiots downstairs if we were good, but after four years of marriage I've had enough.

Author's Note

Don't ignore anything, this is my first story be brutally honest please. I can't get worst.

Reviews

[Leo Bojalil]

Good, nice and sarcastic. The family descriptions are pretty good I can see almost as taken from reality? maybe....perhaps...dunno......the only thing is the ending twist that I liked but I needed to read it twice to get but maybe is just me and it happens often with some writings but I like it...and I like the descriptions of people that you make, I think that you could take the behavior and descriptions a little bit further and have more fun with the characters and even with some situations...even in a short story you can have more fun with characters like the ones you have in your mind!!

[Rachael]

So funny! You had me laughing my a*s off! great story. The drunk uncle sounds a lot like mine, aren't they just a handful! Haha!

[Louise]

This was as funny as it was tragic! You're definetly talented, anyone can see that. Subscribed.

[E.H. Monroe]

See..here's what I think
You have a natural knack for comedy..dark comedy. The descriptions made me laugh and the rolling description of the family members was cash on. You didnt describe traditional which is boring as f**k INSTEAD you hit nuances which is STELLAR/
Married into a circus act...
the haggling uncle...
this is what great movie scripts are made from.

I could have did without the ending I feel like you chapened the nature of the story by dropping gods hammer..or knife..to punch out of it.
Its like you had a time limit and someone said END TEH STORY and you panicked. I'd take the ending out and make a goddamn MONSTER out of this thing. Its funny, it moves, its fluid, it has a voice, and it makes s**t like death of family members seem natural and pretty god damned entertaining.
"My brotehrs dead on the floor"
seriously
yeah
the monotone makes for a great read.

I dont critique..thats just what I would do. Your story spinning talent is way too good to NOT introduce us to more situations like this.

Well done Ms. Adjoanna,
I'd like asecond helping please...