The Darkness

Fate has chosen Death...

        Avis stared at the old man in horror as the seemingly weak and harmless killed his master with one rapid blow. The next thing he knew, the knife was aimed toward his neck. The old man stared at Avis's eyes. The unusual man's eyes blinded his sight. Avis slowly and cautiously raised his arms up in a sign of surrender.

        "I-I-I surrender," stammered Avis. Horrified by the idea of a blade stabbed in his own heart. 

        "Oh do you now," and slid the knife deeper into the neck, making a tear of blood trickle out of his neck. 

        "Yes," Avis gasped. "I swear!"

        "Well, well, well," he had assumed the young man would be one of the man's comrades but he did look he had no weapons with him and he looked quite young and harmless. Yet still you couldn't judge its book by its cover......"

        "Swear on your life?" and he dug the knife a little deeper making a river of blood flow down his chest. 

        "I-I swear! I swear on my life." Avis stammered. His voice was barely audible. 

        The old man let out a deep sigh. Young men were always like this. Then, he reverted the knife backwards and sheathed it.

        "Don't cause any trouble." The old man commanded. "Who is in the building?"

        Avis rapidly raked through his memory to find the answer. "The guards that bought you in are here......Sir-my lord. The chef and his slaves are in the kitchen and the other slaves are in their dormitories my Lord."

        The old man simply nodded and walked through the door without further speaking. Avis stared at the master's killer as he staggered out the door. As the superficially vulnerable man was out of sight, Avis thought for a moment. The man, the murderer had killed his master therefore the slave, or in this case he would be severely punished. Only one and only punishment was to be. Death.

        His heart sank deep as the horrific thought materialized inside his head. Avis instantaneously began to file through his mind searching for some solution, any solution to pop into his mind. 

        Nothing, no fabulous or disastrous idea popped into his mind for the next few minutes. His thoughts raced as panic engulfed him. Then, one solution, one crazy, mad thought occurred to him. He would follow the Killer.

*                         *                         *

        The wind and rain blinded his sight as Avis proceeded fiercely against the wailing wind. He wrapped himself tighter with the old, tattered cloak he had stolen from the janitor's closet. Yet still he was hurtled back by the enormous heave of the air. A small horse Avis had stolen from the stable trotted beside him. He had no knowledge of riding horses, and he was reluctant to take the risk of accidentally falling down and bruising himself. A few minutes ago, he had fetched all that was needed and no more to rapidly dart away. He knew the old man at least 30 minutes ahead of him. The old man was his last and only small seed of hope for survival. The old man would lead him to his family. Befriending him would be unlikely. All he had to do was follow him out of the treacherous storms. As Avis wondered what he should do he barely saw a small shadow in the fathom less rain. 

        His heart full of refreshed hope, rushed to the that was already fading into the darkness. Avis knew that he could not catch up on his own feet and he would be tossed back until the mysterious elder would be 3 hours ahead of him. Avis hesitated as he began to ride on the brown beast. Then, Avis hurriedly went on the horse and grabbed the reins. The horse, alarmed by the sudden weight heaved on top of her, started neighing fiercely. The horse attempted to yank Avis out of her back and started pelting herself ferociously to get Avis out of her saddle. Avis held on for dear life as he accidentally slapped the horse. The horse abruptly reared up and accelerated with tremendous speed as Avis barely hung on to the horse. 

        The shadow neared closer as he strained to catch a glimpse of the old man. It indeed was the old man, soaking wet from the flood of rain. His own horse, a small black one, was trotting toward the empty darkness. Avis shed into the shadows as he realized he was too close to the unknown man and the noise of the of Avis's horse might have alerted him. 

        Unexpectedly, the cloaked rider halted. His heart skipped a beat. Panic engulfed him like a wave as he pondered if the rider had spotted him. A smack ignited the sky as the mysterious man took off into the darkness. 

        The night was unusually silent for a few seconds. Avis heard a small pitter-patter noise that was barely audible. Avis dismissed the noise as a dripping raindrop and continued urging his own horse to step onward. As Avis trotted through the darkness his eyes darted around the pathway, desperately searching for any evidence of the man. The rhythmic noise grew louder that as Avis moved slowly then, he briskly recognized the sound. Avis swung himself in horror to find himself in a deep stare of the cloaked man, armed with a deadly dagger pointed straight into his beating heart.

Reviews

[OfDeathandLove]

Ahh! Why another amazing cliffhanger! You really know how to excite the reader. Once again, you also showed a great sense of imagery. However, some of the words, phrases or sentences took away from the description, rather than adding to it. This book seems really cool so far, and I would like to see it through to its publishing. Hence, my revisions.



No need to repeat "raised his arms as a sign of surrender. 'I-I-I surrender'. " You can leave out the first part.

"he did look he had no" this part doesn't make sense. You probably meant to put a "like" in between "look" and "he".



"dormitories my lord" there should be a comma after dormitories. Also, if he's referring to the man as "lord" because of a possible title, it should be capitalized.

"The man, the murderer had killed his master therefore the slave, or in this case he would be severely punished. Only one and only punishment was to be. Death." This part makes no sense to me. Maybe a tweak here or there could help it.

"He would follow the Killer." Uncapitalize killer.

"Fathom less" should be one word.

"rushed to the that was already fading into the darkness" doesn't make sense.

"Avis hesitated as he began to ride on the brown beast. Then, Avis hurriedly went on the horse and grabbed the reins" If he had began to ride on the beast, wouldn't he already be...on the beast?

"out of her back" Off her back?

"Unexpectedly, the cloaked rider halted. His heart skipped a beat." This part can be confusing as to whose heart skipped a beat. Try replacing "his" with "Avis's"

"A smack ignited the sky" Huh? What is "smack" supposed to mean in this context? (probably lightning? If so, you can just replace it with lightning, it won't change the emotion.)

"Avis heard a small pitter-patter noise that was barely audible" for some reason "Avis heard a barely audible pitter-patter noise" seems to flow better.