untitled.

The sun has just begun to rise.

A new day has begun,
and all I can think is damn, I'm still alive.

 

I take a look around,
and notice my room has turned into a shrine of bad decisions and lousy attempts.

The window is covered with sheets to keep the light out,
yet in spite of my best efforts there is a small stream of light that seeps through.

Reminding me of a life that I use to embrace instead of trying to destroy.
Empty bottles of booze liter the floor.
Some of them have been there for weeks, but I don't plan on picking them up.
Cigarettes cover the only ash tray I own,
but I still find myself lighting another one.
My pipe, my baby, is lying on the box I use for a night stand.
It's cashed. Owell, I have more. Somewhere.

I have a slight headache from last night,
but I can fix that with a few more aspirin then necessary and a beer to top it off.
It is only Saturday which means I have the weekend to spend in a drug induced numbness until Monday, if I make it past this weekend.

I will. I always do.

I have been down this road many times before, yet I'm still here chatting away.
But, I do have some assurance that one day this will catch up with me.
The drinking until I can't drink anymore.
Taking another hit until I simply can't remember no more.

It'll catch me. At least I hope it does.

 

I know this isn't the way to live, nor should I be so dead set on dying at such a young age.

I'm a waste of precious space. I know.

I'm not in denial.

I just don't see why should I keep living?

What is the purpose of living when you have nothing to live for?

I lost my world.

 

The truth is, I use to want to live.

I would even get excited over the silliest of things.

I was happy.

I guess I was just to happy, so the universe decided to snatch it away.

 

I could take my life with a simple razor,

or even a rope...but for some reason I can't do it.

I've tried, and failed. I didn't even get close to seeing my life flash before my eyes

Before I would panic, and decided against it.  

I will just have to settle for passive way instead of diving head first.

 

I'm crazy. I know.

For the record, I use to be different.

I use to not be so damn useless.

A lot has changed since then--as cliche as that is it's true.

The only solace I seem to find anymore is that I know soon my time will come.
One day I know I won't wake up, and that day can't come soon enough.
And until then I'll settle for another drink...

 

Author's Note

it not coming out like it is my head....something is missing or not clicking.