Dreamers Dream

My drama monologue

Last night I saw her, she was stunning, her eyes were the shining blue of sapphire. Her hair felt like flowing silk. I got closer and I smelt her sweet perfume take the air from my lungs, then I felt her smooth breath flow over my face. I turned for a brief moment to get a mint, it’s sharpness pierced my tongue. I turned back and the sweet perfume was gone and was replaced with the smell of sewage from a leaking pipe and my dream was over and is was replaced by my harsh reality. I felt the dampness of my green mattress as I rested upon in it. The sound of dripping from the burst drain, and the slowing, repetitive beat  of my heart took me back to my perfect world.

 

Reviews

[Ross Copping]

Who's the girl Jake???

[jasmine_x]

woh, that's actually really good, i was pretty into it and wanted to read more!!
nice one jake! x

[Sherratt133]

and again...Nice

[[KL]]

Another good write from the Jake Marsh.. Looking forward to seeing more :)

[Craig Bates]

I'd say it definitely reads better all in the same tense. I've been told it's one of the most common mistakes that inexperienced writers make so I'd always be on the lookout for it (but use it if you think it improves the writing!).

Other things I might point out:- the repetition of breath in the space of one sentence doesn't feel quite right to me. It may do to you though so I'd read it over and see what you think. I'd also think about punctuating that first line (maybe 'Last night I saw her, she was stunning, her eyes were the shining blue of sapphire) as it feels strange without any pauses.
Keep reading, keep writing, keep learning =)

[Craig Bates]

Interesting little piece.
I liked the way you parallel the beating heart with the dripping, I think that imagery works quite well.
Is the shift from past (I felt her smooth breath) to present (I turn for a brief moment) then to a kind of mixed tense (my dream was over and is replaced) intentional? If not then I think some exercises in controlling tense would be something really good to try out, maybe try writing the whole thing sticking to the same tense, vary it and see what effect it has.
If it is intentional, I'm not sure what I think to the effect, particularly that final mid-sentence change. The general shift from past to present is fine but the third one feels a little clumsy. I don't know, read it over and see what you think.
Anyways, thanks for the read and welcome to the cafe =)