chapter one: the tower of wizards

our first look into the isles. here we meet the young apprentice Andrew and see a religious faith mentioned

Thomas looked around at the new surroundings that he saw. He had no idea where he was or how he had arrived in this very strange place. It didn’t look like anywhere he had been for scout camps, it didn’t look like anywhere on a post card. He looked around for a boat or some sign that he was brought here or kidnapped or both, it looked like he was the only one at this coast. 

After a while Thomas decided that the best thing to do was to go on his way and into the woods and looks for a road or a village nearby, this was a coast after all maybe some holiday makers were about to catch the ways or ‘get away from the city life’. He walked up the dirt road that led up towards the forest.

It was not as dark as it had looked from the coast as was quite warm and comforting which strangely reminded him of the summer camps he had been on as a kid. He took off his jacket and tied it around his waist, he walked through the thick vines and tall giants that gave him shade from the sun light.

The walk trenched on for a while until he came across a teenager running while though the woods at break neck speed, faster than any human being should, including those who wear robes. He was being chased by a dark figure riding a house catching up with him. Thomas natural urges seemed to kick in and he raced after the two.

After a long while of running further into the forest he noticed a huge tower though the clearing a couple of miles off. They had been running for a while until a huge fireball came flying at him. He dodged just in time to see it scorch a tree. He looked up with the dark figure stopping and addressing the boy with a disappointed tone in his voice. 

‘Really young apprentice, how are you going to defeat your attacker when you can’t even aim your spells right? Imagining your scrolls falling into dangerous hands then you’re in trouble.’

Thomas was surprised at how he addressed the kid. The boy could not be older than 17 years old, long flowing blonde hair and a lanky looking face. 

The boy seemed too to be acting out of character, he got up looking grim. ‘im sorry sir, im just having trouble channeling the energy.’ 

‘You’re going to have to try my boy.’ The knight took off his helmet to reveal a sweat drenched grey haired face. ‘once you have learnt to harness your power can you hope to enter the doors of the university.’ 

Thomas amazed at the convocation as the reality of what it was creped in left another question. Where did the fireball come from? But he had a good idea judging by the convocation. He decided to apache the strange pair slowly, it took a while before the boy in the robe noticed him coming. 

‘Good day sir.’ He addressed politely ‘are you looking for someone?’ 

Thomas looked for words to form his question but it came out in a mumble, the boy looked confused while the black knight seemed to have gone off somewhere. Where Thomas wasn’t sure neither did he pay attention.

‘I want to know where I am’ Thomas finerly said when his courage seemed to return at last. 

The boy looked at him quite surprised and laughed ‘How can you not know, you on the arcane island, just  few miles off the isles. I mean the big tower is quite a clue.’

‘look, sorry mate im not sure how to put this but’ Thomas paused for a while while trying to find the right way to say how he had arrived to the arcane island wherever that was. ‘I kind of just got transported here from my flat.’ 

The young apprentice’s look changed to that of concern ‘transported? How where you transported if I might ask?’

Thomas explained about being at home and the butterfly’s coming though his flat and then just arriving at the shores.

The wizard seemed to ponder for a while before saying. ‘come with me, I think I know what brought you here.’ 

Thomas agreed and they set off towards the tower. Once they had cleared Thomas saw the tower, wider than a light house and tall enough to reach the clouds. The tower looked like it was fine of the finest marble and carved with exquisite love. They made their way up a majestic stair case towards grand oak doors. 

The inside of the tower was like a palace filled with golden with golden statues of gods and goddesses and with boos and runes carved and placed on walls. Thomas has never seen anything like it. Their where strange elfs, imps, rock people, big headed monsters roaming around the hall, Thomas had the strange feeling that he had seen these creatures before in lost daydreams. 

Then the young apprentice spoke ‘I’m Andrew by the way, the apprentice wizard.’

Thomas introduced himself as well. Andrew seemed fascinated by the style of cloths that Thomas was wearing. 

‘what sort of mage wears those cloths?’ he asked at last.

Thomas looked at what he was wearing. It wasn’t that odd he thought, a iron maiden t-shirt with jeans and trainers couldn’t be that strange. 

‘I’m not a mage Andrew’ he said a little unsure how to combat the question thown at him ‘this is what people where I come from wear most of the time.’ 

‘It’s a good thing then I guess’ Andrew said with a smile ‘a wizard who wears cloths like yours is either an adventurer or an henchman so its good to know that you are neither.’ 

Andrew walked Thomas up a flight of stairs trying to piece together what was going on. Transported to another world, wizards exist, strange creatures from fantasy are roaming freely and he was mistaken for a evil mage. 

Andrew led him into a church with a gold painted statue of a young ten year old girl, in a gown and wearing a crown. The statue hung in midair by magic Thomas guessed. An Altar was ahead with a book on top of it, the book looked unlike any other bible Thomas had seen before but on it was a name. 

