Please help me choose a title

I plan to submit this poem for Publication. I'd appreciate any advice or suggestions you may have.

it's hard to state just how bizarre 
Our efforts to seem special are, 
as life's become a clearance sale 
where reason's swapped for fairy tale; 
and repetition seems our way, 
to cling to comfort, rarely stray;  
and when we do 
the thrill and dread collide. 
And when the new world rises 
It will be our ways that died. 

So let's get rid of special, 
and ignore the branders' screams 
that frenzy us with slogans 
and distract us from our dreams; 
let’s rip our minds wide open 
so our souls can touch what's real, 
and savor every heartbeat 
as we watch our culture heal. 

Let's toss away religion 
and forget to fear the dark, 
and love ourselves in everyone 
and shape a world less stark; 
and marvel at our feet, 
they've spread our species so diverse; 
and focus on the betterment 
and share to change the worse. 

Let's celebrate the value 
and the values of our kin, 
place children above trophies 
as their epic tales begin; 
and recognize that feelings 
are the seed of every act, 
that want is all we do, 
and all we know hangs from that fact. 

Let's want to make a better world 
and want to share the feast. 
Let's want our lives to matter 
more than some obnoxious beast; 
but let the need to shine be stripped 
and fed back to the stars, 
so our whole race can gleam in grace

and know the light is ours.

 

Author's Note

Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Rew]

It is unfortunate that humans are human.
" special "
It is the only thing which humans can attain to be, " to have this want", among 8 billion other "special" people.

I'd like to see religion disappear but when it disappear it is usually prompted by a Mao Zedong, a Stalin, a Hitler or a Trump. And then they become the religion.

Hitler became special in a special way.

As has Trump and his adherents.
It's the only way some people can become special.

Like I said it's unfortunate that humans are human.

This is not to detract from your fine work but merely to point out that we all have this desire to be special.
This is why we write.
It is our only way, to attempt, to be special.

That's what I think.
Rew.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Rew, and for your thoughtful comments on humanity! :)
Worship is a digesting behavior. I think the desire to be worshipped tops it though. Do you write for yourself, to feel special; or do you write for the reader, to share?

[Chris Shaw]

A skilled write, uplifting and with a strong message. Particularly liked your third stanza. Religion is a curse in my opinion, has caused more wars than anything. Without it, I am sure there would be more peace. We all need to be a little kinder to each other. Great work mattavelli.

Chris

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Christine! :)
Worship is a disgusting behavior, and religious faith turns human minds into goldfish. I'm sorry, I wrote this poem as a gental critique of the Christian Nationalists and their "America First" campaign. It's an ugly topic. Don't let my wife know I was chatting about it. Haha
Have another great morning. :)

[Paul Bell]

Before lockdown, I could have joined 5 religions 4 cults all promising everlasting life and peace.
Strangely enough, they all looked miserable. I should have told them to join writers cafe and cheer up.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Paul! :)
I’m sure you could still get into a Skype service. Haha

[Betty Hermelee]

I think there is a good message here. It seems we are too wrapped up in”things” and perhaps religion too and we forget about basic values of ourselves and others; instead of simply thinking about ourselves and our possessions, let share the wealth, let’s try to make our world a better place for everyone....no matter the faith, the skin color, let’s celebrate life together.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Betty! :)

[barleygirl]

Happy Easter! I miss not seeing you more often here. You're a great writer! I love your message here, but it seems a little outdated to me. I can't remember a time recently when people seemed to crave specialness. It seems to me that life is all about tearing others down now. We've blown right by being special. Everyone is a piece of s**t. It's bound to come out sooner or later. But I do agree that anyone trying to be special is putting on a show on another planet anymore. You pick out snappy details to show what a non-special life can give in abundance (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[mattavelli]

Hello, Barleygirl, happy Easter, and thanks for reading and the compliments! :)
I think people are stressed out. Haha
I read a quote by Camus that connected with me, “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal”. I rolled that thought around in my head and out popped: It’s hard to state just how bizarre my efforts to seem normal are”. I really liked the lines and went with it as I wrote the first section, but it seemed whiny, so I changed it. Now it’s a bit preachy, but the feelings are the same.
Ya, I haven’t been around the cafe lately, but I feel the poetry pulling me back. Haha
How have you been?

