Fog Above The Stream Of Time

For the deep thoughts contest

Perhaps we've got it worked out wrong,
our blinding eyes and deaf'ning ears;
distractions from the primal song,
as mortals ponder what appears,
what senses gather, and adheres
to what's been said and penned and read;
those squeaks of mankind's rusting gears,
so sure to seize in slamming dread
when steady time turns back and sneers. 

This mind that sparks inside my head
is fueled by maybes, faith, and doubt.
I pass the time, have known the dead,
and question what it's all about.
Do gods write poems to my life,
their rhymes of joy, refrains of strife...
or's all a ball of chaos thread
that whips around, its nooses rife...
Perhaps the clues have been misread.

Perhaps those questions buff the mirror,
make sense of all this sensual,
and give a sense of drawing near
the answer, so eventual,
so sure to comfort, like a friend,
so sure to hold me and defend
the tower of this vanity,
where views stretch wide and all's made clear
to stardust claiming sanity.

I ask you, reader - where's the soul...
Is mine a parcel or the whole,
or something fresh, beloved and true...
Does what's in me touch what's in you...

Perhaps my thought's a'twist in rhyme.
Perhaps my soul's the passing time.

Author's Note

Obscure enough?
Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Betty Hermelee]

Pretty obscure..but I’ll take a stab!
Are we talking about questions in our minds about the written word from God to noted writers? I think it’s healthy to question , period, because not everything is truthful,…what is truthful is in our soul, everything else is up for grabs…..
Best,
B.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Betty! :)
I'm questioning what the soul is, and suggest it may be time, and maybe time is a soul we all share.

[Betty Hermelee]

You’re very welcome Mat

[AliciaB]

I am deeply impressed by this poem. You display remarkable skill in terms of phrasing and rhyme, and yes, it is quite obscure - very much worthy of the title. :) Just a couple quick structuring things: in these lines, "as mortals ponder what appears, / what senses gather, and adheres / to what's been said...", I feel that, grammatically, it should be "adhere" instead of "adheres" (because we're talking about multiple "mortals".) I know that would mess up the rhyme a little, but if you're willing to settle for a near rhyme, I would recommend making that change - having solid grammar makes it even more impactful, I think. (And there is absolutely no shame in near rhyming.) Also, I might write "beloved" as "belov'd", as the way it's currently written makes me think of it as three syllables, which messes up the flow of that line. However, those minor details aside, this is overall an extremely well-written poem. Convoluted and thought-provoking, with some fantastic imagery. The paradoxes of "blinding eyes and deaf'ning ears" are very cool, as is the unique extended metaphor of "a ball of chaos thread." I also really like the wordplay in the line "make sense of all this sensual." There is some interesting alliteration sprinkled throughout, such as in "so sure to seize in slamming dread / when steady time turns back and sneers." My favorite lines, besides the "sense" one mentioned above, are "This mind that sparks inside my head / Is fueled by maybes, faith, and doubt" (nice play on the fire imagery with "sparks" and "fueled", and I very much relate to this); "to stardust claiming sanity" (nice alliteration, and very cool image - I love that line simply because it sounds awesome); and finally, "Does what's in me touch what's in you..." - because that is, really, the core purpose of what we as writers do. Overall, flawlessly constructed and brilliantly executed. Excellent work!

[mattavelli]

Hello, Alicia. :)
Thank you for reading and the suggestions.

[dan]

Matt, First of all, your rhyming is flawless, setting a fine rhythm and tone. As I was reading this it made me think of the types of thoughts that go thru my head as I am writing a poem. All these disconnected thoughts are framed by your artful writing to make all thoughts coalesce and mingle. Then as the poem is finished I read it again and all of those thoughts are now blended smoothly, a branch bearing truth.
Fantastic, Matt. take care...dan

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Dan. :)
I had fun making this one tricky to wrap your head around.
In the first stanza, I make a brief, glancing, mention of a "primal song", so I only sorta cheated. Haha

[dan]

I'm out of touch I guess; I don't know what the "primal song" reference means. To me it just meant a great line in a great write. take care...dan

[Lee Bakes]

"Does what's in me touch what's in you... " Oh it sure does. :) Although i will agree with Oydrin when I say that the poem is a tad bit too complex for me too because perhaps of the coktail of ideas here. There are almost too many things to process in one reading. Which is good and bad, i mean good in the sense that it is not something that is to be read and cast a side, you must apply yourself thoroughly but not so much bad as it is niche, in the sense that it may not be for everyone. It seems to come from some very deep part of you that is looking for answers and maybe if you gave it more structure and cut a few ideas the whole thing would be a rather telling tale.

[mattavelli]

Hey, ya, this one is confusing. Haha
But nobody has asked me what the point of it is, so I think I did ok.

[Oydrin]

Honestly had a hard time understanding the first parts of it (it's just me perhaps). Then again, I find it has a beautifully lingering and probing feel.

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Oydrin. :)

[andrew mitchell]

Thought provoking poem. A lot of work and detail has gone into this, in an excellent written poem.

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Andrew. :)

[Carolynn]

I love the title you gave this. It's definitely a deep, thought provoking topic so well done for the contest - I loved the creative style you used and the topic of the soul is one I ponder about often - so many thoughts, questions and interpretations :) really well done!

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Carolynn. :)
I don't usually put much thought into my titles. I'm proud of this one.

[V]

I don't think it reads entirely obscure but well for sure. The rhythm is nice as well as the crafting of your lines and ideas. A pattern like this is not easy to write and maintain throughout so many stanzas but you did it quite smartly. An entertaining read.

[mattavelli]

Thank you for reading and the feedback, Vanessa. :)

[The Realist]

Those who claim to not have a soul, but in replacement a hard facade are those who are too broken to pick up all the broken pieces that remain of their soul...
so that question,....
'wheres the soul?"
my personal answer....
its mixed with a pile of broken glass on the floor, and i dont know which pieces to pick up first...
Great write mattavelli.....
(btw, sorry about all that depressing stuff, but this work of yours had me wanting to spill everything)..

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Realist. :)
Go ahead and spill. It feels good. 🚵

[The Realist]

my pleasure Marravelli.... tempting..............but ive spilled enough throughout my work and im only just holding onto whatever sanity i have left. :) but if or when i MUST spill ill be sure to come to you.....

[The Realist]

if that's okay with you of course :)

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

A universal question: where or what is my soul? Good poem, Matt. It's a them that every good poet has to write about some time. You've done it with the usual high quality. Very well done. :) Rudi

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Rudi. :)
I've been enjoying your collection:
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Rudi/1742595/
I need to go back and leave comments. I've been a "rickety creep" haha

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

Thanks, Matt, interested to know what your comments are. :) Rudi

[.]

A worthy entrant in the deep thoughts contest, Mattavelli.

Nice rhyme, imaginative use of words and topped off with a thought- provoking theme.

A nice write.

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Doodley, last I checked, there were more than one hundred submissions to this contest. Somebody is going to get a headache. Haha