Summer Morning

Pantoum form

My wife and son chase butterflies
in the mornings of summer days.
Beneath the South Florida skies,
I watch as my family plays.

In the mornings of summer days,
my worries glide off with the breeze.
I watch as my family plays,
while I relax beneath shade trees.

My worries glide off with the breeze.
They drift to join the building storm,
while I relax beneath shade trees,
on days when morning seems so warm.

They drift to join the building storm,
those pressures rattling their cage,
on days when morning seems so warm,
I wait for the thundering rage.

Those pressures rattling their cage,
where sea breeze meets the heat of day;
I wait for the thundering rage,
while all my cares just float away.

Where sea breeze meets the heat of day,
beneath the South Florida skies;
while all my cares just float away,
my wife and son chase butterflies.

Author's Note

This was my first attempt at the pantoum form. It took a while to get the ending how I wanted it. Please let me know what you think.

"PANTOUM

A poem in a fixed form, consisting of a varying number of four-line stanzas with lines rhyming alternately; the second and fourth lines of each stanza are repeated to form the first and third lines of the succeeding stanza, with the first and third lines of the first stanza forming the second and fourth of the last stanza, but in reverse order, so that the opening and closing lines of the poem are identical."
http://www.poeticbyway.com/

Reviews

[M. J. Smith]

Sometimes, finding beauty is as simple as pulling off the road and looking across the rolling hills for just a few moments. If we let her, Nature will show us what is most important in life: the simple things. Breathe, my friend. Beautiful images, wise thoughts, and an amazing setting. Loved it.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading! :)

[M. J. Smith]

You're welcome, Sir.

[sharonlee]

Bravo!
You mastered the pantoum perfectly and I thoroughly enjoyed the sweet innocence of your theme.
I've attempted pantoum from time to time... you have inspired me to try it again.

[mattavelli]

Great! I'd like to read it. :)

[Chris Shaw]

Well done you for experimenting with form. I have never tried a pantoum. This was uplifting, gave me some lovely visuals and a sense of happiness and contentment.

My wife and son chase butterflies.

Perfectly lovely. The lull before a storm.

Chris

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Christine! :)
If you write a pantoum, let me know. I'd like to read it.

[Chris Shaw]

.... you may have a long wait my friend. I am not as brave as you :)

[Shidare]

I never thought about having that ingenious pattern with your repeated lines across the stanzas and how they unite together💙 the resignation and peace you portray while aware of a coming storm is also beautiful as well. Thank you, precious one 💖.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Shidare, thanks for reading! :)
I've only written two pantoums. They are a puzzle to put together. If you write one, let me know. I'd like to read it.

[Roland Petrov]

Not sure if I commented on this poem in the past or not. It is really lovely, and I'm impressed with the tension and contrast you get between the carefree sunny day and the coming thunderstorm. Pantoum are not easy to write, so your first attempt is a huge success! Have you written any more of them?

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Roland! :)
I have one posted here, titled Pantoum, and a couple more that I've been playing with. These are real puzzles to make. I've been having fun with them.

[Stella Armour]

I love the pantoum form.... well done !

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading, Stella! :)

[Stella Armour]

My pleasure, there is a pantoum in my poems if you would like to read it sometime ..

[mattavelli]

Sure, I'll check it out. :)

[Stella Armour]

Great ... i hope you enjoy reading it :)

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Beautiful just love this thanks for entry into my competition good luck

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading, Julie! :)

[Chryiss]

I missed the opening two words describing this poem's form, so as I began reading I went, "Ah! I remember this type of poem!" and got very excited. Now I didn't remember the name of it, so I'm glad in your author's note (and realizing it said it in the description thereafter) that you explained the form.
From my sparse recollections of trying this poetic form many years ago, I remembered only this: it's hard maann. Getting it to flow refreshingly despite the repetition is more difficult than first imagined. Although, I suppose, it's also fun to choose lines and see how they connect in a new way in this form.
Anyway, you did marvelously. The repetition created a rhythm rather than a monotone. And the stanza with the two repeated lines felt like they were talking about something different from the previous one.
An yet by the end, it cycled all perfectly back to the beginning in a complete story.

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Chryiss! :)
This one started out as a fun write, then became a headache, haha, so it sat until the right spark popped in my head, a few months I think.

[lightsong]

There are those whom will give You the good criticism about the form, I'm unable to, but I can tell You that Your poem flew smoothly and sweetly, and to read a sweet poem from You is something new for me, it shows the variety of Your talent, You darw us into the moments of blissful happiness... there is nothing that makes one happy but to watch his loved ones happy.

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading, Light!
I know many of my poems are odd. I'll try to be more sweet. :)

[BlackPrince]

This poem is perfectly written.
You definitely are blessed with the power and talent of words.
The Pantoum is a form that I am yet to experiment with; and your pantoum would serve me as a perfect example for its flawless execution and style.
I love the way you capture your little family's daily life atmosphere in a such a brilliant way. The rhymes come naturally across, although as poet I know certain poems take longer to come together after much thinking. But the finished product always gives that joyful rewarding feeling.
The pantoum allows for much refrain, and I believe that it went well with the theme of family that you depict so naturally; for refrain here in this context adds familiarity just like family does.

MASTERPIECE!!!

WELL DONE

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading, BlackPrince! :)
Have you tried writing a pantoum?

[BlackPrince]

Not yet! But I will try

[Manu]

First of all, thank you for introducing this beautiful form of poetry. I was actually unaware about this style. Very beautifully written despite the restrictions you faced to follow that pattern. Very nice flow. Great rhythm and imagery too.
Overall this is one of the best pieces I have read here on the cafe. I really liked the theme of this one. I also liked the way you brought the family element into this poem.
Outstanding work, Sir :-)

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Gorthi! :)
A friend, here on the café, introduced this form to me.