Fog Above The Stream Of Time

For the deep thoughts contest

Perhaps we've got it worked out wrong,
our blinding eyes and deaf'ning ears;
distractions from the primal song,
as mortals ponder what appears,
what senses gather, and adheres
to what's been said and penned and read;
those squeaks of mankind's rusting gears,
so sure to seize in slamming dread
when steady time turns back and sneers. 

This mind that sparks inside my head
is fueled by maybes, faith, and doubt.
I pass the time, have known the dead,
and question what it's all about.
Do gods write poems to my life,
their rhymes of joy, refrains of strife...
or's all a ball of chaos thread
that whips around, its nooses rife...
Perhaps the clues have been misread.

Perhaps those questions buff the mirror,
make sense of all this sensual,
and give a sense of drawing near
the answer, so eventual,
so sure to comfort, like a friend,
so sure to hold me and defend
the tower of this vanity,
where views stretch wide and all's made clear
to stardust claiming sanity.

I ask you, reader - where's the soul...
Is mine a parcel or the whole,
or something fresh, beloved and true...
Does what's in me touch what's in you...

Perhaps my thought's a'twist in rhyme.
Perhaps my soul's the passing time.

Author's Note

Obscure enough?
Please let me know what you think.

Reviews

[Betty Hermelee]

Pretty obscure..but I’ll take a stab!
Are we talking about questions in our minds about the written word from God to noted writers? I think it’s healthy to question , period, because not everything is truthful,…what is truthful is in our soul, everything else is up for grabs…..
Best,
B.

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Betty! :)
I'm questioning what the soul is, and suggest it may be time, and maybe time is a soul we all share.

[Betty Hermelee]

You’re very welcome Mat

[emipoemi]

Thought-provoking beyond description! Loved every line, the musicality sucked me in! Fantastic. I hate to break it to you that "sensual" is not a noun (and it's being used as a noun in the poem...."that's sensual" would make better sense....just a thought). Otherwise, fan-tas-tic! Well done!

[mattavelli]

Thank you, emi! :)
Haha, yes, I was being "poetic" with the word "sensual". If people can refer to things that they want as their "wants", then I can refer to things that are sensed as the "sensual". Haha

[emipoemi]

....ok, but that's a bit too obscure, for your clever neologism takes a word that's not grammatically a noun. "Wants" by that 's' is seen as a noun in its respective context. This context provides the pairing "this sensual"......which only tells the mind that some noun is missing to complete the thought. Which is why I suggested "that's sensual" instead.....(or figure out a different neologism).

[mattavelli]

Haha, but I'm refering to everything that is "of the senses".
If you dont get that from the text of the poem, then I've failed you. I enjoy playing with language, sometimes fitting it into its boxes, sometimes sneaking them in where they don't belong. There I go again. Haha

[emipoemi]

I'm not saying it's wrong to play with language. It's perfectly fine and advisable in poetry, but in order to play with it, you have to know the tricks of the language (how words are formed, and whatnot) to really make your readers understand what you're doing. With your explanations (in both your comments) I understand what you're doing, but what I'm telling you is: it might not come off as clear to other people on the first read (because the word you're using is more an adjective than a noun). If you want to neologize it, a suggestion would be "sensuality" (but understandably that won't complement the rhyme with "eventual")....so play with that is all I'm simply saying.

[mattavelli]

I understand your point, emi, but I'm not sure why you assume I'm missing some tricks. Sometimes when we see something neo it doesn't quite jive with our views of what is acceptable. I appreciate your suggestions. I'll keep them in mind if I ever decide this confusing poem needs more clarity. Thanks

[Einstein Noodle]

"to what's been said and penned and read;
those squeaks of mankind's rusting gears, "
really appreciate that ..and the peek inside the authors mind in the second verse makes this feel vulnerable .. a little Freud, so much behavior is sexual ..no doubt .. and i feel the relief of hope in the second part of the 3V .. so many differences ..yet need drawing together .. and you leave us with a breathtaking challenge .."where's the soul" ... i love it .. i can't think of anything more obscure (at the moment) than space and time .. they are relative ..and time not really in nature ;) you should have done better in the contest ..:)
E.

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Einstein! :)

[aLittlePain]

I'm floored my your seamless flow in rhyme, it's outstanding! Beautiful thought provoking words, I hope you placed. R xo

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Ray. :)
Do you have a soul?

