General Patton's Social Media Speech

What if social media had existed during WWII? General Patton's speech might have gone thusly.

General Patton’s Social Media Speech

 

 

       Men, the enemy b******s have been posting lies on their Facebook walls and it’s a damned disgrace to the gods of war. Emperor Commodus stated to his Roman soldiers that lies, gossip and innuendo drip from the enemy’s lips like foam from a diseased dog’s mouth. Soldiers, every morning I awaken with the knowledge that you and I will be spilling the blood of the enemy, going through them like crap through a goose. Listen up! Americans love the sting of battle and will never shrink from savaging the enemy, retaliating against their tweets and cyber-strikes with a devastating flurry of pokes, tweets and postings. We will confuse these b******s by turning their lies back on them full-force. Men, we’re well aware that the risks of war are high with a scum-sucking enemy that blocks us, de-friends us, and uploads their filth onto YouTube. But don’t forget: the thought of losing is hateful to Americans. Remember that, next time you open a Facebook app you thought was a gift from a friend and find it contains a hidden virus.

 

      Soldiers, we’re not just going to de-friend and shoot the enemy, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to line our laptop cases. We’re going to tweet-bomb those lousy b******s by the bushel! They are the enemy! Wade into them! Spill their blood! Jack with their profile pages! When you put your hand…into a pile of goo…that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what emoticon to send. You’ll know what to tweet.

 

     And soldiers: all this business about holding our position is a bunch of commie crap. We’re not going to hold anything except the enemy.  We’re going to hold him by the nose and we’re gonna poke him. We’re gonna cyber-poke him in the a*s until gushers of sad emoticons come spilling out of his damned entrails!

 

     Together we will trash the walls and twitter accounts of the enemy! We will barrage the invaders with vicious tweets. We will rain down terror and viruses on the poor b******s until they surrender. By God, we will deactivate the accounts of every last enemy b*****d to the point where they won’t be able to open a f*****g account! We aren’t going to die for a cause! Hell, no!  We want those poor enemy b******s to die for their idiotic cause!

 

     You sons of b*****s know how I feel. I would be honored…to lead you wonderful soldiers into battle… anytime…anywhere. That is all.