What Have I done!

It was during the last school classes before summer vacations. We would all might be in out of sight, for a month or so, so some of my friends decided to tell their inner feelings, to their special ones. Some of my friends were busy cuddling with their all ready found partners, and some of them, were just busy eyeing the voluptuous shapes and sizes of the girls, trying to crack some erotic jokes, and fantasizing about them.

"Hey c’mon tell her! Tell her about your feelings. I will help you out!", Pritam told Mousam.

Mousam, a classmate, was eyeing Payel for a long time, but couldn't quite tell her, as he was busy trying to figure out whether she likes her or not.

"I don't know, if she likes me, or not!", Mousam replied.

"When I am here have no fear!", Pritam replied trying to give him some assurance that he will help him, to woo her.

"But, what if she rejects!", he told.

"First tell her about your likeness, then think about her answer. First tell her those 3 words!", Pritam said.

I was sitting beside Pritam, listening to all their conversation, blended with the mission to make Payel, Mousam's girlfriend.

"A life lived in fear, is a life half lived!", I cracked into their conversation, with a thunderous quote, which I copied from the walls of our boy's washroom.

"A*****e! I am not scared of telling her my feelings, but I am afraid of her answer!", Mousam sighed.

"But you have to hear her side too!", I said.

"Yeah! But what if she rejects!", Mousam said, clinging on its negative side.

"Okay fine! Don't tell her! You just sit here, I will go and ask her about her feelings for you, and whatever will be her answer, I will tell you tomorrow in the tuitions.”, Pritam blurted out, after sometime.

"Yeah! That's a great idea!", Mousam said, agreeing to Pritam's terms and conditions.

"That's a great idea from a great persona!", Pritam said, trying to make an air of importance.

"F**k off!", I and Mousam echoed.

There was Mousam, contended by Pritam's help, hoping for a "yes” and there was me, on the other side. The love making couples, all around me, made me frustrated, making me look like a looser, unable to woo girls and in turn unable to make any girlfriend.

"So, that was from his side. What about yours?", Pritam asked, pointing towards me.

"Yeah! What about yours! You Chupa Rustam!", Mousam agreed, and too joined Pritam's side.

"Who me? I don't like any girls!", I said, as both of them knew, that I was already rejected by my first crush.

"Oh! Cm on! You liked Atasi, but she is booked! You must have some other girls in your mind!", Pritam chuckled.

"Nah! I can't handle rejection! So I don't want to propose any other girl, for the sake of being rejected!", I protested.

"Huh! What a joke!", Mousam laughed.

"What! This aint a joke!", I said, irritated.

"You are such a looser. A looser, fat nerd!", Pritam entered.

"F**k off!", I continued my protest against being called a "looser fat nerd".

"Huh! Then prove it you aren't!", Mousam said, as he banged his fist on the desk.

"Get lost!"

"He is really a looser. Let's go!", Pritam said, and left the class, as we left for our final prayers.

 

"Hey! Sorry yaar! Don't take all those s***s in mind! We were just joking!", Pritam came and apologized.

I laughed and nodded.

"Thanks. And have a happy vacations!", he said and left, as the bus honked their horns hard, urging the students to get into their respective buses.

"You too. Bye.", I said in return.

As the buses jerked off, starting its motion towards our homes, my brain started its inquisition about my character.

"Am I a nerd?", I asked myself

"Yeah! Might be.", my brain answered quickly

"Am I fat?"

"Yeah! Obviously. Look at yourself. You look over-weight!"

"Ok. That can be checked! Am I a bad looking guy?"

"Yeah! Go have a check on the mirror, it will shatter down. Moreover, your over-weight gives you a horrible look. So go and shed some weight!"

"Oh s**t! Ok I will! Lastly, am I really a looser?"

