Broken

This is just a poem I wrote. I would really like any feedback you can give me.

hatred and despair,
what you cannot repair,
it lurks inside your mind,
its what you cannot find,
what was lost cant be found,
what was hidden in the ground.

when it comes out,
when you start to shout,
when you lose your head,
when you know you're dead,
when it takes hold,
when you feel so cold,
when you hold your breath,
when you're not afraid of death,

you will start to scream,
it wont be a dream,
you're trapped in a shell,
you know you're in hell,
you have no gain,
only pain,
you've gone utterly insane.

it starts to rip,
you start to trip,
over the edge,
off the ledge,
into the part,
of your brain,
that will start,
as it breaks your heart,
and tears your soul,
the emptiness is full,
you feel so dumb,
you're totally numb.

it wraps around you,
holds you tight,
keeps you awake,
throughout the night,
it chokes away all the light,
it stares at you,
glares at you ,
tears at you,
and you are helpless to resist,
as you are sucked into the mist,
as you go blind,
into the depths of your mind.

Author's Note

thank you for reading my poem. please review it. also check out my friend Robert delfuego or Ethan s poetry. it is very good.

Reviews

[DeliriousCerises]

Strangely enough I don't remember being 13. It's the gap in my memory that refuses to produce form. But I remember 8th grade and being 14. I remember feeling alone, but not quite broken. It wasn't until later in life that I learned the difference. You've produced a wonderfully complete imagine of that feeling. Which is especially impressive since it's not entirely personal. That's really difficult for a lot of people, writing about more than just yourself. This also flows really well. You have quite a gift.

[Sasha]

Powerful words and it sounds almost like a song. Great one.

[AleyshaRosa]

Wow, Max.
I want to say I liked it, but "liking" something with such a pain feels wrong. I empathize, I appreciate your honesty. Thanks so much for sharing...
Awesome write, full of emotion.
Koodoos

[CHRIS ANDES]

the persona needs only one word
"courage"
=]

[Loner]

Its a mature poem written at such a tender age
as yours but by reading along your stuff i feel
u are trapped and at times want to break free
and at times want to be just left alone ..... an awesome write ....

[Call_Me_Miss_Imperfect]

You write with such a great flow and the rhyming's also has an easy way for the readers to ease through! Plus, I can relate to this poem a lot. I think a lot of other writers/readers can definitely too! It's not an unusal phase to go through. Wonderful job :)

Ashley Rivers-- your friend ;)

[Harley (arbiter)]

Man you're writing is really some crap I can get. I've been there man. Nice write. Love it.

[Ellie Howard]

last three stanzas created extremely dark imagry for me, i loved it

[Brianna Van Zandt]

This is really well written. Very good. I remember I started writing in sixth grade. Didn't actually get good until eighth. Very good. :)

[❀ Gabriela ..]

Wow. This is really... wow! Very dark and emotional, but really powerful and the last line was just brilliant.

Excellent poem!

[MOON]

lovely flow to your writing Max , you expressed the feelings so well . Everyone has been there