Broken

This is just a poem I wrote. I would really like any feedback you can give me.

hatred and despair,
what you cannot repair,
it lurks inside your mind,
its what you cannot find,
what was lost cant be found,
what was hidden in the ground.

when it comes out,
when you start to shout,
when you lose your head,
when you know you're dead,
when it takes hold,
when you feel so cold,
when you hold your breath,
when you're not afraid of death,

you will start to scream,
it wont be a dream,
you're trapped in a shell,
you know you're in hell,
you have no gain,
only pain,
you've gone utterly insane.

it starts to rip,
you start to trip,
over the edge,
off the ledge,
into the part,
of your brain,
that will start,
as it breaks your heart,
and tears your soul,
the emptiness is full,
you feel so dumb,
you're totally numb.

it wraps around you,
holds you tight,
keeps you awake,
throughout the night,
it chokes away all the light,
it stares at you,
glares at you ,
tears at you,
and you are helpless to resist,
as you are sucked into the mist,
as you go blind,
into the depths of your mind.

Author's Note

thank you for reading my poem. please review it. also check out my friend Robert delfuego or Ethan s poetry. it is very good.

Reviews

[DeliriousCerises]

Strangely enough I don't remember being 13. It's the gap in my memory that refuses to produce form. But I remember 8th grade and being 14. I remember feeling alone, but not quite broken. It wasn't until later in life that I learned the difference. You've produced a wonderfully complete imagine of that feeling. Which is especially impressive since it's not entirely personal. That's really difficult for a lot of people, writing about more than just yourself. This also flows really well. You have quite a gift.

[dontwakeme]

Love the creativity...the imagrey and flow are just 'wow'...

[Bell]

Is it possible to be in love with a poem? You're amazing!!

[jennifer little]

good job keep up the good work

[Roe]

love the write!!!!

[Archia]

I am very impresse with all those different rhymes. There were a few lines that did seem just a bit, unnecessary, but when looking back I realise that they are, they just don't fit as well with the rest. Like this line "you've gone utterly insane." It has such meaning to it, that I see it needs to be there, but it seems almost trite in its place.
Anyway, I liked the meaning, the story in this and the last line ended it perfectly. I really enjoyed that first stanza, it was a good start.

[Alex Crow]

Nice imagery, the occational rhyme was awsome and yeah, I think we've all been broken at one point or another.

[Alex Vidmar]

hmmm... i like this. it's definitely different. Well done.

[Who Cares]

Some of your lines controdict eachother which gives a confused state this adds power behind your words. You send a powerful message that readers can relate to, being confused, broken, alone, unwated, etc. The mix mached rhyme scheme also gives power to this poem by not giving it a guideline, often the best poems are written freely with no rhyme guidelines it allows the author to take the poem where ever they please. I am babbling on now... at any rate nice poem and I very much like it, you have true talent.

[Mockingbird]

very intense and dark. sounds like a bad trip and all these racing morbid thoughts run through your mind. great poem.

[Aravind]

Really enjoyed reading this. be a lttle careful with the consecutive you's... make it sound like a rap.