The long and the short of it

"It's a da penis....It's a too small"

Words I had hoped I would never have to hear in my life. let alone in such a ridiculous accent.

"I'm sorry ?" I replied...

" It's a dis big " gesturing with a thumb and forefinger about an inch apart.

Sitting down, I took a moment to process the statement that had just been delivered to me .

" I tell you this to get a help....see a doctor.."

It was not a joke.

"Soooo....... you think a doctor should have a look at it ?"
I replied with a quizzical yet sheepish look on my face.


"Yes , I think .......It's a not normal"

" Today ?" I said.

" Ahuh"

An aged, silver haired man sat before me .
His face was long and drawn. His pencil thin moustache perfectly trimmed and sculpted. He had a caricature of an Italian accent and pointed crocadilian shoes.

He motioned to a small boy aged about 11 to come over. I now was feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

The boy shuffled along and finally stood next to his father. Glaring. One hand in his pocket, the other fumbling with a action figure toy. He shrugged.

"Tell him son"

"Tell him how small it is"

I placed a five fingered hand up in urgent attempt to stop the current line of questioning.

" It's ok....." I said


"It's a little busy here and it is an emergency department"

"You still want him to see a doctor?"


A simultaneous nod and a shrug came from both of them.

With a raised eyebrow, I swiped my finger in the air in a westward direction.

" Take a seat in the waiting room please"


After two hours sifting through tens of unwell patients , finally it was his turn to see the doctor.

Ushered into a room, The boy seemed surprisingly unperturbed or even cogniscent of just how much money this would cost him in future psychiatry bills.

Peering at the chart the young male doctor carefully read through the complaint. Occasionally he glanced up at the father who sat nervously stroking his moustache and waiting for a medical diagnosis for his sons smaller than expected salami.

"Ahem"

"So....Billy "

" Hows the school holidays? ....having fun ?"

The boy stared blankly back and gave an even more effortless shrug.

" let's have a look and see why your here today ...shall we?"

The doctor waited as the boy pulled down his trousers and lay bare on the assessment table.

Then began the examination.

He looked up. He looked down. He looked under. The boy looked at the father. The father looked at the doctor. The doctor looked at the proposed problem at hand.

After about a minute, the young doctor raised up. He stood completely straight like a war soldier about to give his countries apologies to a grieving parent.

His right hand moved slowly upwards forming a fist. Out of the fist popped a skywards facing thumb.

It was exactly like Arnie in the final scene of terminator 2, except this time there would be no tears.

" looks good to me...." He replied.

The boy smiled from ear to elbow as the good news was delivered.

" He's only just hit puberty " said the doctor. "

"Give him a few years"

The young boy skipped gleefully out of the door twiddling his action figure as they left.


It was a school holiday excursion he would likley never forget.