New Home Defense Systems

The Home Protection Tiger is guaranteed to keep you and your family safe from intruders...or is it?

New Home Defense Systems

 

SALLY: Look honey, it comes with a moat and a remote draw bridge.

TED: Cool! The moat remote.

SALLY: Do you think the alligators really do keep out the bad guys.

TED: That’s what they say. Since guns are illegal now, they’ll have to. We can ask some questions, though.

SALLY: Excuse me, are you a realtor?

REALTOR:  Yes. It’s nice to meet you.

TED: I’m Ted and this is my wife, Sally. I was just wondering, if we purchased a home like this, with the moat and remote draw bridge, would it be possible to stock it with piranhas instead of alligators…or would the HOA have a problem with that?

REALTOR: Absolutely.  You’d just need to get a different permit. Every moat predator has its own permit.

TED: I see.

REALTOR: There’s also a two-hour course at the Wildlife Department you’ll need to take.

SALLY: Alligators are included with all moats, right? 

REALTOR: Yes, every moat comes with two alligators. If you want more than two or  a different predator, there are additional fees.

SALLY: The alligators work pretty well?

REALTOR: Oh yes, they’re a great deterrent. Once the federal gun ban went into effect, the great minds of the real estate world got together with government and concluded that, with alligators, you get the best bang for your buck.

TED: Best bite for your buck.

REALTOR: (laughing) Exactly. But like anything, there isn’t a 100% success rate. We do offer upgrades to enhance security. The next step up is what we call the Second Line, which is basically adding a land predator. So, if an intruder gets past the alligators, there are other home-defense options. The most popular land predator is the HPT: Home Protection Tiger.

SALLY: Did you hear that honey? Our own tiger if we upgrade. Is there a danger of a tiger harming the residents?

REALTOR: Not at all; each tiger is scent-trained to every resident in the home. Also, the HPT is secured in an electrically-fenced pen which can be opened with a remote switch.

TED: That’s incredible. Okay, let me play devil’s advocate. What if an intruder gets through the moat, past the alligators…or piranhas…and manages somehow to take out the tiger?  I’m talking a really determined bad guy…what then?

REALTOR: The next step in security is called the Last Line. This is the home-protection poisoned-dart system. Poison-tipped darts and blow tubes are secured in a glass case near the front of the home, similar to how fire extinguishers are housed in public buildings.

TED: Awesome. I guess I need to ask you this: what if the intruder has a gun?

REALTOR: Then it doesn’t look very good for you.

TED: …