The Sad and The Desperate

A Story by Marauder

This is a short story for a school assignment on Intertextuality so if there are lyrics that are familiar with you they're probably the references.

It is 12:51 and the sky is hiding most of its stars, not wanting them to be a part of a night full of teenage hormones and pent-up energy.

I’m standing before the back door, fumbling inside my bag for the right key, my hair still wild and messy from all the times he ran his hands through it and my lips still red and sore. I was so focused on trying to make my way to my room without anyone waking up and learning why I wasn't there in the first place, I almost didn't notice the letter.

It was sitting on the window sill with a single daisy and words written by the strong steady hands of a baker. To the Raddest Girl I Knew, it says right at the back of the envelope. The familiar scrawl made me stop and think of the one person who would use those words to describe me, and the thought was making me burn with shame.

Gingerly, I started opening the letter. I read every line carefully, slowly taking in everything, every word inked in that piece of paper started to unravel and destroy me.

My Dearest November,
I know you’re standing there in the middle of the night, tired and restless. I also know why and I know that this has been the third time.
Call it what you want but I've seen it all before. I know I’m not the only one. I know there are nights when you become bored and kiss guys in bars and parks, looking for strangers to love. Guys who are not me, who I can never. I tried to do it right, I tried to be what you want but still it was not enough, still you wanted more and so you went looking for it.
I didn't want to be that guy, the one who stares up your house in the middle of the night, the one who follows you to bars, the one who can’t sleep at night because he’s thinking about you the wrong way, and now I am. But November, I forgive you. We’re young and it’s okay, I know you’re confused and restless, and I forgive you. You can cut me down and cut me open and I’ll forgive you. I know I should just leave because I know where this leads but I just can stop thinking about you and I. I’ll forgive you a thousand times over because I’m in love with you ever so desperately and I can do nothing about it.
I forgive you and I’ll be waiting and I’ll be patient. I’ll wait for you until all the trees turn gray, until all the flowers lose their place, until the whole sky is falling, until the world is ending and I’ll be dead and gone, I’ll still wait for you then. I know this is wrong and I’m just making this hard for the both of us but I can do nothing about it. And while you aren't mine, I’ll wash my hair in your shampoo, I’ll watch your films so I’ll know you through and through, and I’ll smoke your cigarettes so that I’m dying too and I’ll stay in love.
It’s killing me, the things that you can do to me without even trying but I regret nothing because if we only die once, I’ll choose to die with you, to die for you, to die because of you, over and over.

Yours Only,
Rush

I held the letter in my hand shaking. I try to fight the tears welling up in my eyes but it was futile. His words just kept replaying in my head, rendering every one of my heartstrings ready to break.

Rush was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was good when the whole world wasn't, he saved me from myself. He was understanding, thoughtful, spectacular and extraordinary. He gave me all his heart and soul, he did the worst thing he could ever do, he loved me but I just couldn't love him right. I betrayed him to a guy so insignificant. I can’t even remember his face from last night, just a glimpse of a blonde and a roll of a tongue but I swear I can’t even remember his taste. I've been so stupid, so callous and so cold. I know this night will fill my head with guilt and regret and I’ll wake each day with these thoughts.

My feet slowly started to leave the steps leading to my house and began to move towards a direction it has gone so many times that it was just a reflex. Gradually, they gained speed and before I knew it, I was running; my lungs burning and filling up with the cold night air, my urgent steps echoing through the empty streets, and my heart almost bursting through my chest because of the adrenaline and the whirl of emotions inside of me. I want to see him, though I know I don’t deserve it, I want to see him.

Tired and panting, I walked to one of the many benches lining the one street in our city overlooking the sea, the one with the most beautiful view of the sunrise, the one with the silhouette of the young boy with dark hair, wondrous eyes and a heart bigger than his hands.

“If I start blurting out a pathetic excuse for an apology, will you listen?” I shouted at him, at the night and at the sea.

“Always!” he shouted back and then patted the space beside him.

I sat, reached for the thermos under us and poured myself a cup of coffee like I have done so many times before. After a few sips, I looked at him and the torrent of words just came rushing past my lips.

“I know I've made a big mistake and even if I apologize I know I’ll never quite convince you. I've hurt you on so many levels and given you wounds that time may never heal. I know all these and still all I have is sorry and the promise that I’ll change, pathetic, I know but I can’t think of anything else.” Waterfalls have started to come down from my eyes then, making my coffee salty and my words barely understandable, but I didn't care though, I just kept rumbling on. “I’m not like you, with your words, with your perspective and with your loyal kind heart. I’m just me, disastrous and destructive. I know you needed love but all I had was danger. I wish I could come back and redo everything but I can’t. I know I don’t deserve anything, specially you but I’ll do anything to make up for everything I've done, I’ll give you the sun, the moon and I’ll steal all the stars of the universe for you. I’m sorry Rush, I’m so so so sorry.”

“November, it’s alright, I’m alright, I’m okay. I've already forgiven you haven’t I? And you’re wrong, you deserve everything and more. And you don’t have to give me anything, not the sun, not the moon, not the stars, that’ll just make your universe dull and lifeless and I don’t want that to happen especially when we could just share them, right?”

“But that’s what I don’t understand. How can you forgive me after all I've done? I've been horrible, after all your cakes, your smiles, your laughs, your coffees and your unusual adventures, I've been horrible. You should just save yourself from this tragedy, run for your life.”

“It’s because you’re restless, careless, uncertain, unafraid, majestic, glorious and beautiful. Because I’m desperately in love with you and I can do nothing about it.”

Then we sat there in silence, sipping our coffees, thinking about our fun and tragic fiasco, two broken souls, mine a little sad and his a little desperate, waiting for the sun to come up the horizon and set the sky on fire.

Intertextual References

Songs:

12: 51 by Krissy and Erika

Naked and Dumb by The Royal Concept

It’s Okay by Coin

I Know I’m Not the Only One by Sam Smith

Bad Habit by The Kooks

Doubt by bad Veins

Paris by Pegasus Bridge

Style by Taylor Swift

Like Dogs by Pegasus Bridge

Fa La La by The Kooks