Ugly Secretary Service

Could ugly secretaries be the solution to the quandary of the jealous wife? Maybe..

Ugly Secretary Service

 

U.S.S. OWNER: (on phone) We fill a niche market: ugly secretaries for businessmen with jealous wives. We also cater to men who’ve been unfaithful and are in the process of trying to restore their marriage. Those two groups comprise 95% of our demographic.

MR. BOGSWELL: I see…what’s the other 5%?

U.S.S. OWNER: People with an ugly fetish.

MR. BOGSWELL: A what?

U.S.S. OWNER: Ugly fetish; guys who are into ugly women. I know, it’s weird.  I’ll leave it at that.

MR. BOGSWELL: Alrighty.

U.S.S. OWNER: We can’t address every contingency, but let me just say this: we haven’t had a single complaint in eleven years.

MR. BOGSWELL: That is impressive. I have a question though: when you say ugly, what do you mean…fat?

U.S.S. OWNER: Could be fat, could be something else; acne, pattern baldness, deformities,  bad dentition.

MR. BOGSWELL: Dentition?

U.S.S. OWNER: Teeth. There’s nothing that says ugly like  bad teeth.

MR. BOGSWELL: If I have a choice, I think I’d prefer a fat one. My wife knows I am completely turned-off by fat women.

U.S.S. OWNER: I’ll see who we have available for tomorrow. What time do you need her….or him? We have male secretaries, too. However, we have a shortage on males at the present time.

MR. BOGSWELL: 8am…2532 Dearborn St. By the way, I just want say that I take my vows very seriously. I would never cheat on my wife. This is her issue. She’s got some major baggage.

U.S.S. OWNER: No explanations needed, Mr. Bogswell.

(At 8am a slim, attractive woman in her twenties walks into Bogswell Brackets)

U.S.S. SECRETARY: Excuse me, are you Mr. Bogswell?

MR. BOGSWELL: Yes, can I help you?

U.S.S. SECRETARY: I’m Susan from U.S.S.

MR. BOGSWELL: (thinking she must have bad teeth) Nice to meet you,  Susan. Welcome aboard.

SUSAN: Well, where do you want me?

MR. BOGSWELL: (smiling big) Welcome aboard, Susan.

SUSAN: (smiling big) You’re repeating yourself. Thank you.

MR. BOGSWELL: (thinking) Good teeth. I don’t get it. I don’t see any flaws. This isn’t going to work.

SUSAN: Hello? What would you like me to do?

MR. BOGSWELL: Susan, we manufacture and sell brackets for commercial buildings. You’ll be in charge of invoicing and answering the phone. This is your office right here and mine is next door. The warehouse is down that hallway. You did say you’re from U.S.S.?

SUSAN: Yes, I did! Do you have a hearing problem or something?

MR. BOGSWELL: (after an awkward silence) It’s just that…never mind…you can get started on the tutorial for our software which is installed on your computer. Take today and tomorrow to familiarize yourself with it. You won’t be doing any actual invoicing until you understand our system.

SUSAN: Do you treat all your employees like children?

MR. BOGSWELL: I…but…we just need to make sure you understand our system before…

SUSAN: You’re repeating yourself again. (rolling her eyes as she enters her office, slamming the door)

(Later)

SUSAN: (over the intercom) Mr. Bogswell, this software is crap! You need to upgrade!

MR. BOGSWELL: Excuse me?

SUSAN: (yelling) You must have a f*****g hearing problem! I said that this software is crap! You expect me to do invoicing with this s**t?

MR. BOGSWELL: We’re happy with it, Susan. And please, can you keep your voice down? We occasionally have walk-ins.

SUSAN: Whatever!

MR. BOGSWELL: (calls U.S.S. whispering) It’s Brad Bogswell from Bogswell Brackets. Listen, I don’t like the one you sent me. First of all, she’s not fat, and second of all, she’s...well…very ill-mannered.

U.S.S. OWNER:  Oh, Susan? She’s  an A-1 b***h.

MR. BOGSWELL: She is that.

U.S.S. OWNER: I should have warned you, we also provide secretaries with ugly attitudes.

MR. BOGSWELL: Well, I don’t know if…

U.S.S. OWNER: Truth be told, the bitchy ones are even more effective than the fat ones.

MR. BOGSWELL: What about when customers call?

USS OWNER: She’ll be fine with customers. Susan has perfected her ability to control her mood swings for maximum effect, depending on who the call is coming from.

MR. BOGSWELL:  But she’s being bitchy with me.

U.S.S. OWNER: That’s interesting. Maybe she is just warming up, you know, showing you her stuff. I’ll call and check on her; make sure she’s taking her meds. 

BOGSWELL: No…no…I’d rather have a fat one.

USS OWNER: You don’t have a fat fetish, do you?

MR. BOGSWELL: No way.

USS OWNER: Alright, I’ll send you a replacement either tomorrow or Wednesday.

MR. BOGSWELL:  Thank you so much.

SUSAN: (intercom) When do people eat lunch around this dump?!!! 

MR. BOGSWELL: …