Late at night.

Dark and true story.

I try to go to sleep late at night but sleep is the last thing on my mind. I toss and I turn and then I find myself thinking and thinking until my head is pounding with disruptive thoughts. I try to think of something else or read a book but nothing seems to take my mind off of it. I cry but no tears seem to fall. I can feel the sadness and pain in my chest and my eyes burn red, but yet no tears. I look numb like nothing bothers me on the outside, but on the inside I feel everything. I feel it all the time and at the most difficult times.

My doctor says I have depression, I even have medication for it. What is wrong with that is the meds don't help. Depression is a feeling that hurts the most late at night. I am okay during the day, I fake a smile and laugh. I read books and listen to music to keep my mind off of the bad thoughts.

Then late at night when I'm not ready the thoughts roll in like a cloud of heavy fog. I think of him. I think of the things that made me feel wrong when actually he was the one in the wrong. I can see myself back on the couch with the tv on late at night. I can see him sit next to me.

I can see it all happen for the first time, again and again. It goes through my head over and over every night.                           

 

Reviews

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

Well, I love to read truthful writings, I believe they are the true colors behind the black ink, though not seen, felt. Though I know this is more of a free write, I believe that if you put a little more effort into making it serious you should simply play around with your words and the sentence structure of this, excuse me if this is not the intention, but I believe it could be more than just an expressive write, it could be a story entailed. Depression sure is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions but when in writing depression can heal and willow the feelings of one another to change and connect.
Drift & Pulse

[Maya Lin]

This is probably the most thoughtful comment I've gotten on any of my work. Thank you for taking the time to read it and also write a review. I too believe this could become a story one day but maybe one day when all of it starts to become less real. This was written based off of how I felt at my all time low two years ago and it still feels like its still the same me. I would love to turn it into a story more loosely based on my life one day. Maybe give the ending of story something better than my life has had in store for me these last few years. Thank you.

[Iflybyyou]

Sounds a lot like how I feel sometimes, although I only feel it for a few minutes at a time, because I'm pretty much a stoic. Any feelings I have for girls are whisped away by meditation, so I don't have that problem. If this was an accurate expression of how you feel then I hope you find your ray of sunshine to hold onto like I did, and maybe meet a guy that will make you feel special amd render those feelings pointless.

[Maya Lin]

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. This was written based on how I felt two years ago. I still feel like this at times but rarely. I have found that someone that makes me feel special and holds me when I have panic attacks, but that someone is a she not a he ;)

[Iflybyyou]

Well whatever floats your boat 😂 but I'm glad you're feeling better. Lol Nobody will ever want to hold me, and even if they do, I'll most likelt be stronger than them and have to hold them, so I have learned to hold myself lol. Good luck with your writing career!

[Maya Lin]

I think it is good to be able to pick yourself up when you are down. I wish I had that strength. Thank you for taking the time to comment, it truly has made my night :)

[Iflybyyou]

My strength honestly comes from God. I'm not all that special, I'm truly a mess. It's really just my faith in Jesus that does it for me :) and no problem. Take care!

[Bare trees]

If I'm right, this sounds like rape? I can see the darkness in this and its scary as hell.

[Maya Lin]

Not rape but 3 year long molestation from my mom's boyfriend when I was 9 to when I was 12. It was scary and so were my thoughts even years after.

[Bare trees]

That's incredible! Was he locked up?

[Maya Lin]

No, my mom didn't believe me and dated him for another 2 years or so. He lived with us even after I told her, then she told me they broke up. The last year or two my sister and I realized she had been going out seeing him again. I do believe they might be over now though. He is very much free. Part of me will always feel like I am wrong and that if I try to do anything legally it will all just be worse. I'm in a good place right now and I'm trying not to ruin it haha.

[Bare trees]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Some things in life are not fair at all. I hope you can stay in that good place, I wish you luck.

[Maya Lin]

Thank you for taking the time to read this and comment, I was afraid to post such a personal piece online but these comments have made me feel so much better about it.

[Bare trees]

You're welcome.