[barleygirl]

I love that Camus quote. A friend of mine thanked me the other day for calling him "normal" (as contrasting with my own lack of normality!) Luckily I've reached that age (65 in July! Yippee!) where I don't need to act normal anymore. I live in the wilderness, as you may remember, so there's nobody out here to care if I'm normal or not. I completely missed the pandemic out here . . . never worn a mask, only have seen 3 people in masks in a year. We county folk are stand-offish, so we were doing social distancing long before the pandemic! Take care & keep smiling!

[Papaya]

What an incredible poem! So full of hope.

What to call it? I'm not quite sure.

In a perfect world? Or, the crabs climbed out of the bucket on the backs of their kin?
I suck at titles. :)

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Ana! :)

[Roland Petrov]

Watch, Toss, & Celebrate. Gleam in Grace. Shine. Or just leave it the way it is and let your readers think about it.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Roland! :)

[Lydia Shutter]

Lovely thoughts...albeit a bit Utopian! You have a great outlook on life and how to live it. The rhyming is super in this one. I enjoyed it. Good luck getting it published. Lydi*

[emipoemi]

.......This is filled with juicy lines and utter brilliance I'm still reeling from the magic. Absolutely divine! I can't suggest a title at the moment, as I'm still digesting what I just experienced, but if you feel it, it will come to you.

My only critique is "Place children above trophies" would have better musicality if written out as "Put children over trophies" (same meaning, better flow).

Absolutely well done, Matt! This is poetry in motion and it's a d@mn good gem! Much enjoyed.

[mattavelli]

Hey, emi! :)
Thanks for reading, the compliments, and the suggestion.

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

[MomzillaNC]

A pointed and important message. Your meter breaks down in a few places, though. My suggestion for a title is from your dénouement in the last line, "The Light Is Ours"

[mattavelli]

Hello, MomzillaNC, thanks for reading and the suggestion. :)
Could you point out to me where the rhythm breaks?

[MomzillaNC]

Your stanzas feel like they're trying to be a set rhythm. But, the rhythm just isn't there.

For a structured meter, you need to choose how many syllables per line, and craft your rhymes to adhere to that meter. Or, if you intend no metered structure, you need craft your lines so that they don't make the reader feel the lines are trying to fall into a structured meter.

Rhyming poems, in my estimation, don't have to be structured meter. However, if there is a rhythm emerging, all the lines should follow the same tapped out rhythm, regardless of syllable-length. In your case, the lines -- to me at least -- has an emerging rhythm in the first lines, akin to a set of lyrics. Lyrics are a kind of poetry that follows a rhythmic form without always utilizing structured meter (think folk songs, for example). But, that emerging rhythm falls apart as the poem progresses.

Try reading the first stanza, tapping out the syllables on your desk or knee. I think you'll see what I mean. The rhythm holds together really well for the first six lines, then shifts and begins to fall apart thereafter.

[mattavelli]

I know the rhythm breaks at line 7. I broke it intentionally.
"Your stanzas feel like they're trying to be a set rhythm. But, the rhythm just isn't there." - Besides lines 7 - 10, do you see other issues with the rhythm?
Thanks for the response. :)

[MomzillaNC]

The whole rest of the poem maintained no discernible rhythm.

[MomzillaNC]

Basically, each stanza should have the same rhythm – i.e., syllables line for line with the first set of lines in the first stanza.

[mattavelli]

It's not monotonous, but there is rhythm to it. Haha

[MomzillaNC]

It's your poem

[mattavelli]

I know. I wrote it. Haha
You seemed like a good person to help me smooth out any bumps. Nvm :)

[MomzillaNC]

We're all here to offer constructive support. 😎

[Eugi]

Your piece sends an important message and I wish more people would see life as you do. My suggestion is "Good Decisions make Good Stories"

[mattavelli]

Hei, Eugi, thanks for reading and the suggestion. :)

[Eugi]

My pleasure.