THE NEVERENDING STORY.

Andrew called out for a Father Magus while Thomas when to check some of the painting on the walls, a canvas showed a young boy riding a white house though a field away from a white tower. Just then a voice came up from behind him, he jumped round see a butler with ghost white hair and a glasses looking at him perplexed, almost analyzing him. 

Author's Note

rough first chapter. what does everyone think? be honest. it may sounds simple in terms of fantasy but planning to add new layers of the world on as we carry on the story

Reviews

[Ama May Cooper]

First sentance is a little odd, you would assume if someone is looking at there surroundings it is what they saw... so in a way its a little bit repeatitive consider removing that he saw.

First paragraph - Nice start. Describe it more, what is the coast like, what is around him, why is it different from a normal coast? , Nice idea i like the way were plunged straight into the action and are given the same information as the protoganist as this further grips the reader.

Second paragraph - Where did the woods come from?
After a while Thomas decided that the best thing to do was to go on his way and into the woods and looks for a road or a village nearby, this was a coast after all maybe some holiday makers were about to catch the ways or ‘get away from the city life’- There is no punctuation in this and the sentence reads a little odd - After a while Thomas decided the best thing to do was to venture into the woods, and look for a nearby road or village. This was a coast after all he thought to himself, maybe some holiday maker's were about to catch some waves, or 'get away from the city life' as they so affectionately called it. - Consider describing the woods within this, it is a brilliant oppurtunity to get in some rather creative description espically as this is a fantasy piece.

Third Paragraph - *as it was
*comma after comforting
What was this journey like? Did he struggle or was it an easy trek? How is your character feeling?

Fourth paragraph - Trenched dosen't seem to fit consider changing. I was a little confused here, is it the teenager that is running or him the while would make you feel that the protagonist is the one running. But from the description afterwards i would assume it is the teenager. Ensure that this is clearly presented.

Fifth Paragraph - You have already told us they have been running for a while in the first sentence, there is no need to re inform in the following one.


The boy seemed too to - Remove first too
*‘only once you have learnt to harness your power can you hope to enter the doors of the university.’

Half way through and the story idea is brilliant i can see great promise within your character, although i do feel you need to develop him more, add his feelings in a little so we get a feel for who he is and what kind of person he is.

What does convocation mean? Never come across the word before.

*Approach the strange pair

*‘I want to know where I am?’ - Do not forget question marks , exclamation marks within the bracket.

How does Thomas feel about the news of his location? Remember to include the fantasy the description, the whole beauty of it being fantasy is that you have no limits, let your creativity run bounds in creating this fantastic world. I know you stated there will be more layers to it later, but you need them in the beginning, you need to set the scene, and bring the reader into teh world alongside your protagonist.

*Once they had cleared Thomas saw the tower - Once they had cleared what?
*made of the finest
Is your protagonist not nervous? Anxious?
I still feel your character has alot of development to show us , i dont really know him or feel connected to him.
*clothes in all cases just gonnna write the one correction though
*thrown

Describe the surroundings, this tower, what is it like on the inside. Are there ancient staircases winding from the ceiling , do they creak? Is it cold in the building? Give us some feel for the surrounding, as i said before fanasty is the most exciting of things to write, because there are no limits, so let your imagine run wild, let us see the images you are seeing in your head as you write them.

Im unsure about hte refrence to strange creatures. Not that there may not be many later on in your story but at this point there has been no mention of any creatures of any odd creation... so why would the protagonist be so confused of there presence.. unless you include them in the surroundings, you could add that in with description , maybe describe the natural eco system , the animals and creatures that Thomas can see.

Brilliant start. Filled with a great many ideas to branch off and develop. Im rather fond of this new character Father Magus. And toward the end i start to get a feel for your main character although there is more description needed to truely feel a part of the story.

Nice and pleasnt read. Enjoyable and interesting.. i look forward to seeing the fhinshed piece, and which you luck in the competition :)

[Martin Alexander O'leary]

cheers hun. sorry it took so long to reply. glad you like it, seems to be the general feedback from others along with grammer and spelling. when it comes to the real thing may use dragon program as can solve the spelling problem and write the story faster

[Ama May Cooper]

What on earth is the dragon program lol?

[Martin Alexander O'leary]

dragon natural speaking. dictation softwear. is useful for us dyslexic's

[Ama May Cooper]

lol would you believe i am a fellow dyslexic :P

[Martin Alexander O'leary]

yes i would ^^ it use t obe bad for read at snails pace and couldnt even write a sentence lol

[Ama May Cooper]

Ive managed to train myself aslong as its not with proof-reading or numbers.

[Martin Alexander O'leary]

same. still cant do maths to save my life so glad not doing that again haha