In a clouded haze....

......sitting here alone thinking of you

Sitting in a clouded haze

counting my numbered days.

Memories of you are all I have.

Some even make me laugh.

 

My favorite remains under the Oak tree.

We were filled with glee.

Sitting side by side

our love with no place to hide.

 

You were in my arms.

Being courted by my charms.

We shared a gentle kiss.

That's what I miss.

 

Sitting in a clouded haze

counting my numbered days.

A tear falls from my eye

as the memories make me cry.

 

I remember how we use to dance

using it as a chance

to see who could be the bigger tease.

But we would always please.

 

 From the touching of our lips

to the grinding of our hips.

Showered by your scent.

I knew what true love meant.

 

Sitting in a clouded haze

counting my numbered days.

Wishing I made a better choice

so I could hear your voice.

 

Haunted by that day

I knew it wasn't okay.

You said we couldn't be,

that you were leaving me.

 

I didn't understand why

Just wanted to try

You said my anger was too much

and you no longer enjoyed my touch.

 

Sitting in a clouded haze

counting my numbered days.

You promised me our love would never end.

Guess it was a game of pretend.

 

I didn't know what to do

but I never meant to hurt you.

I needed us.

It was a MUST!

 

You were MINE!

Everything will be fine!

But the RAGE..!

Now...now I am in this cage...

 

Sitting in a clouded haze

counting my numbered days.

Author's Note

Second draft of the poem. Hope it's still as good as the original.

Reviews

[Obsidian]

A transition from happy memories to heartache Your rhymes make this a smooth read, and the repetition of the numbered days encapsulates the feeling. One wonders what happened on that day...why are you in the cage? Intriguing and leaves the reader to interpret the possibilities. Well written for sure.

[Matthew Kult]

Thank you for stopping in. It's appreciated.

Matthew

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

I really like how you have repeated those two lines..cause that line is beautiful..how often are we left in a haze..left to wonder what went wrong..what more could we have done to save what we shared with the one whom we loved..yet we have to accept what is gone is gone..there is nothing more that could be and can be done...if nothing else the memories are for us to keep..
Very well expressed,genuine and poignant..

[David W Moore III]

Okay, so in the poem, you killed her and are now in jail? or you chased her off with the rage and have made a cage for yourself (metaphorically) that keeps her away? either way. Nicely done. That first rhyme is a bit stretched but doesn't detract as you quickly get into it with the rest of the stanzas. Just a quick note... if you kill all your women, you quickly shrink the pool of ones to choose from. Just sayin...

[Willow B. Coldfeather]

I like how you repeat "Sitting in a clouded haze
counting my numbered days."

[Loner]

Matthew its a delightful piece really loved it.

[chris-the-writer]

Good job, very intimate the way you described both the emotional and sexual (I think) moments they shared. Some flow issues, Instead of "That's what I miss", I think "That (is) what I miss" works nicer.

Overall good, job keep it up

[Bard Constantine]

The expressions are nicely expressed. Honestly, I believe the rhyming is a bit off. Try reading it out loud, and feel the flow of the rhyme.

Ex: Sitting in a clouded haze
Counting (all) my numbered days
Memories of you I have
Some of which can make me laugh

Not saying that you should structure your poem so, just an example. Read it aloud, and you should hear a rhyming scheme that flows. Just a thought to take for what it's worth. You express the melancholy well in this piece, and create a tender picture of regret. Nicely done.

[Alex DeVoir]

Enjoyed much. You should link this to your facebook and draw a few more over from there. Good stuff man. Good to see you started writing again. Was getting worried.

[HorrorMaster]

Very good poem

[KaySea]

graet work

[A-Lovely-Anxiety]

I really like it, it's very emotional. I personally don't think you should edit it at all. Great poem, and thanks for your review!!