My dreams

Tiger-Lilly explains her life. She has no friends (just an obnoxious boyfriend) and a poor messed up family. Now shes seeing more and more images in her head...and they're not always nice.

I jumped up from the couch and dashed to the door. Suddenly I didn't feel sick anymore. I felt determined. Determined to find my brother even if it meant finding out hes perfectly fine and I'm going crazy. I can't risk him being hurt for my own reasons.

 Just then I realized I was wasting time and quickly threw on my shoes and jacket.

 It was freezing outside considering it was February but I just ignored the cold.

 I looked around then realized, I don't have any idea where to go! My dreams didn't show much in the background.

 It looked like an unfinished basement. There were brick walls covered with blood and writing. There was a dirt ground and a little bit of grass spouting out of the dirt. It looked gross and bloody. It looked oddly familiar. I've seen this place before but I can't remember where! 

 I tried to think of the houses I've been all my life. I don't have many friends so that narrows it down to my house, Becks house and Katy's house.

 It can't be Becks house. I've checked his whole house before when he moved there. I've been in every room in the whole entire house and there was never once a room like that. Besides he doesn't even have a garage or a basement.

 It can't be Katy's house. When we had sleepovers we would play spy's and go all through the house pretending there's lasers. Us together went through her whole house so I know theres definately not a room like in my dreams.

 Of course its not my house. We don't have a room that looks like that and besides, I would hear him screaming from the pain.

 Where could he be?! I can't stand not knowing! If it's not in a house then it must be somewhere I've been before. Its not my school or any of the backyards I've seen.

 Wait! It looks like the old alleyway I used to use as a short cut to get to my elementary school back then. It looks exactly like my dream. It even has a old hut thing once you got to the grass on the other side. They probably leave my brother in there. I can't believe I didn't think of that before!

 With that I started running down the street. The alleyway is only down the street and around the corner so it will take no time to get there.

 When I get to the corner I could see the alleyway entrance, I used so many times as a kid. I ran as fast as my feet would go all the way there. As I got there feel enveloped me and I was about to turm around, when I thought of my brother screaming in my dreams.

 Suddenly overwelmed with emotions I dash into the alleyway before I could stop myself. I was correct. The alleyway looked exactly like the background in my dreams but thats not what I was looking for.

 I was looking for my brother and I'm sure they keep him in the hut at the very end of the alleyway in the grass.

 I run through the alleyway and into the grass. There was the old beaten down hut. It looked old and ripped from the last time I saw it. It too was covered with blood.

 Without thinking I dash into the hut. What if they're in there?! I thought just as I got inside. Except nothing was in there. Nothing except a meansly old piece of paper. Just like everything else it was covered in blood but I picked it up anyway. I wiped off the blood just so I could see what it is. It was a letter....from my brother.

Reviews

[Aly Jones]

Whoa. Talk about epic.

[ali]

The sense of dread and doom is conveyed well throughout the story- however, the thoughts need to be organized in a way that make sense. Your protagonist says that she cant risk her brother getting hurt for her own reasons- why would she even tell us that? Why doesn't she tell us her reasons, and why can't we just assume that she loves her brother and doesnt want anything bad to happen to him?

[Kaitlyn]

really good work :)

[See ya]

FIrst the negatives....take the paragraph below...

It can't be Katy's house. When we had sleepovers we would play 'spy's' and go all through the house pretending there's lasers. Us 'together' went through her whole house so I know theres definately not a room like in my dreams.

A spell check can help you, nothing ruins writing like mispelling.
and "Us Together", no need for the together, since when you use the word "US" it implies togetherness so there is no need to elaborate there.
You could also find ways to eliminate unneccesary words like here: "With that I started running down the street. The alleyway is only 'down the street'...."

Now the good news....you are 15 and as you continue to write you will only get so much better at structure and cleaning up your sentences.
I hope I wasnt too harsh, that is not my intention, just being honest with you. I love the imagery and the haunting story and visions....clean it up and go back and compare this version with a much crisper version and you might even agree with me.

Private message me if you want me to review your work in private from now on. Okay.

[Cynically]

Awesome chapter.

[Arsenic Nemesis]

A nice chapter here, chilling and very intriguing; I like it

[how.girls.get.clean]

great chapter