[aLittlePain]

You're welcome, I'd like to think I have a soul :)

[Roland Petrov]

Brilliant! Another Mattavelli ballade triumph! Only a twisted rhyme could dare to suggest the absence of soul. With sparks inside my head and chaos in my......well, never mine; I do hope you won the deep thoughts contest with this one.

[mattavelli]

Thanks, Roland. :)
No, I didn't place in the contest. I'll keep trying. Haha

[Roland Petrov]

I entered the Alice in Wonderland story contest. As things tuned out, I was the only entrant who actually wrote a story (the rest wrote poems), and I didn't place either!

[Lorry]

Nice. What is thought, thinking of thought, the mind, the soul and the connections that we miss or haven't connected in the right way with to understand. It is like having all these parts that work for the most part, yet we have such little understanding of what essentially we are. It is always interesting to read others views and how their poetry unfolds into the structure it becomes. Maybe if we read enough wonderful poetry such as this is, then we might be able to join a few more of the dots in the never ending puzzle that we are. Personally, I hope the soul is eternal, for no particular reason other than it is a nice thought to think that it may one day be able to figure out what eludes us in this short space of time allotted to us. Brilliant work.

[mattavelli]

Thank you, Nemo! :)
Our minds are dependent on our senses and our senses are geared for finding mates and dinner. We're lucky we figure anything out. Haha
What experiences could reach a mind that has no senses? Could it have emotion?
WHen I die, my brain will go with me, no more senses. It's scary.

[Lorry]

It is indeed. Have you ever tread Elon Musk's opinion of it? sounds a little out there, but basically he thinks we are a programme from a superior race, left to run and play itself out, like a computer game. Some add to that and go as far to say we are our own programme...that is when I zoned out :)

[mattavelli]

I'll skip that one. :p
Someone said, the faster you move through space, the slower you move through time. Assuming that is true, perhaps all the stuff in the cosmos is just one spec of stuff that zips around so fast that it can be everywhere at the same time.

[Lorry]

Yeah, I prefer your answer too :)

[William Liston]

Obscure enough? I think so. I enjoy reading poems like this where the words are more felt than understood; it makes the writing almost dream-like. It's like the poem just reads itself, and the reader can just relax and let the poem take its course, as if the words themselves just carry the reader through its nuances of emotion. I loved reading this. I like how you paid attention to meter and rhyme in this. It's nice to see someone pay attention to the technical aspects of poetry. Well done.

-William Liston

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, William. :)
I enjoy giving my poems structure. It's boring for me to write without it. Here, I wanted to write about the soul, which religion describes as timeless. And, as we exist in time and space, with our physical forms constantly changing, it seemed that time itself makes a lovely soul.

[Wolf_Lord]

Love this line...Perhaps those questions buff the mirror. Obscure indeed... I had to read it three times. This is really well done. AlicaB made some very good points... Especially about the "beloved" as "belov'd" turning it into two syllables. It reads better that way. I was particularly struck by these lines as well. as mortals ponder what appears, what senses gather, and adheres.
You definitely have style my frn. Wolf ,'', ^@@^

[mattavelli]

Thanks for reading, Wolf!
I tend to count syllables and manage rhythm by the way I speak. For instance "mirror" counts as only one syllable, "beloved" as two. It's not ritualistic wedding speak. Haha
adjective be·loved bi-ˈləvd, -ˈlə-vəd, bē-
I didn't allow an grammar mistakes to pass my own edit. :)

[Wolf_Lord]

Essentially and technically you are correct... However, lol.. most people perceive the word beloved as (Be- Love- Ed) or three syllables. This is not a reflection on your editing nor any ability thereof... It is an Oxymoron, or actually a mispronunciation or a misnomer that is prevalent in the the English language. It is a very minor detail about an awesome work however.
I really did enjoy this. Wolf ,'', ^@@^ ,'',

[mattavelli]

Thank you again, Wolf! :)
Haha, seems to me that I shouldn't change it if it's right. I try to use simple language in my writing, so it's more easily understood... Wider audience and such, but I'm not going to hold their hands and walk them through pronunciation. Haha
Thanks again!

[JBoone]

Well done. This is pure art. You are brilliant. A true gift.