Hilarious piece by John Cleese

ALERTS TO FINANCIAL AND MILITARY THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

 

 By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):

 

 The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria

 and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to

 "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

 "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not

 been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran

 out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

 Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning

 level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

 The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

 the B******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they

 have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

 The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

 alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France

 are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent

 fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing

 the country's military capability.

 

 Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"

 to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

 Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

 The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"

 to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

 levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat

 they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

 These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish

 navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

 Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to

 "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I

 think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is

 cancelled." So far no situation has ever

 warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

 A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting

 aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

Reviews

[Marshal Gebbie]

Should anyone take offence at this piece Marie...they really need to reapraise their values... in perhaps learning to laugh at themselves ???

[Marie]

This is really funny. A bit cheeky perhaps...or should I reais that to the level of "someone might take offense at this, bur probably not...?"

[Marshal Gebbie]

John Cleese starred in an old British comedy series called "Fawlty Towers".
As an old hotelier, I owned and operated a tourist accommodation/restaurant/adventure business for 30 years, please let me assure you that all of the hilarious scenarios in Fawlty Tower.... WERE ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!
I used to roll around on the carpet, busting a gut with roaring laughter, because this show was consistantly, so close to the mark. I still watch the re-runs all these years later...and still nearly pee myself with glee!!