" Yeah you are. A*****e, you don't have a girlfriend, you aren't rich, you aren't a good looking guy, you didn't have a good figure, you aren't that genius! So, indirectly, you don't have any of such qualities that a girl finds in a guy. I mean, your outlook spoils it all. Look at yourself; you look like a balloon, getting rounder and rounder day by day. Change yourself, and lastly get some personality at least. At least learn something, after being rejected!", my brain smirked.

Finally my brain stopped after such Antony type speech.

"Huh! Finally you have stopped cursing my outlooks! And the fact about changing himself, leave it there! He won't! Coz changing himself for a girl, would be his biggest sin, ever done in his life, and for that God won't even forgive him! If a girl has to accept him, she have to accept him, the way he is, not the way, she wants!", my heart protested.

"Then do whatever you like! You will always be a looser!", my brain shouted.

"I will show you! I can woo any girl!", I said, in a low voice.

" Good joke looser!", my brain giggled.

"Hey, how's going?", a voice came to my ears. It was familiar to me, but I was too lost in the argument between me and my brain, to respond to the question.

"Hello...", again the same voice, but this time, with a push on my left arm.

The push, was from a girl. Wait. A girl? I turned left.

"Yeah!.... Oh you... Oh sorry sorry...", I said, apologized her for my late reflex to her words. The voice was from my class monitor, Priyanka. She was sitting beside me, in my bus, and I was so lost in my own world, that I didn't even notice her sitting beside me.

"Hmmm.... What are you doing!", she asked.

"Nothing. Just lost in my own world!", I answered.

"I thought that. I saw you making typical faces, murmuring something in your own mind. I thought you have gone mad, so I didn't disturb you!"

What the f**k! She saw me making faces! Moreover, she saw me murmuring! S**t! What she might think about me! She will think that I have gone mad! No, I can't let all this happen! I have to do something!

"See, even she is laughing at you! You are a joker!", my brain mocked.

"Stop now... Let me think, about something...", I said.

"Oh! Nothing like that! I was thinking deeply!"

"Oh! And what are you thinking about?"

F**k! What did I say!

"Ummm... I.... I was thinking.... Thinking about you!"

"Oh! Thinking about me! Wow! That's great! It’s nice to hear from someone, that he is thinking about me. Now, what are you thinking about me?", she chuckled.

"Ummm... It’s quite difficult to tell!"

"C’mon! You are thinking about me, and you are not even telling me what are you thinking! That's not fair!"

"Ummm... First tell me, you will not be offended!"

"Wow! What's that now! I can't tell that!"

"Then leave it!"

I myself didn't know where the conversation was heading through. In fact it was such an abrupt start that I couldn't made myself ready for the conversation. Not only that, I had bent the conversation in such a way, that it was hanging on the cliff, almost on the verge of jumping from that dead end. But, my head had other plans, and it started throwing some stupid advices.

"What should I do now! What am I going to tell her, about what I was thinking all about!", I asked myself.

"Ummm... Tell her that you like her, and you want to make a proposal!", my brain answered.

"Are you mad or what! I didn't know her well!"

"After proposal you will know her well!"

"No way!"

"Then do whatever you want! Jump off the bus I suggest! And this projects you as a complete, branded looser! You can't even play with a girl!"

"A*****e! I won't play with a girl!"

"Then what are you going to do! Tell me! Do you have any idea!"

"Okay! Tell me, what you were thinking! I will not get offended!", she said.

I was in the middle of the rift created by the non-stop fights between my heart and my brain.

Before, I could have swum across it, I was fired by a panzerfaust with that question, and the only available option remaining for me is to die, than to tell what my brain thought.

"Ummm.... I like you!", I said. I couldn't gather the courage to tell her those four vulnerable letters - L, O, V, E.

"What! What are you saying! You have seriously gone mad!", she was shocked, and her facial expressions made it further clear that she wasn't quite ready with the answer.

But, I was middle of nowhere, neither could I come back from the said words, nor I could change the topic. I was left with the only option to proceed according to the flow of the conversation.

"Nah! I am not joking! I'm serious!", I said, and I didn't knew how, a serious face came out from nowhere, with my voice becoming heavier and heavier.

