Broken

This is just a poem I wrote. I would really like any feedback you can give me.

hatred and despair,
what you cannot repair,
it lurks inside your mind,
its what you cannot find,
what was lost cant be found,
what was hidden in the ground.

when it comes out,
when you start to shout,
when you lose your head,
when you know you're dead,
when it takes hold,
when you feel so cold,
when you hold your breath,
when you're not afraid of death,

you will start to scream,
it wont be a dream,
you're trapped in a shell,
you know you're in hell,
you have no gain,
only pain,
you've gone utterly insane.

it starts to rip,
you start to trip,
over the edge,
off the ledge,
into the part,
of your brain,
that will start,
as it breaks your heart,
and tears your soul,
the emptiness is full,
you feel so dumb,
you're totally numb.

it wraps around you,
holds you tight,
keeps you awake,
throughout the night,
it chokes away all the light,
it stares at you,
glares at you ,
tears at you,
and you are helpless to resist,
as you are sucked into the mist,
as you go blind,
into the depths of your mind.

Author's Note

thank you for reading my poem. please review it. also check out my friend Robert delfuego or Ethan s poetry. it is very good.

Reviews

[DeliriousCerises]

Strangely enough I don't remember being 13. It's the gap in my memory that refuses to produce form. But I remember 8th grade and being 14. I remember feeling alone, but not quite broken. It wasn't until later in life that I learned the difference. You've produced a wonderfully complete imagine of that feeling. Which is especially impressive since it's not entirely personal. That's really difficult for a lot of people, writing about more than just yourself. This also flows really well. You have quite a gift.

[Steven Westbrook]

Quite honestly you did a great job of coveying your image of darkness. The only thing about this piece is that it almost tip-toes on cliche at somepoints like in the first two stanzas and in the second you mention death twice. try to use dark language a bit sparingly.

[MandaBear]

Wow...This was really astounding!

[Amila Jay]

it starts to rip,
you start to trip,
over the edge,
off the ledge,
into the part,
of your brain,
that will start,
as it breaks your heart,
and tears your soul,
the emptiness is full,
you feel so dumb,
you're totally numb.

This is absolutely awesome!!Brilliant poem my friend :))

[Jock Engelman]

out to 19 people i sent read requests to!

[Jock Engelman]

p.s. i will be sending out review requests to loads of people and sharing it on my facebook too :D

[Jock Engelman]

i absolutely love how this stanza just rolls off your tongue like the drips of saliva i was producing during the longing i had to read more of this work (dont worry i complement people weird):

"when it comes out,
when you start to shout,
when you lose your head,
when you know you're dead,
when it takes hold,
when you feel so cold,
when you hold your breath,
when you're not afraid of death"

i also like how the following four lines gradually become longer with more syllables (which if you check out my works [pretty pretty please :P] you will see that i dont normally experiment with) but it has inspired me to attempt to expand my structure!:

"when it takes hold,
when you feel so cold,
when you hold your breath,
when you're not afraid of death"

although these few lines dont seem to fit into the scheme of the work that has been done here. it seems to be lyrically out of place!:

"t wraps around you,
holds you tight,
keeps you awake,
throughout the night,
it chokes away all the light"

(i give it a rating of 86/100)

[Cre8nFrmWithn]

I don't really remember being thirteen but I do remember feeling alone and angry a lot because my family was military and I never had a settled place just for me. Thanks for a nice read.

[Erika Jones]

I love this! I usually have problems with rhyming poetry, I'm always told it looks like it's forced, but you managed to make it flow like a flowing river :) Continue your great work!

[Davey Jones]

this is very interesting and very emotional