alone

More ideas than a story

I feel so alone. Like there is no one to turn to. There are so many people who claim to ‘be there’ but never are. This is not necessarily their fault; I will be the first to admit that I despise the thought of asking for help, admitting a problem, especially something so airy fairy as feelings. However those that claim to be there shouldn’t be, they are not my closest friends, and I do not divulge my deepest darkest secrets to them or visit them just to say hi. All I have left are the people I party with, the people I went to school with and those that are more acquaintances than friends. I seem so friendly, FB is full of pictures and comments from those on my friends list. Yet I sit here feeling empty, looking at my phone, searching through my contacts and blindly opening dating sites. It is not a partner that I am seeking, it is not a life long love, relationship and companion. It is the feeling of being wanted and needed, being more than a number in some ones phone, an addition to the hundreds of friends that they have accumulated, collected. How did I become so isolated? I am a good person, I am funny and kind, I will give you time and anything in me. Generosity has been called my fault. However I am selfish and lazy, I dislike conflict and often pick the easy way out rather than fighting for what I want. This is probably my fault, that I kept them all at a distance, that those friends outside my bubble never made it further in. When I have found those that showed me the kindness I wanted, did I let it go at the first sight of effort.

 

Am I even worth fighting for? Shouldn’t those that know me, realize that I need persuasion and nurturing and I will hide at every opportunity. If you can see me enough to know these things, then can’t you fight when I run? Can’t you ask me to turn around and return to you?

 

I have no one to call mine. The last of my people, the ones who I did turn to, have left. Moved on with their lives, and started afresh. How wonderful they are, and how pleased I am that they are happy and content. Yet here I will stay. Waiting for my turn. If there is even a point.