The atmosphere between me and her became an unknown one, mixed with false emotions from my side, and a complete silence from both sides - I didn't knew how had I said those words, in fact what I spoken, and from her side - she wasn't expecting such an abrupt proposal. The only sound audible in my ears was that of the humongous motor of the bus, making a growling sound, gulping in the flammable material, and excreting out those black clouds, quite analogous to our body system.

I was again lost in my thoughts, cursing my idiotic brain to plan such a way to end the conversation. The proximity of Priyanka, threatened me, with the thought of she slapping me for such an abrupt proposal.

"I will tell you later. I need time! Bye.", the slience was broken by her voice, as she stood to bade me good bye.

"Okay! Bye. See you in chemistry tution!", I too bade her bye, tried to show some courtsey, and finally she disappeared from my sight.

"What the f**k, have I done! S**t man! I can't play with her feelings!", I shouted at myself.

"Don't worry! She will surely reject you!", my brain answered.

"Yeah! That's right! But still, why the hell, had I proposed her! I didn't have any feelings for her!"

"That's right!"

"S**t man! Now she will surely reject me, and moreover she will tell the whole class about my proposal!"

"That's not a big deal at all!"

"No that's not! But the big deal happens, when she will reject me, and those two morons will again get a chance to bully me! These girls are dangerous! They can't keep any secret with themselves!"

"So what! You are a true looser, and you should accept that, after this proposal rejection!"

"And what if she accepts?"

"Never mind, that won't ever happen!", my brain laughed.

"A*****e!"

"Hey won't you get down?", the bus conductor shouted.

I had delved myself in the battle between me and my brain, that I had missed my bus stop.

"Hmmm.... Yeah yeah! Stop here!”, I answered, and all of a sudden I found that the overcrowded bus changed to an abandoned one, with me, the bus driver, and its conductor traversing through it. I was so lost in my heart versus brain battle, that I too skipped my bus stop.

The bus screeched to a halt, and to my surprise, I was someone two kilometers away from my house.

I was in the middle of nowhere. I don't whom to curse - curse my heart for saying those words, or to curse my brain, for planning such a horrible incident. I was confused. I knew, nothing can be done now, I have to take the humiliation from my friends head down, after being rejected by her. I was dejected. I slowly started crawling through the streets, dragging my heavy body, along with its heavy weight mind, to my house, so as to give some peace to my mind.

 

I straightly went to my cozy bed, so as to give myself some time to think about the matter, to find a way out from this stress. I checked the calendar, to find out the date and day, when I was going to face Priyanka once again, and it will be that day, when the result of my deed will be declared, and it might have a prize of public humiliation.

"Oh! S**t! This can't be! I can't be so unlucky!", I exclaimed out of fear. Fear coz I will be facing Priyanka the next day early in the morning. Our common chemistry was scheduled the next day, and as far as planned, she will be declaring her answer to my proposal.

"What should I do now! What!!!!!", I exclaimed, biting my nails in fear.

"Yes! Yes! I will not go to the tuition!"

"But what should I tell my mom for the absence!"

"I will bunk!"

"But where should I go!"

"I will wander on the streets!"

"Nah! I might get caught by some of my relatives!"

"S**t man!"

I was talking to myself, loudly. But I didn't realize till my sister intervened my series of thoughts.

"Whom are you talking to?", she asked, peering into my room, from the door.

"Oh! Nothing!........ On the phone!", I replied, shocked, but immediately picked the mobile kept on the table and gestured her about a fake call.

"Oh! Ok. But please softly."

"Ok ok. I will keep that in my mind!"

 

To be continued…….

Reviews

[Trigorin]

You have a good concept but your dialogue and word choice is a little stilted and odd-sounding. I'd look over this again and think about if everything is as clear as you could make it, and if you're happy with what the dialogue is saying, both mechanically and about who the characters are.

[Dayran]

A highly unlikely event. Go out and make some real friends!